


Fragile Things

by dreiser



Category: Mai-Otome
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/F, Femslash, Romance, Unfinished, Violence, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 03:24:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 62,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7558276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreiser/pseuds/dreiser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a single moment of violence, those who matter most to Haruka Armitage and Shizuru Viola are lost. Together they try to restore the broken pieces of their lives and learn to exist without the person they love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is currently unfinished. I want to complete it one day. It's probably one of my favorites and I have it entirely plotted out. I want to do this but I'm not sure when this will happen. Still, I hope you enjoy.

The Founder was fickle when it came to choosing the five Columns of Garderobe. Sometimes Fumi-sama took weeks to choose a Column, sometimes months, and sometimes years. When Maya Blythe announced her retirement, much to the relief of Meister Akane Soir and Emperor Kazuya Krau-xeku, it took just one day for the Founder to reveal who would replace Maya as the new 5th Column. There was just one problem, in order to inform the chosen of this honor they would have to interrupt a long delayed honeymoon.

Which was something that didn't go over well at all with the former Continental Orb Topaz of Aries. At least, that's what Principal Natsuki Kruger discerned from the way her office doors flew open and Haruka Armitage stomped in with Yukino Chrysant right on her heels. Two months had passed since Yukino's final term as President ended and Haruka chose to retire rather than serve another Master. During the events involving Yuma and Haruka being subsequently petrified along with Shizuru there had been several moments of intense worry and fear on Yukino's part. Worry that Haruka couldn't be revived, that she would have to suffer a future without her, and she was miserable at the prospect.

This caused Yukino to act. Shortly after the blonde was revived Yukino proposed and they were married in a small private ceremony that still managed to be all the toast of Aries. Perhaps because the wedding reception was broadcasted for the general public as part of Haruka's weekly television program, This Week's Armitage, which was already one of the highest rated shows in the country.

Since they were married while Yukino was still in office, serving her second and final term as President, they weren't able to take a honeymoon. It was only within this past week the couple was finally able to start their planned trip across Earl on a rented luxury liner but that was interrupted by Natsuki's sudden and insistent call for Haruka to come to Garderobe. A situation that the blonde wasn't pleased with in the least, something apparent from her scowl and the way her foot tapped on the floor as she glared at them.

"Principal!" Haruka said this in nothing short of a roar. "Six years, two months, five days…" Haruka trailed off, looking to Yukino who gazed at her with a bemused expression. "What's the hours it took for us to get here?"

"Seven," said Yukino with a smile in her voice.

"Seven hours!" Haruka continued, waving her hands and pacing about the office. "That's how long we've been waiting to have our honeymoon and we're on it for just three days! Three days and you call! Everything looks finicky to me so what's the problem?"

"Fine, Haruka-chan," corrected Yukino, a genuine smile on her face as she hooked her arm through the blonde's, the gesture causing Haruka to turn to her. Once she did, Yukino touched Haruka's cheek softly and murmured, "Why don't we let the Principal answer? I'm sure she has a very good reason for calling us." Yukino looked around Haruka, peering at Natsuki and offering a friendly smile though there was a definite weariness on her features. The vacation had clearly been needed. "Don't you, Principal?"

"Maya has retired," said Natsuki and at this, Haruka grumbled, wanting to know what that had to do with them. Heaving a sigh and pinching the bridge of her nose, wondering about the wisdom of Fumi-sama for not the first time, Natsuki went on, "We instructed the Founder to provide us with her choice for the next 5th Column and after a lengthy rumination period which lasted precisely one day, she gave us your name, General."

Nothing from Haruka, no reply, no expression, nothing. It was an entirely unexpected reaction from the normally demonstrative Otome who had never been one to hold back, particularly when it came to speaking her mind. Even Yukino appeared surprised by it. 

"Ara," remarked Shizuru, a playful look on her features. "Haruka-san has been shocked into silence."

This snapped Haruka out of her daze and she focused on the brunette with a scowl. "Bubuzuke," she grumbled in a warning tone. "Don't mess with me. I don't have time for your games. This is a joke, right? I'm not an Otome anymore. I gave up my GEM."

"It appears Fumi-sama wants you to have another," Natsuki replied, saying this as if she wasn't sure why exactly that was. 

Frowning now, Haruka didn't say anything, and Yukino moved to stand in front of her, dipping her head so their eyes would meet. "Haruka-chan?" she said her name in an encouraging inquiry, looking up at her with soft green eyes. 

"It was supposed to be about us," Haruka muttered, meeting Yukino's gaze. "No more President, no more Otome, just you and me, remember? Yukino and Haruka. But if I do this… how could we be together like we planned?"

"Haruka-chan never really wanted to retire though," murmured Yukino, stroking her cheek and giving an understanding smile. "You just didn't want us to be apart again and I understand that but accepting this GEM, what the Founder apparently wants for you, doesn't mean we can't be together like we planned." Shifting her gaze over to Natsuki, she said, "I'm sure the Principal will be more than fair in how she chooses your assignments, taking in regard that you'll be the only married Otome out of the five Columns."

When Haruka joined Yukino in her stare, Natsuki reddened slightly, somehow caught off guard by this, and she coughed as she nodded vigorously. "Of course, I will!" she said enthusiastically, all too aware of Shizuru's amused expression. The couple continued to focus on her and Natsuki shifted in her seat, offering an awkward smile as she said, "Do you accept the position?" 

Haruka turned to Yukino and a silent exchange occurred between them then Haruka turned to Natsuki, wrapping an arm around Yukino's waist and pulling the brunette close to her as she formed a jaunty grin. "Try and stop me," Haruka declared.

"If we did who knows who Fumi-sama would choose next," teased Shizuru and Haruka scowled once again at the other woman.

"Shizuru," Natsuki said her name fondly but there was a plea in there, to not begin the usual bout of competitiveness that always seemed to emerge when Haruka and Shizuru were together. Rising to her feet, she crossed over to the blonde and opened a small velvet case to reveal the Swirling Dance Fluorite GEM that had once belonged to Maya. "It's all yours."

A moment passed and Haruka stared dubiously at the GEM, her mind whirling as she recalled her reading and lessons from Garderobe when it came to Fumi-sama choosing the five Columns. The Column was always chosen along with the GEM they would use, there were several hidden deep in the underground of the academy, guarded and kept safe, waiting for Fumi-sama to name which Otome was their owner. While it was true, being chosen as the 5th Column did come as a shock for Haruka, she never thought herself clever enough, smart enough, to be counted amongst their numbers but it wasn't nearly as shocking as the idea that the Founder wanted her to use the Swirling Dance Fluorite GEM. Particularly since Fumi-sama was known for assigning the right GEM to the right Otome and Haruka hardly thought that Maya's flimsy robe and her element, which consisted of a pair of maracas used to summon a giant sand monster, were right for her. They presented quite a difference from Haruka's chosen fighting style, to say the least.

"Principal," said Haruka reluctantly, dragging the word out, and rubbing the back of her head.

Before Haruka could say anything more, a snort of laughter escaped Natsuki and soon the Principal burst into full on laughter while Haruka stared at her with wide eyes. Unable to stop laughing and hunched over, as if in pain, Natsuki looked up at Haruka and could only keep laughing while a dark look formed on the blonde's features. "Sorry," Natsuki wheezed. "Just… picturing you… in the outfit… dancing with the maracas…" At this comment, Haruka scowled deeply. "Sorry, sorry," Natsuki huffed, standing up at her full height and pulling another velvet case out of her jacket pocket. "This one belongs to you." 

Opening the case, Haruka was met with a dark green GEM and looking at it, she somehow had the same feeling as when she was presented with the Continental Orb Topaz. Her fingers drifted over the surface of the GEM, which was cool to her touch, and Haruka looked at Natsuki then said, "I don't recognize it from any of our books. What's its name?"

"The Broad Breaker Garnet," Natsuki smiled. "It's one of the lost GEMs. Professor Gall found it on a recent expedition."

"It fits," murmured Haruka, removing the GEM and contemplating its name as she placed it in her ear. Just a moment then a familiar heat, as if she had a fever, formed in her earlobe, exactly like the times she put in her previous GEMs. She looked up at Natsuki and there was a challenging look in the Principal's eyes and Haruka grinned rakishly in response. Clenching her right hand into a fist, Haruka called out, "Materialize!"

The transformation was swift and in moments, Haruka felt that swell of power, but this was stronger. Much stronger than she felt with the Topaz and it made Haruka wonder about this new GEM and its true capabilities. Her robe was similar in style, but the colors were a forest green and dark blue, matching the outfit that Haruka had been wearing which consisted of a dark blue jacket, pants, and a forest green shirt. It was as if the robe matched itself to her clothing and Haruka wondered at that ability. Certainly it happened when she chose Chie Hallard to replace her as the Continental Orb Topaz since the robe that Chie wore looked nothing like Haruka's.

Flexing the fingers in her right hand, Haruka summoned her element, curious at what would emerge and violet eyes widened as she looked down at the weapon that formed in her grip, taking in the sight of a large double bladed axe. Her grin becoming that much wider as she held the axe in both hands, enjoying the weight and feel of it, she muttered, "Fumi-sama definitely knows what she's doing." Out of instinct, she turned to Yukino, wanting her opinion, her thoughts, and she was met with a sweet and loving smile. "Yukino?"

"I think it suits you, Haruka-chan," said Yukino, a proud look on her features. 

Violet eyes gleaming with excitement, Haruka rested the large axe on her shoulder, grinning at Shizuru who raised an eyebrow in response. "Bubuzuke," Haruka drew the word out in a friendly sort of dare. "How about you help me test this GEM out?"

Shizuru's rust colored eyes flashed with interest and amusement but she immediately shifted her gaze to Natsuki in a silent question. The Principal heaved a sigh and waved her hand absently at the two Otome. "Go on," Natsuki said with dry humor. "Just try to not completely destroy my campus, would you? We just got it looking close to normal again." Haruka and Shizuru both gave their replies of agreement then were immediately out the door, leaving Natsuki and Yukino to their own devices. Turning to the former President, Natsuki smiled at the other woman and wore an apologetic expression as she said, "President. I can't say how sorry I am for interrupting your honeymoon."

"I'm not the President anymore. Please, just call me Yukino," said Yukino kindly. She sat down on the couch and peered up at the Otome. "I must admit, while I wasn't happy when Haruka-chan received that summons, it more than makes up for it on discovering the reason why. Fumi-sama is right, you know. She'll make a wonderful Column."

"Akane's ecstatic," revealed Natsuki with a grin, sitting across from Yukino. "She's already planning her wedding to the Emperor."

"Well, she has been waiting for far too long, hasn't she?" Yukino murmured with a smile. Her expression became more serious, almost introspective, as she continued, "I am glad to see you, Principal. There's something I wanted to talk with you about, something I couldn't speak of while I remained the President of Aries. It has to do with the Strategic Otome Limitations Talk and your plans of reducing the number of Otome."

"Oh?" Natsuki responded, lifting an eyebrow, looking intrigued. "What's that?"

"I'm not certain it's the wisest decision," said Yukino, wearing a grave expression and folding her hands in her lap. "I think rather than reducing the number of Otome, their loyalty to their Masters ought to be shifted. Instead we should have the world leaders join together in a peace keeping organization and it would be that organization which has control over the Otome rather than individuals. Certainly world leaders should maintain their personal Otome for the need of a bodyguard but I think the issue with Artai arose from the excess of nobles with Otome. People with enough wealth and privilege who can pay to have a personal army produced at Garderobe and handed over to them. If we were to create an organization that all the countries in Earl were part of, no matter their size and wealth, and all had a stake in, and it was that organization, instead of individuals with selfish desires in charge of the Otome, things would fair much better don't you think?"

"Yes, they would," said Natsuki slowly, a look of consideration on her features. "But do you really think the nobles would surrender their Otome? They would never agree to such an organization, no matter what good it might do for Earl as a whole, not if it reduced their own personal power. The protests to this would be incredible."

"That's why it's necessary to win over each and every world leader," said Yukino wisely. "If that is accomplished the nobles can protest all they want but it will have little use in the end, not when those who control the nations of Earl are united in this agreement." There was silence as Natsuki continued to contemplate this idea. "Principal," Yukino said this in a quiet and serious murmur and Natsuki lifted her head to look at the other woman. "The SOLT talks didn't go well when I was in office and I doubt that has changed. Nobles don't want to surrender their Otome. At this rate, you'll never reduce the numbers like you want, and this plan… it has a chance of succeeding. I truly believe that and it would eliminate the need for reducing numbers while keeping a secure world peace, which is what we all want, isn't it?"

"This organization," said Natsuki in even tones, studying Yukino with lidded eyes. "What would you call it?"

"The Earl Defense Force has a nice ring to it according to Haruka-chan," said Yukino wryly. "Will you give my idea some thought?"

"More than some," Natsuki replied, nodding her head. "I plan on giving it a lot of thought. Of course," her lips quirked up in a smile. "It would help if you explained the organization further."

Returning the smile, Yukino scooted forward on the couch and began to elaborate on her concept, answering Natsuki's questions as she went along, and finding her own ideas altered and improved from the feedback she received.

\---

"I like this element," Haruka remarked, grinning widely and recklessly, watching as the double bladed axe's handle extended several feet as she swung it at Shizuru who transformed her double edged naginata into a series to chains to hold it in place. "It's got a nice feel to it."

"Haruka-san must be careful, I don't need a haircut quite yet," Shizuru teased, pulling the chains forward and sending Haruka flying towards her. With a grin, she caught the blonde up in her free arm, holding her close and smiling winsomely. "You haven't told me," she murmured, lifting an eyebrow, her eyes filled with curiosity. "How was your honeymoon before our unwelcome interruption?"

"Great, what we had of it," said Haruka with a grumble, flying away from Shizuru, reducing her element to its normal size. Haruka rested the axe on her shoulders, hanging her arms over it. She narrowed violet eyes, studying the other Otome. "Bubuzuke," she drew her chosen nickname for Shizuru out slowly, a grin forming on her lips. "What about you and the Principal? Shouldn't you have given her a ring by now? You've been together nearly as long as I have with Yukino. Or don't you want to marry the kid?"

"Natsuki is hardly a child and must I remind you that Yukino was the one who proposed, not Haruka-san?" said Shizuru smartly.

Following after Shizuru, who landed on the school grounds, Haruka got rid of her element, and dematerialized her robe, unable to help grinning at the idea she would be able to materialize whenever she pleased now, without having to wait for certification. "You know," Haruka remarked, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "I don't see why everyone thinks I should've proposed to Yukino. Why did it have to be me? After we woke up from being petrified, her asking to marry me…" Haruka trailed off, a blush tingeing her cheeks, and she continued in a mutter, "I can't explain how happy it made me. I think it's good that she asked, I love that she did."

"Haruka-san," said Shizuru quietly, a soft smile on her features. "I understand."

Studying Shizuru with a frown, Haruka said, "You want the Principal to propose, don't you?" Rocking back on her heels and observing Shizuru who kept her features purposefully neutral, Haruka continued, "I get that. You've been chasing after her from the start, haven't you? Having to prove how you weren't like you pretended at the start of things. It'd be nice if she did something in exchange."

"My Natsuki loves me," said Shizuru stiffly, giving Haruka a look of deadly warning.

"I never said she didn't, bubuzuke," said Haruka with a snort. "I'm just saying you want her to ask you, not the other way around, and there's nothing wrong with that. I think you've more than made up for how you botched things in the beginning."

Silence then Shizuru's jaw seemed to clench, only to release moments later as she said in a whisper, "Is it selfish?"

"No," said Haruka, soft and solemn. "It's not. You know," she began, shifting uncomfortably, and rubbing the back of her head. "I could always ask Yukino to talk to her. She and the Principal get along really well. They've been pals since they met, right?"

Before Shizuru could reply to this awkward offer, Nao's sardonic drawl filled the air, "There's our new Swirling Dance Fluorite." 

"Nao," Haruka growled her name more than said it, rather like it was a curse, or something unpleasant to say. Cracking her fingers as she flexed them into fists, she said, "That's not my GEM and you know it. You ought to have better respect for your fellow Columns."

"The Principal couldn't pull off the prank?" Nao pouted before forming a devilish smile on her lips. "Figures."

"Haruka-oneesama," Sara's distinctive sing song tones called out and Haruka groaned, rolling her eyes as Sara came bouncing in front of her, grinning as she tapped the older blonde on the nose. "Technically Nao is your sempai when it comes to being a Column."

"You're right," drawled Nao who looked greatly interested in this fact. "What do you think about that, General?"

"I'm not a General anymore," said Haruka with a scowl. "And you're not my sempai." Haruka had read about the roles of the Columns quite extensively while attending Garderobe and she was well aware that the 1st, 4th, and 5th Columns sat at equal status while the 2nd and 3rd were in the leadership roles. As 5th Column she was responsible for the aspects of law enforcement and defense, protecting the contracts and rules long established for the Otome, ensuring that both Otome and Master never strayed outside the law. She felt this role suited her perfectly, much better than 1st Column which was dedicated to diplomacy and 4th which had a focus on espionage. Her eyes narrowing at Nao's sly expression, Haruka thought that role fit the redhead disturbingly well. Moving her gaze to Sara who beamed at her and Haruka's scowl seemed to lighten though she grumbled as she tugged Sara's hat over her eyes. "You either."

"Ara," Shizuru exclaimed, wearing a playful expression. "What about me, Haruka-san? Am I your sempai? I did rank higher than you in school."

"Bubuzuke," Haruka did growl now and Shizuru released a delighted squeal, materializing her robe and flying off. Haruka was hot on her heels, leaving Nao and Sara alone on the ground, staring after them.

"Our newest Column," Nao snickered, arching an eyebrow and turning to Sara who was watching Haruka's disappearing figure with a wistful look on his features. Releasing a chuckle at this, Nao shook her head and remarked, "Hopeless."

\---

The news of the Earl Defense Force soon spread quickly and as predicted, the nobles in every country were in an uproar at the idea of surrendering their Otome to others control. More and more, Yukino and Natsuki were gone on trips, explaining to all of Earl the purpose of the EDF and how it would secure the safety for everyone in the world, instead of just the few nations who possessed Otome. After weeks of travel, it was decided that a conference was needed, where all the world leaders could meet and they could hash out the problems each had with the formation of the EDF and the restructuring of the Otome contract system. 

Settling into her new position as 5th Column was made easier for Haruka thanks to Yukino's constant presence as she planned and worked with Natsuki on the details of the EDF. It soon became common place for Haruka and Shizuru to sit in on their meetings, giving them greater knowledge of how the organization was taking form. They were in one such meeting when Natsuki ended a phone call with an aide of King Nguyen Bao of An Nam. Heaving a sigh and wearing a disappointed expression, Natsuki said, "The King's illness hasn't improved. He's not fit for travel, they'll apparently be sending his nephew, Regent Kai Quan." There was a pause and Natsuki leaned back in her chair, a frown forming. "I don't like it though. The King is one of the few who seems willing to give this idea a chance. I'm sure we'd have much better luck if he got to hear the details personally rather than through his nephew who might be against the EDF as so many nobles already are." 

"Perhaps we should send an envoy?" suggested Yukino from where she sat with Haruka on the couch. 

"That's a good idea," said Natsuki thoughtfully. Her eyes drifted over to Shizuru and Haruka, considering both Otome before she continued, "Haruka, why don't you visit King Nguyen Bao? Speak to him about everything we'll be covering in the conference. Shizuru," she turned to the brunette. "I want you to stay here, take care of the school while we're gone."

"If that's what my Natsuki wants," said Shizuru easily, picking up her empty teacup and setting it in the sink on the far side of the room. 

"Why me?" questioned Haruka, her tones genuinely perplexed and not argumentative in the least. "Bubuzuke's close with Anh-oneesama and the King's her father. Wouldn't it make more sense for her to go? Not that I think I'd do much better being in charge of the school."

"Other than Yukino, you know the most about the ideas behind the EDF," said Natsuki simply, shrugging on her jacket. "She's the one who thought of the concept behind the organization itself and if I'm not mistaken, she's discussed every detail of it with you. Since she'll be at the conference with me, meeting with the other world leaders, you're the best choice to go see King Nguyen Bao." 

A frown on her face, Haruka rose to her feet and looked to Yukino who smiled sweetly. "You'll do fine, Haruka-chan," she murmured in reassuring tones and she held out her hands for the blonde. Haruka carefully pulled Yukino up so they were standing just a breath apart. Cupping Haruka's face, Yukino kissed her lightly, still smiling as she said, "Just tell the King everything we spoke about. All the reasons why the creation of the Earl Defense Force would benefit not only An Nam but the entire world." 

"I'll do it," said Haruka strongly, kissing Yukino again, and she focused her gaze onto Natsuki whom she was quite aware was her leader in this situation, not Yukino. "I'll contact you soon as I arrive in An Nam, Principal." 

"Thanks, Haruka," said Natsuki with a smile. 

Giving Yukino one last kiss and telling the brunette she loved her before she headed out the door, Haruka shot a look over her shoulder at Shizuru and grinned. "Take good care of the school while I'm gone, bubuzuke," Haruka drawled.

"I'll do my best, Haruka-san," said Shizuru dryly, lifting an eyebrow. 

Haruka's laughter echoed in the office as she walked out and Natsuki shook her head, walking over to Shizuru. "I don't know how long this conference is going to go on," Natsuki confessed with a wry expression. "It should only last the day but we might have to extend our plans depending on how things turn out."

"However long it takes, I'll be waiting here for Natsuki," said Shizuru, an affectionate look on her features as she reached out to push a stray lock of hair behind Natsuki's ear. Tugging her closer, she kissed Natsuki's cheek and whispered in her ear, "Natsuki should concentrate on the task at hand. I'll make sure things remain exactly as she left them at Garderobe, if not improved."

"Improved?" questioned Natsuki sardonically. 

Pulling away, Shizuru smiled playfully, curling Natsuki's hair around her finger. "I do have skills," she informed.

"That you do," Natsuki chuckled and she looked over to Yukino, seeing the former President packing her briefcase. Thinking back to Haruka's goodbye and the easy show of affection, she found herself feeling envious. Despite her love for Shizuru she had never been the demonstrative type and she was aware that the other Otome would have appreciated things like that. Which is why she found herself turning back to Shizuru. Natsuki stepped closer and ducked her head, so their lips were almost touching, the tips of her ears reddening as she said, "I love you, Shizuru."

Then Natsuki captured Shizuru's lips in a kiss, slow and tender, and Shizuru melted into her embrace, allowing the smaller Otome to pull her closer and take control. Usually she was the instigator in these situations, she was the one who craved physical affection and the fact that it was Natsuki who had done this, who kissed her, who spoke her love first, was enough to have quite an affect on Shizuru. 

"Okay," said Natsuki, her ears bright red along with a good amount of her face. "I have to go now."

"Natsuki is so aggressive," Shizuru murmured, an almost dreamy tone to her voice, though there was a playful quality as well. "I enjoy it."

"Shizuru," said Natsuki in warning tones and Shizuru pouted, causing Natsuki to roll her eyes. Shaking her head and giving Shizuru another quick kiss, she said, "I'll see you tonight."

"Have a good day at work," said Shizuru impishly. 

The Principal groaned at this and walked out of the office with Yukino, leaving Shizuru alone and she surveyed her surroundings before sitting at the desk. This wasn't the first time Shizuru had been left in charge of the school but the feeling was always the same. She had a strange feeling of discontent sitting behind this desk, in this office, giving the orders. It wasn't her place, it was Natsuki's, and she felt ill suited to the task. It wasn't that she didn't think herself capable, it was part of her job as the 3rd Column to take over the duties of the 2nd Column when they were incapable or indisposed, after all. Shizuru just didn't think the role particularly suited her, especially when she could see how naturally these things came to Natsuki. Releasing a sigh, Shizuru sat in Natsuki's chair and stared out at the grounds. 

As always, she couldn't wait for Natsuki's return. 

\---

Although Haruka had sat in on numerous meetings that Yukino conducted as the President of Aries with the leaders of other nations, she didn't consider herself at all skilled in diplomacy. She was well aware of her own limitations and Haruka was definitely someone who was more comfortable with actions rather than words. Which was why Fumi-sama had chosen her as the 5th Column rather than the 1st who had the focus on foreign affairs. Unfortunately, Sara had already departed for a meeting with the Archduke of Taiyun, and that meant duties usually left to her were completely open. By the time she landed in An Nam, Haruka was terribly nervous about her competency in this role, doubting how she would be able to pull it off as she followed Anh Lu through the elaborate corridors of the Royal Palace. 

The fact that she was in An Nam with her former sempai made things easier though. It also helped that Anh's father, King Nguyen Bao, was a stalwart ally of both Aries and Garderobe, and was always more than wiling to take part in discussions for their plans involving the other nations of Earl. Haruka wouldn't be facing someone who would greet her with wariness or open hostility like she would have to face in countries such as the United Kingdom of Lutesia or Artai. 

"Your jacket is very handsome," Anh remarked in a teasing manner that reminded Haruka so much of Shizuru. Though she had known Shizuru from her first day at Garderobe and roomed with her for almost their entire time at the academy, she often wondered how much of the other Otome's personality came from Anh being her oneesama. Certainly she didn't think Shizuru's flirting was entirely Anh's fault but Haruka was certain it was honed to an expert level under Anh's tutelage. Haruka reddened as Anh ran her index finger down the back of Haruka's jacket and across the gold number five that was embroidered onto it. "Was it a gift from the President?"

"I've had it for awhile, just never got to wear it much as the Topaz," said Haruka, the blush clinging to her cheeks. "Yukino got the Column symbol added on the back for me though. I told the Principal there's no way I was going to wear another dress."

Forming a pout as she led Haruka through the palace, Anh looked over her shoulder and remarked, "I rather liked you in that dress."

"I looked ridiculous," Haruka snorted derisively and she shuddered as she thought of the clothing she had to wear for the past sixteen years as the Otome of Aries. "It was too puffy. Hallard was smart, changing it when I got her to take over as the Topaz."

"Why didn't you do the same?" asked Anh curiously.

"Don't know," admitted Haruka, a thoughtful frown on her features. "Respect for Meister Blomquist? Not really sure."

"She is your idol, isn't she," said Anh with an almost indulgent smile. When Haruka scowled at her, she clucked her tongue and tapped the blonde on the chin. "Don't make that face! It doesn't suit you, at least if you're not making it while Shizuru is hanging onto you. It was always such fun, watching the two of you together at Garderobe. Rather like seeing an endless comedy routine take place."

"I'm glad we entertained you, Anh-oneesama," Haruka grumbled, looking thoroughly disgruntled. 

Anh chuckled at this, appearing immensely pleased before she nodded at the guard who opened the large doors to the King's study which Haruka knew from previous visits with Yukino was where he received guests and political envoys. Calming her nerves and taking a fortifying breath, Haruka straightened her shoulders and thought about Yukino. What she would say to King Nguyen Bao if she was here and with that foremost in her mind, she walked into the room. Preparing to explain the benefits of the Earl Defense Force and why it was necessary that he support its formation for the future of not just An Nam but the entire world. 

\---

Natsuki thought that nothing could surpass the Strategic Otome Limitation Talks when it came to sheer aggravation it caused in terms of the world leaders speaking over one another and the general chaos it created across all of Earl. She was greatly mistaken though as just the idea of the EDF caused an uproar among the nobles of countless nations. The nobles relayed their feelings to the leaders of their countries who came with an air of reluctance and not completely open minds. Adding to the annoyance was the loud protest that was being led by those same nobles. They were gathered outside the hall in Windbloom Palace which Queen Mashiro had leant them for this meeting. 

They weren't a threat to anyone's safety as far as Natsuki could tell, there were Otome surrounding the palace and the Windbloom Royal Guard were out in full force, but it made the situation uncomfortable to say the least. She knew there would be people opposed to the formation of the Earl Defense Force and the removal of Otome from the power of nobles. Eradicating their right to essentially buy an Otome by providing them with the funds to attend the academy but she hadn't expected the opposition to reach this level of crazed fervor.

Nothing was resolved during the initial meeting that lasted well over ten hours and, with the agreement of each country's leader, they decided to extend the talks by two more days and stepping out of the hall, greeted by the darkening night sky and the sound of protestors, Natsuki winced. She turned to Yukino who murmured, "We knew this idea wouldn't be popular with everyone but I think perhaps we underestimated how much."

"I've received worse threats than the nobles are currently giving us when I was in Garderobe," Natsuki responded with an easy humor. When Yukino frowned, Natsuki questioned, "What is it? You don't agree?"

"I don't think it's wise to assume they're harmless, Principal," said Yukino in solemn tones. They walked through the hall to the private car provided by Garderobe and Yukino continued, "In Aries, we've experienced first hand how dangerous the nobles can be. Especially those who are convinced what they're entitled to by birthright has been stolen from them. Two hundred and thirty six years has passed since Aries escaped from Artai's control and we still have nobles who are part of terrorist groups like Fidelus Altus who seek to regain control of the country. Taking away the nobles Otome is removing a great source of their power and most people in power would do anything to prevent that from happening, no matter the benefits to everyone else in the world." Her frown deepening, Yukino said, "We should take the threats seriously."

"All right," said Natsuki, looking pensive. "I'll get Nao to investigate. It's part of her duties as 4th Column and she's got a talent for that sort of thing anyway and I can always call in a favor from Midori as well. Garderobe and the Aswad have created a joint exchange of technology thanks to Professor Gall and I'm sure as their leader she would be willing to lend us some aid in looking into these threats from the nobles." Walking up to the private car, she smiled at the figure of former Pearl student, Greta Schulte, who stood in front of them and opened the door to the back seat. "Greta," Natsuki greeted her with a smile. "How have you been doing with all this noise?"

"Fine, Principal," said Greta politely though there was an obvious discomfort in her expression. 

Studying Greta with a skeptical look on her features, Natsuki decided to let it go, recalling the girl's history and how she was sponsored by a noble back in her homeland of Artai. When she failed to graduate from Garderobe her sponsor didn't take the news well and she had nowhere to go. Feeling sympathy for her plight, Natsuki gave her a job working as part of the academy staff. Certainly seeing the legions of protesting nobles outside the hall at Windbloom Palace had to remind her of a past she would rather forget. Following Yukino into the car, she sat in the back seat next to the other woman, keeping her gaze on Greta as she moved into the front seat and started the car.

"This is all out of fear," Yukino said quietly, her gaze drifting over the crowd of protesting nobles. "Fear of losing their status and power, of having their place in the hierarchy reduced somehow. They can't see beyond that to the advantages it will provide Earl as a whole."

"Nobody who has power likes giving it up," said Natsuki in a droll remark. 

While there was a humorous tone to her voice, mostly because she wanted to lift Yukino's spirits, reduce the worry that she knew the former President was feeling, Natsuki had a strange sensation of dread. There was a knot in the pit of her stomach and it seemed to get worse with every moment that passed, the further their car drove from Windbloom Palace, and looking at Greta Schulte's features, which were unnaturally pale and constricted, the hairs on Natsuki's neck stood on end. 

Something isn't right, that was Natsuki's final thought. Then the click of a button and the flames engulfed them all.

\---

Although Shizuru had a natural talent for charm and negotiations, she didn't particularly enjoy it. She didn't like spending her time convincing others about how her position, her thoughts, were right. That was a large portion of Natsuki's duty as Principal of Garderobe though. Garderobe was seen as a nation onto itself and Natsuki was its leader. As such, much of her time was devoted to dealing with the leaders of the countries of Earl along with the sponsors of the various Garderobe students.

Whenever Natsuki was gone on the more complex negotiations and she left Shizuru in charge of the school, the brunette found herself somewhat in awe of Natsuki's ability to do this job. The 2nd Column seemed like tedious work to many, the paperwork, the meetings, the fact you spent most of your day in an office rather than off on missions using your considerable powers as an Otome. It was the least glamorous job out of all the Columns but it was the most important. Natsuki was their leader, the one who held the academy together, who kept the future of the Otome foremost in her mind and that was what she was doing now, with the creation of the Earl Defense Force. With it she would ensure that Otome no longer fell victim to carrying out horrible deeds from selfish Masters, that they would become true defenders of the peace and while it was controversial to say the least, Shizuru couldn't have been more proud. 

She was sifting through the piles of paperwork, trying to determine which were in most urgent need of completion, when she heard the distant sound of an explosion. Frowning as she rose to her feet, Shizuru looked at the skyline, towards Windbloom where the sound originated. An odd feeling seized her, one of foreboding and sickness, and Shizuru felt dizzy, as if she might pass out. Then the door flung open and Youko was in front of her. How much time had passed, Shizuru didn't know, she just knew something was horribly wrong.

"Meister Shizuru," said Youko and she was white as a sheet, her eyes wide and panicked. "It's the Principal. She---" Youko released a choking noise and she couldn't continue on as Shizuru stared at her, expression scarily bereft of emotion. Then suddenly she moved forward, faster than the eye could see, gripping the collar of Youko's jacket in her hands.

"Natsuki," Shizuru said her name in a barely discernable whisper and she felt it as something in her snapped. She always knew who she was and what she was capable of doing. How her charm and her smiles were nothing more than an act. How she had a capacity for darkness that others simply couldn't understand, an ability to be ruthless beyond comprehension, but she held all those impulses back. Reigned them in thanks to the acceptance and love she received from Natsuki and in this instant, Shizuru could feel that mask slipping, that restraint falling away and that hidden self, that dark self, rising to the surface like a terrifying beast. Something was wrong with Natsuki, something happened to her, something terrible. She knew that by the way that Youko was acting, was looking at her, right now. There was no other explanation. Still grasping the doctor's jacket in her hands, just a space in between them, shaking Youko in her grip as if she was nothing more than a rag doll, Shizuru demanded, "What's happened? What's happened to Natsuki?!" 

"That sound," said Youko brokenly, her voice just a rasp. "The explosion in Windbloom… it was the Principal. She was coming back from the meeting, in her car, they don't know how it happened…" 

"What happened?" asked Shizuru, hysteria in her voice and on her features, the hold on her sanity slipping further and further away. When Youko didn’t reply, Shizuru shook her again, screaming as she said, "What happened?!" 

"She's dead," Youko finally said, looking at Shizuru with endless sympathy. "Her and the President. They think it was a bomb hidden in the car, activated before the Principal could react." Silence. No movement. No reaction. There was nothing except Shizuru's fingers numbly slipping from Youko's jacket and her staring out the window at the billowing smoke in the distance. "Meister Shizuru," Youko began softly, reaching out to the Otome who released a sound of pure anguish and absolute rage, then she materialized her robe, smashing through the glass of the windows and leaving the doctor alone and fearing what would happen next.

\---

They had taken frequent breaks throughout the day because of the King's poor health and had just finished eating dinner, settling back into the study where Haruka was finishing off the final merits of the Earl Defense Force. She thought nothing of Anh leaving the study as she had done it several times already. Haruka was focused solely on King Nguyen Bao and ensuring he understood exactly what Yukino and Natsuki hoped to accomplish with creating the EDF and the new system for Otome. Yes, Haruka was completely focused on her duty and the task at hand. That's until Anh returned looking more grim than Haruka had ever seen her.

"Haruka," Anh said her name in a way the blonde could have never imagined it. With such a sound of sadness and a deep sense of apology and regret. The look she wore, it clearly revealed she would rather be doing anything but this. "There's been an attack."

"What?" said Haruka, her eyes going wide and rising to her feet. "Where? In Aries?"

"No, Windbloom," said Anh, shaking her head and she paused, seeming to steel herself for a moment. "Haruka, it's the President. She and the Principal… their car was attacked after leaving the meeting. There was a bomb." At this Haruka stumbled backwards, her skin turning a sickly ashen grey, her eyes lost and disbelieving as Anh finished, "They were both killed in the explosion." 

Haruka looked as if she might fall, collapse into herself, even shatter into a million pieces but instead she stood there, wobbling unsteadily from foot to foot and she didn't say anything. She just looked straight ahead, into nothingness, and finally she said, "Who was it?" When Anh didn't reply, Haruka clenched her jaw, her hands bunched into fists. "Who's responsible?"

"I don't know, the Captain didn't tell me," said Anh quietly, referring to Sakomizu Cardinal, Captain of Windbloom Royal Guard.

"I don't believe it," said Haruka insistently, shaking her head, and looking at Anh with wild eyes. "I don't believe the Principal wouldn't fight back. That she'd let something like that happen to her and Yukino. It's not true, it can't be."

"Haruka," Anh said her name again, this time pleading, and seeing the stubbornness in the blonde's eyes, the refusal to believe this awful thing happened, she turned to one of the rare televisions they kept in the palace. An Nam was a country that was very much steeped in the old ways and preferred a simpler existence, one lacking technology that was seen as common place in other nations. The television was one of those things. Though they did have a few in the palace mostly for diplomatic and international reasons, to get a sense of what was going on in the rest of the world. Walking over to the set, Anh turned it onto a station she knew was dedicated to world news. Instantly a reporter came on screen, speaking about the accomplishments of former President Yukino Chrysant while they panned to the image of a burned out vehicle, surrounded by members of the Windbloom Royal Guard. "They're already reporting it across Earl," said Anh and she stepped closer to the Column who was frozen, staring at the image on the screen, a look of horror and incomprehensible grief forming on her features. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry," Haruka croaked and she ripped her gaze away from the television onto Anh. She gave an insane sort of laugh, one that was hollow and filled with a type of misery that someone couldn't possibly understand unless they were the one experiencing it. "You're sorry," Haruka repeated and she went back to staring at the television, at the burned car, at what remained of the woman she loved. Her hands were bunched into fists again and her nails were digging into the palms of her hands, cutting into the skin, and she could feel the blood against her fingertips, she could feel it but she didn't care. It didn't matter that it hurt, nothing mattered anymore. Yukino was gone. She watched the Royal Guard move about the scene, scattering like roaches, and then suddenly the figure of Shizuru appeared. Haruka didn't want to believe it was real, even though she saw that car, she knew it was Natsuki's car, the same car Yukino had gotten into this morning but she didn't want to believe all the same. It was too hard but then Shizuru appeared and she had a look of rage and madness, like she would destroy anyone who got in her way, and suddenly Haruka knew it was real. This nightmare wasn't something that existed in her sleep but instead in the waking world and she wasn't alone in her suffering. Shizuru was there too. "I have to go," she muttered.

Unclenching her fists and materializing her robe, Haruka found herself flying out of the palace. She had to get out of here, she had to return to Windbloom, to what was left of Yukino, she had to go, she had to be with her, just like she should have been. Haruka had never been apart from Yukino for twelve years and the moment she did, the moment she stopped protecting her, stopped doing her duty… this happened. It was all her fault. If she had been there, if she had protected Yukino like she promised, like she was meant to do, then she would be safe right now. Haruka hated herself for it. She hated herself and she had to go, she had to see for herself because she couldn't believe it, no matter what the television said, what she saw, what Anh told her, she couldn't believe it until she saw for herself.

They were supposed to have a life together, they planned it since they were children. It wasn't supposed to end this way and Haruka knew herself, she knew she couldn't believe it, wouldn't believe it, until she was there, looking at the proof, no matter how horrible it would be, as much as it would hurt her. She had to do this and the thoughts, the misery, the hopelessness of a world without Yukino consumed her on the flight from An Nam to Windbloom until it was all that she knew. Nothing else existed in her mind, she was entirely focused on the monstrosity of this event.

Knowing full well if it was true that her life would never be the same. That the life she would have wouldn't even fit that description, it would be existing and nothing more, no happiness, no dreams for the future, they would all die with Yukino and she would be left alone to mourn.

\---

Two hours passed by the time that Haruka arrived in Windbloom. The streets were blocked and there was a bleak feeling in the air, one that gave her very little hope when it came to Yukino's survival. Landing amidst the Windbloom Royal Guard who looked at her with varying degrees of panic and sympathy, Haruka grimaced and focused on their Captain, Sakomizu Cardinal, standing before the pile of burnt wreckage. Haruka moved forward, pushing through the Royal Guard, and she vaguely heard Cardinal greet her but she didn't reply, she couldn't reply, all she could do was focus on what remained of that car, her eyes searching through the ruins.

"General," Cardinal said again, his voice somber. "I'm so sorry."

She wasn't a General anymore. If she was a General and Yukino was her President, her Master, this wouldn't have happened. She would've been with Yukino. Protecting her, keeping her safe, instead of flying off to another country for some diplomatic mission she wasn't at all suited. Haruka clenched and unclenched her fists, staring at the debris, trying to see something of Yukino in there. Something to give her hope, something that could keep her from believing what she knew in her heart was true. 

Walking forward, her eyes fixed on the destruction, Haruka dimly noticed the guards scattering out of her way. There was a glint in the sunlight, something small, but it caught her attention and she knelt down, tears forming as she picked the object up but she blinked them away. She couldn't cry, not in public, not right now. No matter how horrible this was, no matter how much pain she was in, she had to know, she had to know who did this. Staring at the item in her hand, Haruka took in the sight of it. How it was broken and melted from the heat of the explosion but utterly recognizable all the same. 

Yukino's glasses.

Holding them in her hand, swallowing the grief, the sheer misery, the complete rage, Haruka stood up and faced Cardinal, her expression severe and unwavering. "I want to see Yukino," Haruka said roughly. 

"What?" asked Cardinal, thoroughly shocked to hear this.

"I want to see Yukino," Haruka repeated, stone faced and a flinty look in her eyes. "I need to see her to be sure."

"General," Cardinal said this in lost tones, not sure how to respond. "The explosion caused so much damage… you don't want to see. It won't help you, it won't prove anything, it will just cause you more pain."

Why did he keep calling her a General? She wasn't a General. She left the Aries army, she wasn't a soldier anymore, she wasn't Yukino's protector, she was a failure, a worthless shell of a person. Haruka wanted him to stop calling her that. "How do you know it's her then?" she said harshly, watching as he squirmed under her unwavering gaze. "She could have escaped with the Principal. They could be in hiding."

"There are scientific tests," said Cardinal and he had that sympathetic look again that made Haruka want to punch him. "We know it's them, General. I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you something different. No one wants this to be true."

Sorry, sorry, everyone was sorry. Anh, the Royal Guards, Cardinal, they were all sorry but Haruka didn't want to hear it. She wanted Yukino back, she wanted her to be alive, she wanted to save her. Looking away from Cardinal, fixated on the burnt out wreckage, Haruka said, "Who is responsible for this attack?"

"We believe it was Fidelus Altus," said Cardinal quietly. "There is evidence that the car's driver, Greta Schulte, was one of their agents. Our theory is that she was compelled to attach a bomb to the car and she activated it herself." 

"Fidelus Altus," Haruka repeated and she could feel the glasses crack in her grip and she looked down at them, forcing her fingers open and staring at Yukino's glasses resting in the palm of her hand. She couldn't destroy these, not when it was the last thing she had of Yukino. They had to be kept safe, like she should have done for Yukino. She knew why they did this. It was because of the Earl Defense Force. No doubt in their simplistic and merciless way of thinking the easiest way to rid themselves of this threat to their status and power as nobles would be to kill the leaders of the EDF, those who wished to create it, namely Yukino and Natsuki. For years she dealt with them in Aries, these nobles who attacked her homeland over and over again, trying to return it to monarchy rule, these men who felt they still owned a country that had broken away from their rule more than two hundred years ago. When Yukino first told her about the idea for the EDF she knew the nobles wouldn't take it well, that there would be trouble, protests, and even threats of violence but she had never suspected something like this. Why hadn't she suspected? Why didn't she know? It all seemed so painfully obvious that something like this would happen. Haruka stared at the glasses in her hand, wondering if Yukino had known, had imagined what was coming. She hoped not. "Where are they?" 

"We're working on locating them, General," said Cardinal and Haruka lifted her gaze. 

"Working," echoed Haruka bitterly, a deprecating smile on her lips that was etched with pain. They could work around the clock and they wouldn't get anywhere with locating all of Fidelus Altus. Some of them could be found, maybe even the ones who did this, but all of them? Haruka knew that would be nearly impossible. She worked sixteen years as the Topaz doing just that and she didn't come anywhere close. Looking back down at the glasses, Haruka vowed, "I'll get the ones who did this."

Silence and Haruka knew that the Captain didn't know how to reply and she was strangely glad for that. She didn't want to hear the sympathy in his voice, for him to offer assistance. This was something she had to do alone. Although, there was another. Someone who deserved to find these killers as much as she did, someone who she knew wouldn't rest until they saw them punished.

"Where's Shizuru?" Haruka questioned bluntly. "I know she was here. I saw her on the news."

"Meister Viola," said Cardinal, paling significantly and swallowing hard. "She left as soon as we told her, General."

"Where did she go?" asked Haruka in low tones. 

"I don't know," Cardinal said, shaking his head, and for the first time in all the years that Haruka knew him, she saw real fear in his eyes. "No one could have kept her here. Not when she had that look."

"What look?" Haruka frowned and she wondered what happened to her friend, how she was dealing with this, if she was dealing with this at all. Shizuru was often a mystery to Haruka, she kept her true feelings so veiled, her emotions hidden beneath a mask, but she knew for certain that as horrible as she was feeling, as miserable, as enraged, and wanting revenge, Shizuru felt it just as much. 

"She had death in her eyes," said Cardinal in a whisper. "General," he continued, stepping closer to her, a look of great worry on his craggy features. "She's going after every last one of them. I can promise you that."

A chill going down her spine, believing with every fiber of her being this was the truth, Haruka made no reply because part of her wanted it to happen. She wanted Shizuru to succeed in her mission, to exact a gruesome and brutal revenge, and that same part of her wanted to be there when it took place.

\---

One by one, Shizuru tracked down leads, she followed the crumbs of information, hunting through night until it turned into day, taking no food, no sleep, there was nothing but the chase. She would find them, she had to find them, Fidelus Altus, the people who murdered her Natsuki. No matter how long it took, how much she lost, how many hours and days and months she had to devote to the search, she would find them because that was all she had now. Her life had died as surely as Natsuki did and the only thing left was the hunt to find her killers, those who took Natsuki from her and once she found them, once she had them in her grasp, and in her sights…

She would kill them all.


	2. Chapter 2

Haruka and Yukino spent most of their lives in the public eye because of their positions. It wasn't really possible for them to have much privacy but what little they did have they guarded fiercely. Their wedding was an example of this, a small and private affair with only close friends and family invited, and the guest list ending at fifty. While the reception was an enormous televised event that had thousands packed into the largest banquet hall in Aries. They didn't necessarily want such a large reception but it was something they had to do in order to prevent insulting foreign leaders and dignitaries as well as the politicians and important figures from Aries by not sending them invitations. Even the decision to televise the event was done to pacify the citizens who had shown an enormous interest in the wedding of their President and her Otome. 

Because of this, Haruka wasn't surprised that Yukino's funeral and wake turned out exactly the same. The funeral was like their wedding, a small and private affair, for only friends and family, and the wake was a massive gathering in the city park for Caeles. Where there was already talk of creating a memorial statue of Yukino in the center square. Thousands came to mourn the death of a President whose immense popularity hadn't been matched in several decades. Haruka sat on that stage, looking at their tear filled eyes and their grief stricken faces, and she knew she was responsible. It was her job, her duty, her desire, to protect Yukino, to be keep her safe, to be with her always. And she had failed in every way possible. Yukino was dead because of her failure and she was sure they blamed her. She blamed herself, so why wouldn't they?

Giving speeches wasn't something Haruka was good at on her best day but giving one just a week after Yukino's death? She found it a near impossible task but she had to do it, she had to speak about Yukino, not because people expected it but because she wanted to. Haruka was the one who knew Yukino best. Yukino was more than just a politician to her, more than just a President, more than just an admired figure, she was the woman that Haruka loved, her best friend, the person who had been by her side since she was seven years old, and now she was gone. 

They all looked at her differently now. Differently but the same. The same look of sympathy, the same look of worry, and she hated it. No one had ever looked at her that way before but they did now and she didn't deserve that look. It was false, she knew it was, it had to be. Where was the resentment? Where was the hatred? Where were all the feelings that Haruka had for herself? They were buried deep down in those peoples hearts who looked at her that way and she despised that they were hiding it from her. She wanted to see it, she needed to see it, to know someone else acknowledged her betrayal, her failure, but no one would. 

Instead, they looked at her with that expression of sympathy and worry, filling her with loathing. 

President Tarquin finished speaking and Haruka knew that was her signal, that she was to take his place at the podium. She would have to look at all those people she had failed and she clenched her fists, crumpling the speech in her hands. There was a buzzing in her ears and she felt dizzy and almost displaced but somehow she rose to her feet and walked across the stage. A sea of people looked up at her but it was quiet enough that you could have heard a pin drop and her chest felt constricted, like she was wrapped up in a binding that was being pulled tighter and tighter until she could barely breathe. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking as she pressed the crumpled speech onto the podium and smoothed it out. Seconds, minutes, hours, she didn't know how much time passed as she stared down at it. Then she lifted her head and looked out at everyone she failed and wondered how she could do this, how she could possibly explain what Yukino meant to her. 

"Yukino," Haruka said her name in rough tones, barely scraping past her throat. She dropped her gaze, staring down at the speech, overwhelmed at everything that was there, everything that she felt but didn't know if she could say. Even though it was all laid out, all nice and neat and easily understood, she couldn't grasp how she could force herself to say it all. Just saying Yukino's name was too difficult, too painful, but to say all of this? To explain how she felt for Yukino, how she didn't want to exist without her? No, no, she couldn't do it. Shaking her head and crumpling the speech in her hands once again, ripping the paper under her nails, Haruka continued, "Yukino wanted the best for Aries and Earl. For people to have the best lives they could, for things to be right, for them to be fair." 

People were crying. They had been crying before, during President Tarquin's speech, but they were crying more now. Or were they just crying louder? Either way they were crying and Haruka couldn't ignore it and she felt her own tears start to emerge but she blinked them back and swallowed hard and lifted her head, forcing herself to look out at the people of Aries. They were her people, they believed in her all these years, they put their faith in her to protect their President but in the end she let them down, she hadn't done her duty and she had to face that and them. 

"Yukino got killed for doing that," Haruka said, her expression steely but there was misery in her eyes, plain for them all to see. "She got killed trying to protect everyone in Earl and I wasn't there." Her jaw set painfully and she grit her teeth, staring down at her ripped speech, there were only shreds of paper left in her hands, and that buzzing returned in her ears and it was all that she could hear. "I was supposed to protect her," Haruka rasped and she lost all awareness of the crowd of thousands, of the television cameras, of the fact that millions were watching her. All she knew was her own grief and guilt and it all came spilling out in an uncontrolled wave and there was nothing she could do to stop it. "I failed her," Haruka confessed in an utterance that held the barest trace of a sob and she heard the protests from the people and looked up and saw that expression she so hated. The one of sympathy and worry and she shook her head wildly, the tears spilling from her eyes, denying that look from her people, Yukino's people, didn't they understand that she failed her? Didn't they see it was all her fault? Her robe materialized without her calling for it and Haruka stepped back from the podium, her voice a whisper that somehow managed to reach them, "I failed you all."

That expression, they wore it as they watched her fly into the air, escaping the wake, trapped by her guilt and misery, leaving behind all those who loved her and never once held blame for her in their hearts.

\---

For as long as Shizuru could remember people treated her like she was perfect. They believed this like it was some kind of irrefutable truth, even Natsuki believed this in the beginning, but it was nothing more than a belief. It wasn't fact, it wasn't reality, it was how they perceived her to be from the way she presented herself to the world, the mask she wore, the deception she put on, the act she performed. If she was as perfect as they all thought then she would have found them by now. Fidelus Altus, the terrorists who murdered her Natsuki, she looked for them constantly since Natsuki's death, barely sleeping, hardly eating, just doing enough to survive into the next day but it was useless.

Her tricks weren't working, all those clever methods, the things that Natsuki loved about her, the ones that made her trust Shizuru with so many missions without a second thought, they failed her time and time again in her search. She made sure she didn't look like herself, her hair, her clothes, were all different. They never suspected who they were speaking to until she materialized her robe and then she saw the fear in their eyes, the certainty they would die if they didn't give her the information she needed but it wasn't ever enough, what she learned. It never brought her any closer to those who murdered Natsuki and as hours turned into days and she still had no idea where they were she could feel herself slipping. 

Fidelus Altus was gone, eluding her grasp, and was driving Shizuru to near madness.

Near, that was a lie, she was mad, she had lost what little remained of her mind, her humanity, her soul perhaps, when Natsuki was taken from her. People didn't understand it, they tried to talk to her, to reason. Nao of all people had attempted such a thing which told Shizuru the level of desperation there must have been. They felt sorry for her, Shizuru knew that, still they had some ridiculous hope she would return to who she was when Natsuki was alive, not realizing that person died with the Principal because it had been Natsuki and her love who sustained her existence. 

Really, they were foolish, leaving her with a GEM. 

Taking it away was the only method of revoking her powers as an Otome unless Fumi herself did it and so far that wasn't happening which made Shizuru think it never would. Nao didn't ask for her GEM though and neither had Sara. They just looked at her with those sad eyes and tried to comfort, tried to look for the person who she wasn't anymore, and Shizuru pitied them for it. Hoping for things that just weren't possible. The tears though, the ones Nao had shed, they were real as was the regret in her voice and the grief on her features but it didn't matter. Nao couldn't understand, no one could understand what she felt with the exception of Haruka. 

Haruka loved Yukino as she loved Natsuki but Haruka didn't have a mask like she did. She was honest, guilelessly so, it was second nature for her to display emotions without artifice. Shizuru was different, she buried them away, she pretended they weren't there or they were something else entirely. Never allowing people to know what she honestly felt. Only Natsuki had gotten past that mask, beyond those walls, Natsuki was the one person that knew who she truly was and now she was dead.

And with her death it was as if Shizuru's only connection to humanity was severed. Certainly it felt that way. For so long Natsuki had been the reason behind all her actions, all her emotions, they all came back to Natsuki. She knew it wasn't healthy but she didn't care, it didn't matter to her because she had her Natsuki, didn’t she? That was all that counted but now? Her Natsuki had been murdered by small minded, selfish, men who couldn't see past their own greed to what she was trying to do for the world. 

Shizuru swore she would kill them. It was what she lived for now, killing the ones who took Natsuki from her, and Shizuru wouldn't rest until she succeeded but her efforts had come to naught. She exhausted all her contacts, all her leads, but she hadn't gotten any closer to finding Fidelus Altus and the revenge, the one thing keeping her going, holding her puppet strings aloft, snapped under the pressure of this inescapable failure. Shizuru returned to the quarters she shared with Natsuki at Garderobe only to find herself overwhelmed. There were too many memories and mementos of their life together, and on seeing them that last piece of her, the part that had remained miraculously whole, finally shattered from the grief.

These things in this room, they should have been precious keepsakes of her Natsuki but instead they were terrible reminders, they silently taunted her, forcing Shizuru to confront the fact that the woman she loved was gone and would never return. She would never wear these clothes, never sleep in this bed, never use this brush, and it was the same as when she heard about Natsuki's death, there was a fog in her mind, a red veil falling over her eyes. Shizuru felt strangely disconnected from her body, as if she was very far away, observing it all and watching as she destroyed everything in her path. Everything that reminded her of what she could no longer have, everything that she had lost, until she collapsed amongst the wreckage, eyes dry because there were no more tears to shed, no emotions to have and hold, not with Natsuki gone and Shizuru stared into space, unable to track time as it passed. Just distantly registering the husky sound of someone saying her name.

There was the sound of the crushed furniture being moved and footsteps then there was a face in front of her. One that wasn't sad and sympathetic or even grief stricken, one instead that was hard and held a cold detachment, the sort that was reflected in green eyes that regarded her head on. 

"Aswad's Leader," said Shizuru, her voice flat and lacking all emotion. "What do you want?"

"Viola," Midori returned in much the same tones, crouching in front of Shizuru. "I liked your Principal. She kept her promises, like the little Queen of Windbloom. I was sorry to hear of her death, she was a good friend to the Aswad while she lived and we will never forget that. I also regret the loss of the President of Aries. She was the rare honest person in a dishonest world."

"You came to tell me this," Shizuru said in something of a hiss, pushing herself to her feet, standing over the other woman, rage in her eyes. "You came to tell me what everyone says, Leader of the Aswad? What's the use in that? It won't bring my Natsuki back to me."

"Nothing can do that," said Midori bluntly, rising up and meeting Shizuru's eyes. "I'm here to say the Aswad always repay their debts and we owed one to your Principal." She paused, pulling out several folded pieces of paper from her pocket, handing them to Shizuru. "This is our repayment." 

Pushing back the corners of the papers, looking through their pages, Shizuru saw familiar names and faces. They were nobles she had met, who had met Natsuki, and she saw locations, numerous places that covered all of Earl, she saw this and she felt herself tremble as she let herself have a moment of desperate hope this was what she wanted it to be. Her head jerked up and her eyes were wild and frantic, almost animalistic, and if this wasn't what she thought, if Aswad's Leader was deceiving her, giving her false expectations, Shizuru would kill her where she stood.

"This," Shizuru could barely push the word past her lips and her body, it wouldn't stop shaking, it felt as if she might vibrate out of her skin, and she could feel the papers crumpling in her grasp but she stopped herself. They had to be kept safe if they were what she thought. "What is this?"

"The names and locations of all the high ranking members of Fidelus Altus," said Midori who formed the most vicious sort of smile, the kind that spoke of bloodlust and revenge. Shizuru automatically returned it, her rust colored eyes red with the death she was imagining. "Our gift to you."

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, she searched for just a drop of this information and now it was before her in perfect little black and white words, easily read, easily understood, and Shizuru stared at those names, those faces, those places, and knew she would see every last one of them. She would see them and she would kill those who resided there, she would wipe away the existence of those who took Natsuki from her. It was all she had left to live for, this revenge, and if she could feel anything she knew she would feel a savage joy to know this. But there was nothing to feel, there had been nothing since they killed Natsuki, and Shizuru doubted there ever would be again.

"Forgiveness isn't a trait of the Aswad," Midori informed coolly and Shizuru looked up at her, observing the easy tilt of her head and the ruthless curl of her lips. "Blood for blood, blade for blade, that is our law."

"It's a good one," said Shizuru, mimicking that expression, her gaze manic with a horrifying glee, filled with the echoes of her misery and pain. Her robe materialized without her saying the words, the power surging through her body, and she looked down at the papers, knowing they would all die, that she would remove them from this world just as they removed her Natsuki but she had to know one thing first. "Who was it?" Shizuru asked, her voice trembling, and she could feel that disconnect happening again, she could feel the monster rising up inside of her. "Who planned it?"

"The first ten," replied Midori calmly, her finger moving over the names. "They're together in hiding. There's a remote castle in Artai, just beyond the highest mountain range, a land perpetually in the depths of winter. They're a band of cowards, each fearing the other would reveal their role in the attack and so they force themselves to remain as a group, pretending to share a brotherhood based on noble superiority." Midori's face transformed into an awful parody of happiness as she said, "I can take you there."

For some reason Shizuru's mind, crazed as it was, already focused on her revenge, turned to Haruka. She had seen footage of the wake, watched the other Otome fly off with that tortured expression on her face and she knew the blonde blamed herself for Yukino's death just as she blamed herself for Natsuki's. This was something that Haruka should be there for, hunting these killers down, bringing them to justice. Haruka had every right to be included, the sane part of Shizuru told her that, the tiny piece grasping onto her humanity, the part that she thought had long since been destroyed with Natsuki's death. And it was that part of her that made her hesitate and turn to Midori now.

"We must see Haruka," said Shizuru and she had some distant realization that was the first time she hadn't added an honorific. She always used it in the past to tease, to poke at the blonde, but she couldn't do that anymore. Not to the only person that Shizuru thought might actually understand what she felt in her loss of Natsuki. There was a kinship she felt to Haruka that she couldn't explain, even before this horror, but now that it had occurred, there was something else there. A darkness that tied her to the woman from Aries and while Shizuru didn't want to pursue the reasons she felt this way she knew she couldn't do this without Haruka. "She needs to be there."

"The General?" Midori questioned, surprise etched onto her features. "I didn't think you would want her involved. Despite her bluster and bravado she's a soft person. I doubt she has the stomach for this."

"We must see Haruka," Shizuru repeated and her eyes flashed at the redhead in warning. Midori dipped her head in concession, instinctively knowing not to argue with the Otome, that she was not in the mindset to hear dissenting opinions and perhaps never would be again.

\---

It was strange, being in this house without Yukino. When the brunette graduated from Windbloom University she had been given the house as part of her inheritance from her grandmother. They hadn't ever really gotten a chance to live in it because by the time they were allowed to be together Yukino was in office as the President and the President of Aries always resided in quarters at The Hexagon, which is what they did for the twelve years of Yukino's presidency. Once she was out of office they retreated to the state of Mar, with its beaches and forests, only leaving to begin their long delayed honeymoon which was shortly interrupted by Natsuki announcing Haruka was chosen to be the next 5th Column.

Sitting on the couch, Haruka stared at the pictures on the wall. The photographs of herself and Yukino, of Yukino's family, of her family, and she knew logically they had a long life together. They had been together since she was seven, becoming a couple when she was sixteen, and now she was thirty six but it didn't seem anywhere near long enough. Her gaze dropped down to her wedding ring. It was simple yet intricate in its design, lacking the flashy gemstones that other women would have desired. Yukino had the ring made especially for Haruka out of karzanite, a metal indigenous to Aries, it was glittering and solid in its strength, engraved with the Chrysant family crest and motto.

To a valiant heart, nothing is impossible.

"I want you to marry me," Yukino had said, smiling sweetly at her, slipping the ring onto Haruka's finger. Logically she knew that the ring should be given at the wedding ceremony itself but Yukino wanted Haruka to have it right away. To see what she had made for her because it would further help to explain and express her feelings for the blonde. "I love you, Haruka-chan. You've always been my family and it should finally be official."

The Chrysants were a well respected family in Aries. They were a legacy, their ancestor Anzai Chrysant had helped to facilitate the great rebellion from Artai, freeing Aries from their grip and helping to create their nation in the process. He was one of their founders, bringing about the democratic political system that existed to this day and to wear the crest of his family, to see their motto etched onto the ring she wore, it gave Haruka a sense of pride that she couldn't ever properly explain. She had failed them though, failed this great and grand family, failed them by not protecting Yukino, failed them by not saving the woman she loved and Haruka could never forgive herself for that. 

This ring, this house, this life, she didn't deserve it and Haruka didn't know what to do with herself. There was her duty as an Otome, as a Column, she supposed, but everything seemed so empty and pointless without Yukino by her side. It was as if she existed in a haze and nothing was solid in this state, nothing effected her, and Haruka hated it, she hated being this way, it was like giving up but what was left to fight for anymore?

A knock to the door and Haruka rose to answer it, not thinking, moving on instinct and habit, though she did feel some measure of surprise to see the figures of Shizuru and the Leader of the Aswad on her doorstep. "Shizuru," said Haruka. Her friend didn't look any better than she had when the blonde caught a glimpse of her on the television the day of the murders. That manic look was on her face and her eyes were on edge, glinting from obvious lack of sleep, and there was a sort of madness and grief that couldn't be reasoned with. "Come in."

Shizuru shook her head, then moved closer, leaving only a small space between them as she said, "Midori has found them." The brunette held up several pages of paper and Haruka moved her gaze to them then back to Shizuru. "We know where they are, Haruka. Fidelus Altus, the ones who killed my Natsuki and your Yukino, we know where all their leaders are." Lowering the papers, Shizuru seemed to get closer yet and there was an offering and a warning in her gaze as she said, "We're leaving now. Going after the ones who ordered the attack. Will you come?"

Going after them was the polite way to say it, the Shizuru way to say it, the old Shizuru maybe, this person in front of her most likely said it out of habit but Haruka knew what those polite words really meant. Shizuru was after blood and when they found those people, the ones who killed Natsuki and Yukino, they would kill them, and Haruka knew this would happen. She knew it the day she spoke with Cardinal at the site of the attack, when she looked at the smoldering wreckage and imagined the broken remains of the woman she loved. Haruka knew and she had wanted it to happen, she wanted Shizuru to kill them, and she wanted to be there when it took place and now that day had arrived. 

Despite her status in the Aries army, being raised by parents in the military, having her entire life being one of a soldier, Haruka wasn't someone who considered herself particularly brutal. People died in war, they died in conflict, but Haruka never sought out revenge. She never went into battle intending to kill another human being. Killing not out of necessity in duty and self-preservation but rather out of pain and misery and terrible, insistent, vengeance that wouldn't allow her to be at rest until those who killed the person she loved were dead themselves. That being so, she hesitated on accompanying Shizuru for this mission even though she wanted and wished them dead. Then Yukino's face flashed in her mind and staring down at the wedding ring that shone brightly by the streetlight, Haruka knew her answer.

"Yes," Haruka said quiet and firm, lifting violet eyes and removing her wedding ring. She carefully stored it in her jacket pocket where it would be safe from any damage her robe might take in battle. Removing the ring had become a habit after mission where her injuries and carelessness almost caused her to lose it while she was in battle. With Yukino gone, Haruka couldn't bear losing it. This ring was the last important gift from the woman she loved. It was something to be treasured and needed to be kept safe always. "I'm with you, Shizuru."

That said, they took to the air, beginning the journey into the mountains of Artai and Haruka didn't know how many hours had passed when Midori flew closer to her, riding on the back of her slave, looking at her with a curious expression. "General," Midori said this in a respectful greeting. "Do not take this as an insult but I was surprised by you agreeing to join us. Your history suggests that you would have chosen otherwise."

"Soldiers don't carry out acts of revenge," muttered Haruka, the words of her father returning to her, and she wondered if he thought she would end up doing this and was trying to warn her away. It was impossible though. She couldn't ignore what they had done, she couldn't let it go, bury it under her military training, and force down her emotions. That had never been something she was good at and often got her into trouble with superiors in the army but that was who she was and Haruka knew the futility of trying to change essential pieces of yourself. Turning to Midori, a grim set to her jaw, Haruka replied, "Yukino wasn't a President to me. She was my wife. The normal rules don't apply."

Satisfied with this answer, Midori flew ahead and Haruka was by herself, the wind whipping in her face and the air growing colder the further they journeyed into Artai territory. She was used to this, the bitter cold, the endless snow, she had gone on countless missions in Artai as the Topaz due to their volatile relationship with Aries but she never did manage to stop hating it. There was a dismal feeling to this country, this land, a sense of death and despair and Haruka never did wonder why men who came from here attacked her country so. She almost felt as if their twisted ideals were born of this awful land that never produced anything but the harshest cold and countless miseries.

They flew through the snow, obscuring their vision, moving lower, through the trees to deflect it, though their shields helped some. Soon they came upon the sight of a castle in the distance, hidden in the mountains, flickering lights revealing the people within. Both Otome looked to Midori who gave a wicked smile and dipped her head, acknowledging that this was where they were hiding. Fidelus Altus, the ones who planned the attack, the ones who killed Natsuki and Yukino, and they fixed their eyes on their target, blood boiling and a wild sort of frenzy beginning to seize them.

Shizuru summoned her naginata and flew at the castle, transforming the double blades into a chain. She swung it through the air, cutting through the guards shooting at her, wincing as a bullet grazed her arm. In an elegant display, Shizuru destroyed the large drawbridge and declared their entrance into battle. There were guards everywhere with swords and guns but Shizuru dismissed them with a flick of her wrist, the chain cutting through the air and into their bodies, leaving only pieces of them to remain. It was then that Midori and Haruka arrived. 

Midori grinned, taking in the carnage that Shizuru had wrought in just seconds and said, "They should be in the west tower. It's the most protected."

No acknowledge came from Shizuru, just her naginata changing back into the double blades in a movement of deadly grace, cutting through those who would block her path as if they were nothing more than insects underneath her boot. Something always happened to her when she was in battle. She tried to speak Natsuki about it once but stopped because she could see how it frightened the other woman. Shizuru never wanted to frighten, to distance herself from Natsuki, but all the same she wanted to understand it, to know if it was normal. This feeling of separation she always had, being outside herself, a total disconnect from her emotions, it was a strange sensation, as if she was a robot and put onto this automatic mode of operation, killing those who stood against her with little remorse because it was her duty. The way that Natsuki reacted, the fear and the worry, it told Shizuru it wasn't normal and she always suspected that but the look in Natsuki's eyes told her it was much worse than that.

It was then that Shizuru knew when it came to battle she became a monster. 

There were no emotions to be had, not like Haruka, who became almost giddy, swept up in the excitement, in the challenge of the fight, Shizuru felt nothing at all, not even as she killed these men. She blinked, wiping away the blood that flew in her face, obscuring her vision and she flew through the corridors of the castle. Sixty eight, Shizuru noted, her naginata slicing through the belly of a guard who tried to surprise her as he jumped around the corner. That was how many she had killed so far but they were pawns, underlings, they weren't the ones who killed her Natsuki. The paper had their pictures and they didn't have magic to change their appearance so she knew she could find them. Haruka was following her, she could hear her shouts from behind and it was comforting somehow, to have her close. An odd fraction of normalcy.

Dizzying, that was this passage way, twisting and turning, and more and more soldiers came out of the woodwork and Shizuru knew they must be getting close. Haruka was closer behind her now and Shizuru looked back, watching her dispose of two of the guards and Shizuru wondered what Haruka must be feeling. The blonde wasn't like her, she had always been kinder, far more gentle and good than anyone gave her credit for, and she knew Haruka didn't lose herself in the battle like she did. Haruka didn't become a monster who had no grasp of good and evil and any sort of morality, Haruka knew who she was, even in gruesome moments like this, where they were slaughtering hundreds out of revenge. And Haruka would feel guilty about this but Shizuru never would, she never could, it wasn't in her to have emotions, not about this. Sometimes she thought she hadn't been born with emotions, that she was just given the ability to pretend, to act as if she did, and it was only Natsuki who allowed her to truly feel for the first time. But now Natsuki was gone and Shizuru didn't think she would ever feel anything again, other than misery and madness. 

More guards, more traps, Shizuru moved through them all, her naginata changing into a chain, cutting through them all and she flew through the rain of blood and Haruka was shouting at her, she was shouting but Shizuru couldn't stop, she couldn't find out what Haruka wanted. Not now, they were much too close, she could sense it. Soon they would be with those who killed her Natsuki and she would have her revenge. 

Shouldn't she be feeling something? Shizuru wondered. Even when she never did, shouldn't this be different? She had been wanting this since the moment she knew Fidelus Altus killed Natsuki. It was all she wanted, for each and every member of this organization to perish by her hand, for them to suffer as she did, for them to suffer as Natsuki had. But there was nothing. There was no terrible joy from their deaths, just that same feeling of detachment and it made Shizuru rage inside. This should give her something, some measure of relief, something to ease the pain of losing Natsuki. When they came upon twenty more guards, Shizuru screamed out, slicing their heads off and watching with a mad sort of glee as they flew through the air as she broke down the door to the west tower.

All ten of their faces were burned into her mind, Shizuru would never forget them, they would forever be linked to Natsuki, for they were the ones who took her away and floating in that room, naginata in hand, blood dripping onto the floor, she saw them all now. Part of her wondered at the idiocy of it, all of them staying together in the same place. Didn't they know this made it that much easier for her to kill them? Or perhaps they wanted to die together, in some ridiculous attempt at brotherhood, their farcical bond as nobles. Shizuru sneered at the thought. 

Begging, they were begging for their lives, these men who killed her Natsuki, and Shizuru didn't reply. She simply changed her element from its chain form back into the double blades and she held it in her hand, landing on the ground and taking a single step forward. One of them pulled out a gun and she formed a vicious smile, tilting her head to one side, feeling the faint breeze as the bullet passed through her hair and she brought her arm forward in an easy stroke, just a light flick of her hand really, and watched with terrifying satisfaction as his head fell to the ground. They were screaming now and more guns were brought out but Haruka was in the room and her axe extended, slicing through the guns and as she did this, Shizuru killed more of them, stabbing them through their stomachs and slicing upwards, delighting in the sickening gurgle they produced.

Haruka was shouting again. The blonde had always been loud but this was much louder than Shizuru was used to and Haruka was telling her to stop but how could she stop? There were still others left to kill. Three to be exact, three of them left, three men left who killed her Natsuki and she knew one of the ten had been killed by Haruka, the other Otome had done it when they tried to shoot her, she had seen it, and Shizuru wondered if Haruka felt anything when she did it because Shizuru still didn't. There was nothing, not even a monstrous joy, there was something distant, a small sort of relief they were dead but there was no happiness to be had, not while Natsuki was dead. 

The shouting had turned into pleading, Haruka was pleading with her, and Shizuru looked at her but she didn't see her, she just saw the men behind her, cowering for their lives, their weapons destroyed and the fear on their faces. They thought Haruka would save them and she could see the disgust on the blonde's features at this. Shizuru shoved past her, raising her naginata and cutting into one of them, leaving only two, and she watched him scream out as she twisted the blades into him. Haruka was pulling at her arm and shouting she would end this and Shizuru wasn't listening, she was watching him die, watching and wondering what it had been like when Natsuki died. Hoping it wasn't like this, that it had been fast and painless and she knew she couldn't let him die peacefully as her Natsuki did and she forced the blades in deeper. 

Bricks were falling, Shizuru realized, and she turned to Haruka, screaming in furious indignation upon seeing the head of axe smashed through the castle floor. Haruka was collapsing the building, she was allowing them a death far less horrible than what Shizuru imagined and wanted and she wouldn't allow it, she couldn't, and she turned to the others, preparing to cut them down. But there was a pressure at the back of her head and she felt her vision swimming into darkness and her body held in surprisingly soft arms and it was like Natsuki was with her again except the hair fluttering in her face, it wasn't black, it was blonde and Shizuru knew it wasn't her Natsuki.

It would never be her Natsuki. 

"Thank you," one of the nobles said, his voice shaking and his features pale. Haruka glared at him, faintly aware of Midori entering the room, riding on her slave.

"Don't thank me," Haruka said, her voice full of disgust, and there was a grim finality on her face as she shifted Shizuru in her arms, treating her as if she was delicate china and not a woman who had killed well over a hundred men in just a matter of minutes. "You're still going to die."

Then she flew off the ground, lifting her axe and collapsing the ceiling, grimacing at their screams as the weight of hundreds of bricks fell on them, crushing their bodies as she escaped into the night sky, Midori on her tail. They remained there, looking down at the crumbling castle that Haruka had destroyed with the swing of her axe, and she knew that Yukino wouldn't approve of what she had just done. The problem was, Yukino wasn't here anymore and she couldn't tell her these things were wrong. Haruka could feel herself deteriorating, losing her morals, her beliefs, and she hated it, she hated it as much as she hated her own feeling of worthlessness at Yukino's death, but this was all she had now. 

"She won't be pleased," Midori remarked casually, floating closer to Haruka, who turned to the other woman with a blank expression. "I think she wanted to kill each of them personally." 

"Maybe," said Haruka with a snort, cradling Shizuru closer, and looking down at her features. Even unconscious they were troubled, lines on her brow, her lips turned into a frown, and she had the strange urge to wipe them away. "But I'm not letting bubuzuke take all the blame. When she snaps out of this she'll hate herself but now it's not just her, is it? I killed them too and she won't be alone in this."

"It isn't the same, General," said Midori and if Haruka didn't know the woman better she could have sworn there was a touch of empathy in her tones. "You saw the way she killed those men and what you did is nowhere close in comparison."

"They're still dead," said Haruka, looking at Midori with narrowed eyes. Releasing a sigh and shrugging her shoulders, Midori relented and Haruka frowned, muttering an apology which the redhead easily accepted. They began a slow flight away from Artai, through a far more mild snowstorm, and Haruka looked to Midori and questioned, "Can we stay with you until this is finished?"

Returning to Aries or Windbloom simply wasn't smart. There was no evidence that they were responsible for the attack on the castle, the deaths of all those people, but Haruka knew her fellow Columns weren't stupid and they would soon figure out it was their doing. If they were to go to either country they would be quickly tracked down and that wasn't something they could allow. Not when so much more had to be done. Haruka instinctively knew that Shizuru wouldn't be satisfied until every name on that list was taken care of and as much as she hated what happened tonight, seeing how those men died, being a part of such brutal deaths, she couldn't leave Shizuru to do it alone. Not when they both lost someone in that attack, not when they both understood the pain and misery it caused, and not when it was her friend who was suffering. 

"The Aswad always welcomes powerful allies," said Midori simply and Haruka dipped her head in thanks.

The rest of their flight was silent, passing through Artai into Cardair, and further into the Black Valley. Things looked so different, a desert wasteland transformed into an oasis but security was just as tight as it ever was, Midori saying a phrase, low and mumbled, momentarily disarming the barrier shield around the large compound that was the Aswad's new home. Once they landed they were swarmed with well wishers who said little but looked at them with solemn and respectful eyes, watching as Midori led them to their new quarters, safe from inquisitive onlookers.

Gently placing Shizuru down on one bed and sitting down on the other, Haruka stared at the brunette. Shizuru would be angry when she woke up. Furious, in fact, but Haruka knew she had done the right thing. She couldn't let Shizuru kill them all, take all the blame, all the responsibility, not when she wanted them dead just as much and it wouldn't be fair, to let Shizuru shoulder that burden alone, not when they wanted the same awful thing. Staring at her hands, realizing they had killed not out of self-defense, not out of duty, but out of an uncontrolled desire for revenge, they felt dirty to Haruka. Sticky and soiled and she was curious if that feeling would ever pass. The cynical side of her didn't think so. 

\---

Shizuru woke to an unfamiliar room and unfamiliar sounds and she was in that place between sleep and waking when your mind is muddled. Her eyes fell onto a blue jacket resting over the back of a chair. Close in color, close in design, so close to one she knew well. "Natsuki," Shizuru murmured, her voice broken but a desperate hope clinging to it. 

Then the door opened and she saw Haruka, bruised and bandaged, and she remembered her Natsuki was dead. Shizuru hated this, hated remembering each time she woke, she hated her dreams for making her think otherwise because it made reality that much worse. It was why she didn't sleep much anymore. An easy way to avoid the pain of waking from these dreams where Natsuki was still alive. Getting out of bed, it all returned to her, the battle and those men. There were two of them left, two who killed her Natsuki and she wanted to finish them off but Haruka had stopped her. Shizuru felt a rage rise up in her, one that hadn't been equaled since she learned of Natsuki's death and she growled Haruka's name, eyes narrowing as the blonde calmly shut the door, leaving them alone.

"You saved them," Shizuru accused, flexing her fingers and she felt her element emerge into her hands as she stepped closer to Haruka. "You saved the ones who killed my Natsuki. I was going to finish them, kill them as they begged for their lives but you stopped me. Why would you do that?"

"I didn't save anybody," said Haruka stubbornly and her eyes were dark. "I knocked you out and then I killed them. Collapsed that damn castle on their heads and crushed them under a ton of rocks."

"I wanted to see them all die," Shizuru hissed and she rested the tip of her naginata at Haruka's chin. "Why take that from me?"

Staring at the naginata and frowning deeply, Haruka shoved it away and stared Shizuru down. "You're not the only one who lost somebody," she said gruffly. "Yukino died too, you know. I wanted them gone just as much and maybe I wanted to cause it. What about that?"

There was a stillness in Shizuru's mind on hearing this and a strange sort of calm swept over her. It wasn't like before, when Natsuki was alive, there wasn't that crystal clarity of her emotions and her mind, but the raging inside her had ceased and she could hear her own thoughts again. The disconnect had left her and it felt as if she was seeing Haruka for the first time in years. 

"Haruka," Shizuru murmured her name in just a whisper, her expression forlorn, unable to say anything more.

"We both lost somebody," Haruka continued, shoving her hands into the pockets of her pants, and looking at Shizuru plaintively. "I don't want you to do this alone. You don't have to. I want to be there with you. I'm not stupid," Haruka cut off whatever Shizuru was going to say next, most likely a denial she would hunt the rest of the people on the list. "I know you're going after them and I want to be there. I need it," Haruka said this in a mumble, her face darkening, and Shizuru could see the pain there, the self-hatred, and she knew where it came from. She knew how Haruka blamed herself for Yukino's death just as she blamed herself for Natsuki's. "It won't be right otherwise."

"I'm going to kill them," said Shizuru simply. "You can't stop me again."

"I know," said Haruka and there was an acceptance on her face but a sadness as well. "It's inimical."

A smile formed on her lips before she could help it and Shizuru chuckled, tilting her head to one side as she said, "Inevitable." When Haruka blinked at her, the smile grew wider and Shizuru stepped closer, curling a lock of blonde hair around her finger. "Haruka meant to say it's inevitable."

"Oh," Haruka muttered, a blush on her cheeks, embarrassed at her habit of mixing up words, even in serious times such as these. It was nice though, having Shizuru correct her, it reminded her of Yukino and as much as it hurt it was nice as well because it was from happier times, better times than these, ones that Haruka never wanted to forget. "Bubuzuke," she said quietly, turning Shizuru's attention to her, putting their faces closer together and making Haruka's face turn redder yet. "We're with the Aswad. I figured it's not safe, going back to Aries or Windbloom while we're doing this. You know Sara and Nao, they're not going to like it, and Fumi-sama might revoke our ability to materialize--"

"The Founder would have done that immediately if she was going to do it at all," said Shizuru calmly, stepping away from Haruka and removing the papers she had safely hidden in her pants pocket. She wondered why the blonde hadn't taken them but she realized as much as Haruka said she needed to be a part of this, to see them gone, she didn't want to have these people carried with her, these people who wanted the women they loved dead. Looking about the room, she saw a pen on the desk and crossing over to it, she drew lines through the first ten names. There were fifty seven left, fifty seven people to kill, fifty seven who commanded cells for Fidelus Altus, fifty seven who plotted, who murdered, fifty seven who would have killed her Natsuki just like the ten who were disposed of last night. This wouldn't end until they were dead. Folding the papers in her hands, she put them back into her pocket and looked to Haruka. "You don't have to do this. I can manage on my own."

"No," Haruka shook her head, an obstinate look on her features. "We both lost somebody and we're doing this together." Shizuru simply stared at her, no expression on her face, and it disturbed Haruka, making her move forward. She reached out to the other Otome, holding her hands and looking into her eyes, trying to find something of her old friend in there, something left to hope for. "You're the only one who knows," Haruka said in a painful mutter, squeezing her hands tighter, and stepping closer yet. "You're the only one who knows what it feels like. I won't let you do this alone. Not when you're the only one who understands. Like I said, it wouldn't be right."

Dropping her head, Shizuru's eyes fixed on Haruka's wedding ring, glittering even in the darkness of this room, and she murmured, "I wanted a ring that had a jewel the color of Natsuki's eyes when we were married. That way I could look at it and see her always."

"Shizuru," Haruka held her face and wiped at tears Shizuru didn't even know she had shed until this moment. 

She hadn't cried before this, she couldn't cry. Not while she had been consumed by the rage and the need to kill those who murdered her Natsuki. Now those men were dead. Only their colleagues remained and Shizuru felt the rage recede just a little, just enough for these tears to emerge. She was sobbing now, her head buried in the crook of Haruka's neck as she felt the misery and the grief fall over her like a tidal wave. The blonde held her close, never letting her go, weathering through the storm of her emotions. Shizuru clung to her, holding onto the only solid thing she had left in her life, the only real thing. Though she believed she would never feel happiness or love while her Natsuki was dead, there was still a strange comfort in this moment and it was all because of Haruka.

Because she understood.


	3. Chapter 3

The list was becoming smaller. Fifty six, forty nine, thirty seven, the numbers began to dwindle. Shizuru expected that the more she killed, the fewer that were left, the better she would feel but that never happened. There was a distinct lack of emotion involved. That empty feeling still remained and Shizuru didn't think it would ever go away. Not as long as Natsuki was dead. But the killing, completing the list, and finishing off the leadership of Fidelus Altus it kept her going. It gave her a focus and Shizuru needed that. If she didn't have a reason to keep moving, to keep breathing, she thought sometimes she would just stop. Shizuru wondered what would happen when she was finally done and the list was finished. What would happen then?

Suicide was an option. 

Except Shizuru knew that Natsuki wouldn’t want that. There had been times, similar to this, nothing so awful because she had Natsuki with her but times where they were separated or Natsuki was badly injured. In those times, Natsuki had seen a glimpse of what Shizuru could become without her and she told Shizuru she didn’t like it. She had told her that she wanted Shizuru to survive, to be strong, to keep going on and keep her in her heart always. Shizuru knew because of this Natsuki wouldn’t have wanted her to kill herself. 

And so, Shizuru discarded that possibility. Some part of her wanted to die in these battles though. For it to end when the last of Fidelus Altus was dead and she could be at peace. She doubted it would happen. Ever since she entered Garderobe few had presented her with any sort of difficulty or challenge in battle. Haruka had tried, had worked so hard to excel, and Shizuru allowed her those wins in the beginning to give her the victory, the rank, that she thought the blonde desired but it wasn’t that at all. For Haruka it was about the work ethic itself, the drive to improve, and once she found out Shizuru had been holding back her true skills… well, she had never seen the blonde that hurt before. 

Natsuki was Shizuru’s first and only love but Haruka was her first and only friend. It was Haruka, not Natsuki, who had seen through her mask from the very start. Haruka had always known when she was pretending. Wearing a fake smile and using a put upon charm and Haruka hated it. Only when she dropped that mask as they grew to know each other as roommates at Garderobe did Haruka begin to accept her. Haruka spoke the truth, even when it was painful, and Shizuru loved that about her. That and how she saw who Shizuru was when no one else did. 

Who she was, underneath the mask, all her secrets, they were Natsuki’s because Shizuru let her in. Natsuki broke down those walls, yes, but it was Haruka who saw them in the first place. Maybe it was that which allowed Haruka to be close enough to see the madness seeping through, rather than Yukino dying with Natsuki. Lately Shizuru felt her last vestiges of sanity and control slipping though she did her best to hide it, denying the existence of the monster inside of her.

Sleeping wasn’t easy but Haruka tried her best to make it that way. Often they couldn’t return to the Aswad, so they slept in desolate forests, snowy mountains, harsh areas where Fidelus Altus hid themselves away. Shizuru hated sleeping. She hated the dreams of Natsuki, dreams where she was alive, only to wake and be reminded of her death. She fought sleep but Haruka would cajole her into it and Shizuru refused, doing her best to stay awake, but Haruka never gave up and eventually exhaustion would claim Shizuru despite her best efforts and she would sleep. She wanted to fight Haruka, produce her element and threaten the blonde but it wouldn't do any good. What would she do with it? Kill her only friend? She wasn't that mad. Not yet anyway. 

They had taken to sleeping in shifts. There were people searching for them after all. Fidelus Altus and operatives from Garderobe and they couldn’t be caught yet. Whenever it was Shizuru’s turn to sleep Haruka would wake her on the hour. It was after an hour of sleep that the dreams began. Haruka would sit by her side make sure she never had those dreams. They never spoke of it but Shizuru was sure Haruka knew what she dreamed and that was why she helped her. Every night without fail they went through this routine and the sane part of Shizuru was grateful.

Her mind was starting to fail her and she couldn’t think as she used to. It was harder to see the patterns, to work out when people were lying, and she lost her patience when interrogating those hiding Fidelus Altus. The remaining leadership had squirreled themselves away, into different locations than what Midori and her colleagues had found. While the Aswad helped discover some of these new locations not all of them were known and Shizuru had resorted to her old methods of interrogation during their travels across Earl. 

When she was done and would walk out of those tiny rooms that seemed to echo with the screams of the men she had tortured, Shizuru would be met with Haruka standing guard, protecting her, keeping her safe, and Shizuru wondered at it. What she had done to deserve this sort of loyalty. She believed Haruka somewhat. That she was doing this to exact retribution for Yukino’s murder but it wasn’t natural, Haruka wanting such a thing. It went against who she was and Midori was right. Haruka was softer than anyone gave her credit for, just as she was kinder too, and this bloody game Shizuru was playing, it wasn’t her sort. If not for Shizuru the blonde wouldn’t be walking down this path. She knew this all too well.

There were moments when she wanted to send Haruka away. 

Usually this occurred during the killings. When they found the leadership of Fidelus Altus, when her list grew smaller in numbers, when her element emerged in her hands and turned red with the blood of those men. Haruka was always there, at her side, doing her best to protect her and sometimes Shizuru would make the mistake of looking at her. She would see Haruka’s face, unnaturally without expression, her jaw clenched, and her true emotions being repressed. It was a reminder of how this wasn’t something Haruka was meant to do. How it went against her nature and it was another thing Shizuru hated herself for. Dragging her friend down to this level and she wanted to send Haruka away but she couldn’t. 

Though Haruka would flinch during the slaughter, though she would frown as she wiped the blood from Shizuru’s face and cleaned her wounds, though she would be silent as Shizuru ranted on how she would end all of their lives, she never turned from her. She accepted her madness and she never strayed from Shizuru’s side and Shizuru knew, despite all the terrible things she had done, all the horrendous acts that Haruka had witnessed her committing, the blonde would never fear her. She would never fear and she would never leave, not unless Shizuru sent her away, and even then Shizuru wasn’t sure that Haruka would go.

Shizuru loved Haruka for this and it was that emotion keeping a small part of her sane. The ability to feel something for another human being who wasn’t her Natsuki. Someone living and breathing and standing by her side and it kept Shizuru from sending Haruka away. But she knew it was selfish to keep Haruka with her. Surely Yukino cursed her for it. For pulling her wife down into these murky depths, changing her into something far less noble. Shizuru did hate herself for it but all the same, she couldn’t send Haruka away. She needed her too much. 

Maybe it was that need, that connection, that would keep her alive when this was over. Shizuru suspected as much whenever she thought about the list being finished and all these men dead. It seemed so far off though, the time when this would happen. She only had a vague sense of the days passing and Shizuru knew it had been months since she had lost her Natsuki but she couldn’t retain a clear grasp of time. She wasn’t sure she wanted that ability, to be honest.

Throughout their travels, hunting these men, they came to know a little of what was happening at Garderobe. Miss Maria had been named the interim Principal, a duty often given to the older Otome in the past. Maya was temporarily reinstated as a staff member to help with the Column duties spread thin between Nao and Sara. They also knew that Nao was searching for them. A task made more difficult by Shizuru destroying the tracking system at Garderobe created for the Columns. Once it was repaired they would have little chance to evade Nao. It was another reason they had to work quickly. On one late night return to the Aswad they were confronted by an angry Midori who informed them that the 4th Column had somehow found a way through their barrier and searched the premises for them. It was then that they decided to leave the Aswad more often, to stay in desolate places while they conducted their searches, to keep them safe from their colleagues prying eyes.

Tonight they were returning to Windbloom and Wind City. It was dangerous, going somewhere that close to Garderobe with Nao constantly on the hunt, but they had information that five of Fidelus Altus’ leaders had come to the city. They were hiding in the small slum that still remained despite all of Queen Mashiro’s reforms and with their deaths the list would become smaller yet. Leaving just thirty two remaining. Little by little, bit by bit, she was getting rid of them all. 

Soon they would all be dead and the list would be completed and Shizuru didn’t know what would become of her then. Perhaps she would let Nao find her and see what the other Otome had planned. Certainly her actions were criminal. It was possible that a lifetime in a jail was her future. Shizuru didn’t know. She just knew this wouldn’t end. Not until she killed every last one of them.

—-

Standing guard for Shizuru was how Haruka spent most of her days and nights. Everything in her life involved Shizuru now. In a way Shizuru had become her life. Journeying with her, protecting her, caring for her, it was all about Shizuru and Haruka knew this wasn’t good. That Shizuru had become a crutch for her, a strange replacement for Yukino. Before everything she did was for her wife and their life together but now it was for Shizuru. The one seeking vengeance for Natsuki and Yukino’s deaths. 

After they got rid of the ten who were responsible for the attack, Haruka couldn’t find it in her to kill anymore. Not unless it was out of necessity or self-defense. Haruka didn’t have the strength to finish off the rest of them but she couldn’t leave Shizuru. She needed to be by Shizuru’s side, to keep her safe, protect her in a way she couldn’t do for Yukino because it was Shizuru who was avenging Yukino’s death and it was Shizuru who understood. Who knew what it was to feel this gaping hole in your heart and have a constant sense that the world just wasn’t right anymore.

Watching Shizuru in battle was a beautiful but frightening thing. Haruka had always thought this. Her former roommate moved with such grace that she would find herself mesmerized, only snapped out of this state by the spray of blood and the screams of her victims. Shizuru killed with an ease that was inhuman and Haruka knew she should be wary of it. What was going on wasn’t natural and Shizuru was changing. There had always been a distance to her, that was what made Haruka angry when they met as students at Garderobe. Seeing the farce that Shizuru would perform, the pretense she put on, hiding who she really was and only showing a mask of cool perfection which echoed of a certain amount of disdain and superiority.

Haruka hated it and she hated Shizuru at first. Then they spent more and more time together, as roommates and training with Miss Maria, and she saw past that mask to who was really there. When it happened Haruka didn’t really know but somehow they became friends and Haruka trusted Shizuru. But the Shizuru she trusted, the Shizuru she befriended, she seemed to be falling away into an abyss where Haruka couldn’t reach. Shizuru wouldn’t speak to her, not really, and if she wouldn’t speak, she wouldn’t share, how was Haruka to know the right way to help other than being there?

That’s why she spent her days and nights caring for Shizuru. Helping her locate the remaining members of Fidelus Altus, mapping the course to where they were, defending her in battle and killing those that threatened her, aiding her escape when they were done, and cleaning her wounds when they returned to base camp. This was all she could do for her friend, these small, meager, things. Haruka felt insignificant, worthless, unable to save Yukino and unable to really help Shizuru but she kept caring for her. Cooking her meals, changing her clothes, helping her to sleep through the night. 

This was Haruka’s existence and it provided a measure of escape from the memories of her failure. Then she would have those moments where she would see something, hear something, and a flash of Yukino would emerge. Blinding joy would seize her and in those rare instances she was really and truly happy. Because in those moments it was like Yukino was with her again. Only those moments, they would end far too soon. Leaving her to remember how Yukino was gone, how she had failed her, and how it was Shizuru, not her, who had the strength to finish off her murderers.

She wondered sometimes what their people would think of her. Their great Continental Orb Topaz, their brave Brigadier General, who was unable to save the woman she had loved since she was a child, unable to exact revenge, relying instead on her oldest friend to do that job for her while she stood on the sidelines. Haruka hated herself a little bit more every day and she tried to convince herself she helped Shizuru somehow but that was a lie.

If she was helping then Shizuru wouldn’t be worse, the madness in her eyes wouldn’t be there more often. 

There was nothing Haruka could do but stay by Shizuru’s side and try to help however she could. Which is what she was focused on now. They had returned to Windbloom and Wind City, successfully killing five more of Fidelus Altus’ leaders only to discover there were three others in hiding in the dregs of the city. Scurrying from them, like rats on a sinking ship, it wasn’t long before they tracked them down in a run down bar. Moving quickly as she could, Haruka cleared out the citizens of Windbloom, not wanting them to see, to get involved in their business, and slammed the door shut, leaving Shizuru alone with the three nobles who claimed leadership roles in Fidelus Altus. She stood guard, eyes alert and flexing her fingers, ready to summon her element at any sign of trouble. She never expected that trouble to arrive in the form of Arika Yumemiya though.

“General?”

Whipping her head up, Haruka was met with the sight of Arika flying in the air, materialized in her robe. In the back of her mind, knowing they were hunted by their fellow Columns, Haruka was grateful the girl wasn’t in Zwei mode. She would prove a bigger problem if she was and should it come down to a battle Haruka wouldn’t be able to hold anything back if Arika was in that blue robe that was so reminiscent of her mother’s frightening power. Fortunately she was in her usual colors, pink and white, and her blue eyes were impossibly wide and worried as she looked at Haruka. Seeing Arika made Haruka feel ashamed somehow. 

“I’m not a General anymore,” Haruka replied and her heart felt mysteriously lighter just from being near Arika. There was an innocence to this girl along with a sincerity and Haruka had liked her from the start. The affection she felt for Arika was the reason she dearly wished Arika wouldn’t force her hand. Make her choose between protecting Shizuru and their mission and doing the right thing by a girl that she had always wanted to mentor in some strange way. “What are you doing flying around? Shouldn’t you be guarding the Queen? That’s an Otome’s job,” Haruka said this in a mutter, her eyes turning dark, thinking how not long ago it was her job and she had done it well. Until she failed her Master, until she let Yukino die.

“Mashiro likes me to patrol the city,” revealed Arika, floating in front of Haruka, concern on her features. “General,” Arika called her that damn title again, the thing that she wasn’t, the thing that she had betrayed, and moved closer. “Where have you been? It’s been five months… Nao has been looking everywhere for you and Shizuru-oneesama.” 

“We’ve been working,” said Haruka and she kept her face as neutral as possible. She wasn’t good at lying, not like Shizuru. It was hard for her, deception and trickery, just like stealth and speed, they had to be forced along. Haruka just knew to try and not make any expressions. That was the one thing she could do in this type of situation. Yet another way she wasn’t good enough, yet another sign of uselessness. Haruka clenched her jaw and formed her hands into fists. “What about you?”

“General,” Arika said it again and Haruka’s fingers dug into her skin and she wanted to scream at the girl to stop calling her that but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do that to her. Not to this girl who was everything she used to be but so much better. “I didn’t get to speak to you at Yukino-san’s funeral. I wanted to tell you how sorry—”

“Everybody’s sorry,” interrupted Haruka and Arika landed now, standing in front of her and frowning. “They can all be sorry but she’ll still be dead and it’ll still be my fault.” Seeing Arika start to protest, Haruka’s eyes narrowed and she said in quiet but caustic tones, “It’s the truth. Yukino wouldn’t have died if I was there. I always saved her before. Always.”

Silence and Arika looked at her with eyes that were impossibly blue and brimming with concern. An absurd part of Haruka wanted to pat the girl on the head and tell her everything would be all right. She looked so much like a sad child in that moment but Haruka couldn’t. Not with Shizuru in that bar with those men, not when it could effect their mission. 

“What are you doing here?” Arika finally asked.

“Working,” said Haruka and she maintained her neutral expression. Slowly she uncurled her hands from the tight fists she had formed, her fingertips itching and something in her knew she would be summoning her element soon. 

“I came here because some officers saw citizens fleeing this area in a panic,” said Arika and she was looking behind Haruka, at the door she guarded. “Do you know anything about that?”

Whatever inadequate lie Haruka would have told was halted by the sound of a loud crash and men screaming and Haruka flinched, knowing Shizuru was in there finishing the job she was too cowardly to do herself. Arika was moving forward again, saying she had to get in there, she had to see what was going on, she had to help, but Haruka couldn’t let that happen. As pathetic as she was, as useless, she was Shizuru’s protection and she wouldn’t fail her like she failed Yukino. 

The double bladed axe emerged in her hands, the weight comforting and solid, and Haruka raised it level to her chest, keeping her stare even with Arika’s. “I can’t let you do that,” she said brusquely.

“General?” Arika called her that title once more and at last Haruka snapped at the sound of it.

“I’m not a General,” Haruka barely ground the words out, her features forming a dark scowl. “I’m not that person anymore. I can’t be. Too much has happened.” Shifting the axe in her hands, a hard look in her eyes, she continued, “You won’t get past.”

Another crash and the screaming, it was louder, so much louder, and Haruka wondered how many Shizuru had killed. There were only three of them but sometimes Shizuru liked to take her time. Sometimes she liked to play. Haruka grimaced, imagining what was happening to those men and she knew she couldn’t let Arika get past her and see it. The girl was a good fighter, she was ferocious and powerful, but she wasn’t hardened by battle and Haruka didn’t want her to know things like that.

“Don’t do this,” Arika was pleading and Haruka didn’t reply, simply meeting her gaze head on. She couldn’t back down, not about this, it was her only duty, and she had to preserve the trust Shizuru had in her. Arika looked sadder now, as if she might cry, and she was in the air again, her double bladed crystal lance forming in her hands. “I don’t want to fight you,” said Arika in soft and oh so sad tones and it tore at Haruka’s heart, hearing her sound that way. “Please move.”

“There’s nothing in there you need to see,” said Haruka gruff but firm, flying in the air and holding her axe at the ready. “I don’t want to fight you either but I can’t let you go in there. So the only way in that bar is getting past me.”

Just a flash of movement and the shine of that blue crystal lance then Arika was in front of her. Haruka was strong but she wasn’t fast, she never had been. That’s how Shizuru always beat her in school because she would move too fast for Haruka’s blows to hit her. Arika reminded her of Shizuru in a way, with how she moved, flitted about the sky, darting here and there, and there was a familiarity to this battle. The girl was good, very good, but Haruka was holding back. She didn’t want to hurt Arika, to allow herself to fall into that frenzied joy she always got in the middle of a good fight. Whenever she did that she lost control and people got hurt and things got destroyed. Haruka couldn’t do that to Arika and Windbloom.

They ran these missions according to Shizuru’s style. Stealth and secret and that meant keeping their presence as close to invisible as possible. It was bad enough Arika was here in the first place but Haruka fighting her? That made things so much worse. Still, at least there wasn’t any Ultimate Blue Sky robe to deal with. Haruka knew her own limitations and had seen what Arika could do when in that robe and she knew her defeat would have been inevitable in that situation. 

Things weren’t much better without it though. Haruka couldn’t bring herself to use her full strength and that was the only easy way of stopping Arika’s relentless attacks. She decided to hold her position and watch for the girl’s next strike, planning on getting hold of the crystal lance. Once she had Arika’s element in hand, the battle should turn in her favor. But doing this was harder than Haruka could have anticipated and they were soon dueling with Haruka having to use her axe to ward off blows from Arika’s lance. She lunged forward, grabbing at the lance, only to find herself grasping at thin air and she jerked her head up just to see Arika attacking her from above, moving fast enough that Haruka knew she wouldn’t have time to defend.

The hiss of metal slicing through air, almost silent and entirely deadly, a sound that Haruka recognized all too well, and then Arika was crying out as she was wrapped up in the chains of Shizuru’s element. Haruka turned to see Shizuru floating by her side, her expression devoid of emotion as she studied Arika who remained her prisoner. Perhaps sensing Haruka’s attention, she turned to the blonde, tilting her head to one side and offering a smile that chilled Haruka to the bone. 

“Twenty nine are left,” informed Shizuru. “Isn’t that nice?”

“Yeah, it’s real nice,” said Haruka with a touch of nervousness, looking from Shizuru to Arika. So far they hadn’t ever run into former colleagues turned temporary enemies in their hunt and she didn’t want to know what the brunette might do to Arika if she further opposed them. “Shizuru,” she said softly, touching the hand that held onto the element. “Let Arika go.”

No response came from Shizuru, just her rust colored eyes, flat and almost lifeless, moving from Haruka to the captured girl. Considering her like a spider might consider an insect caught in its web. “If Haruka wants,” Shizuru said after several long and tense moments, flicking her wrist and sending her chain snapping back to transform into its normal double bladed shape.

Arika gasped for air, her chest and lungs no doubt constricted from the stranglehold of the chain, and when she lifted her head that expression was on her face again but it was so much worse than before. There was hurt mixed in with the concern and the worry and Haruka wished yet again that the girl had never happened upon them. At a young age, Arika had already experienced too many things she shouldn’t have and tonight it would only get worse and it was their fault.

“Shizuru-oneesama,” Arika managed to say, her blue eyes shining. “Why?” No reply came from Shizuru, she simply stared into the distance, her face a stone mask, and Haruka was relieved to see this for once. The brunette had turned increasingly distant as their mission went on. It seemed the more men she killed the more detached from reality Shizuru became and it worried Haruka but now she was glad for it because she had been honestly afraid at what Shizuru would say in response. Refusing to let this go, Arika flew closer to them, though cautious in her movements as she asked, “What were you doing in there?” 

This time Shizuru appeared to hear Arika and faced the girl. Then that chilling smile formed on Shizuru’s features again. “Ara,” she murmured in her familiar tones that were once charming in their light teasing but now held a sinister undercurrent. “Nothing much. Just disposing of vermin that have infested your local pub.” Arika whispered Shizuru’s name, her eyes wide, and Haruka could see the horror forming as she worked out what Shizuru meant. But this was lost on Shizuru who moved her focus to the blonde. “Haruka,” Shizuru said her name with a lilting affection and it was in these rare instances when she sounded that way that it felt as if she had her friend back again. “We’re leaving. Twenty nine are still left.”

“Right,” said Haruka quietly, nodding her head, dimly aware of the brunette flying in the direction of Florince, where the next names on the list were supposedly hiding. She started to follow only to stop and turn back to Arika who remained frozen, not really looking at anything. Saying the girl’s name, she offered a faint smile when Arika looked up at her. The misery taking hold, enough that was all she could feel in this moment, Haruka said, “Don’t go in there. It’s not something you should see.”

“General,” Arika said this plaintively and to Haruka it was as if the girl was begging her to be who she was when she held that title but that person was gone now. They died with Yukino and they couldn’t return. It was impossible.

“Don’t go in there,” Haruka repeated this adamantly. “Get Cardinal to do it but not you, Arika. I don’t want you to see.” Shizuru called for her and Haruka jerked her head up, looking at her friend who wore an expectant expression that seemed to hold a tiny trace of anxiety and Haruka wondered if Shizuru thought she wouldn’t follow. She could never do that though. How could she leave the one person who understood the hell that she was in because of Yukino’s death? It wasn’t an option. “I’m coming.”

As she flew away, Arika was crying out her former title, but Haruka couldn’t look back. She couldn’t look back and see that lost and hurt expression she knew would be on Arika’s face. The one that told of the disappointment and confusion over what had become of the Otome she once looked up to. It was an expression that would demand explanation and Haruka didn’t have any to offer, just her own feelings of despair and hopelessness, and the belief that this mission was all she had.

Everything else had been devastated and all that remained was a shell.

—-

It used to be that Haruka never feared change. She embraced it because change was at the very heart of the Aries democracy. Without change new ideas never emerged and civilizations grew stagnant. That’s what Yukino always told her anyway. Haruka just knew that it brought about things that were usually for the better and Haruka liked that. But now change signified her loss of Yukino and Haruka was wary. Even so, she marveled at the change in the Aswad’s surroundings. 

They were a cursed people, the unforgiving tribe, exiled to a harsh and seemingly intolerable desert. Now they lived in their ancient homeland, the Black Valley, which was lush and fertile. Despite this, their old ways stayed with them, their instinct was still to isolate and protect their own, and this was evident in the large barrier surrounding their compound. 

But the barrier couldn’t take away the beauty of the valley and whenever they returned to the Aswad, Haruka would lose herself in it. Walking through the woods, sitting by the lake, finding a measure of peace in these moments. She was at one of her favorite spots, a high cliff just above the large lake that was on the eastern edge of the compound. Staring down at the water, watching the waves lap onto the shore, Haruka was entranced, her mind gratefully empty of thought.

“Haruka,” Midori said her name and the blonde looked up at the redhead who moved to sit next to her. It was strange. Besides Shizuru, only Midori remembered not to call Haruka by her former title. Such a small thing but Haruka appreciated it more than she could say. Because it was too painful to hear people call her General. Reminding her of the woman she used to be, the woman that was gone forever. “Shizuru just told me you will be leaving tomorrow. Journeying to Verviers.”

Staring at the lake again, Haruka nodded and she hoped that would be the end of it. Midori didn’t talk much but when she did it was always blunt and to the point, sparing no feelings, and letting you know exactly how she felt. Usually this was a quality that Haruka quite liked but today she didn’t have the strength for it. She wanted to be left in her illusion of peace. Imagining the world to be a less monstrous place than what she currently knew. Midori was surely about to end that.

“The list is almost completed,” said Midori and Haruka frowned, her hands clenching into fists. She didn’t want to think about that. It had been an odd little game she’d been playing. Trying to stall their mission, to keep them going longer, because she didn’t know what would happen when they were through and Shizuru had killed them all. To be honest, she feared that change, feared discovering what her friend would transform into and she wanted to avoid it but she couldn’t. It was getting too close. “She will shatter once it’s finished. Perhaps the very instant she kills the last of them. You know this, don’t you?”

“I’ve been trying to slow her down,” admitted Haruka in a mutter. A bitter smile twisted on her lips as she added, “I failed.” She released her hands, flexing her fingers over her thighs, staring at her pants, dirty from so much travel. “I won’t let her come back here, not unless she’s right in her head. Don’t worry about that.”

“You surprise me,” Midori remarked after a moment and Haruka turned to the other woman, surprised to see a genuine smile on her face. “You’re a soft person, it’s true, but you have a resolve most don’t. It’s been eight months since I gave her that list and I think for every minute that passes she loses a little more of her sanity. Anyone else would have abandoned her.” 

“Shizuru’s my friend,” said Haruka resolutely, a frown forming. “It’s not her fault she’s this way. Shizuru…” Haruka trailed off, her violet eyes growing dark as she thought of the other woman and her love for Natsuki. “She’s not good with people. Maybe she can charm them, seduce them, impress them, but I never got the feeling she liked them much. It was different with Natsuki. The kid changed her. Made her care about what another person thought, made her finally show somebody who she was.” Looking over at Midori, she said solemnly, “How is she supposed to act when the person who did all that is murdered? I wouldn’t be sane.” Turning her attention to the lake, her hands moving back into clenched fists, Haruka snorted, “I know I’m not.”

“Your President,” said Midori after a long moment. “What would she think of this? She wouldn’t approve, would she?”

“No,” Haruka said in a growl, quickly losing her patience. “She wouldn’t. But Yukino’s dead and I’m left behind.” 

She often thought about the debates she and Yukino would have. The differences in opinions they would talk through and always come to some mutual resolution. Yukino wouldn’t want her helping Shizuru right now. Yukino would be begging Haruka to stop Shizuru, to find some peaceful method to capture the members of Fidelus Altus, and bring them before a jury of their peers. Haruka knew when this was over she would have to pay for her crimes, stand before The Council, those world leaders who had been Yukino’s colleagues for twelve years and explain her actions. She had no idea what she would say just like she had no idea how she could ever explain to Yukino how she could do all this. How she could allow herself to sink this low.

“Revenge has consumed your friend,” Midori murmured, rising to her feet, her hands resting on her hips. She looked down at Haruka with an unrelenting expression. “She’s on the brink of madness and killing the last of them will push her over. I can’t have her return to the Aswad after you finish this. Not unless she’s gained some semblance of control. I won’t risk my people’s safety.”

“I know,” Haruka nodded, holding Midori’s gaze as she gave her agreement. Seeing that Aswad’s Leader was satisfied, she looked into the distance and said, “Shizuru needs to be stopped.”

There was silence as Midori studied Haruka then she questioned, “Will you be the one to do it?”

Stopping Shizuru, was such a thing possible? Just thinking of it seemed like a ridiculous prospect. Haruka had lost countless times to Shizuru when the other woman was in control, her abilities held in check, and to try now when she lost all her restraint? It seemed an insurmountable task, to say the least. Shizuru was a force of nature in battle, brutal and merciless, you couldn’t reason with her and you couldn’t escape. Even though she was her friend, Haruka was certain that if she was to get in her way and impeded her revenge, Shizuru would strike her down and there wasn't much she could do about it. But she always tried. That was who she was. Haruka never backed down, she never gave up, she tried and tried again until she finally succeeded but in this battle Haruka didn’t think there would be a second chance. If she did this it could very well mean the end of them both. 

“I’m going to try,” said Haruka simply.

—-

Verviers was a small but rich country that was in the volatile landscape between Artai and Cardair. The tiny nation was protected by a high mountain range which surrounded their borders entirely and created a natural barrier against their enemies. No doubt those mountains and their large population of nobles were reasons why the last remaining leaders of Fidelus Altus were hiding there. Just five of them. That was the end of their list and thinking of it, Shizuru felt stranger than usual. 

She had felt separate since this all began. It was like her heart and mind were stolen from her body the instant that Natsuki died and Shizuru was too angry to search for them. Her true self had gone missing and Shizuru didn’t care to look for it, not when she had her mission to complete. She had to kill the men who murdered her Natsuki. That was all she had to keep her going and it was what she focused on. Nothing else mattered except achieving that goal. 

Shizuru had grown used to that strange feeling of disconnection that had slid into her daily life. Usually it was only when she was in battle that it would happen the most. The red veil falling before her eyes and her inability to see anything but the kill only now it was slowly moving into her daily existence. It was as if she was looking down on herself and she couldn’t really see those around her. Even Haruka. Sometimes the blonde would speak to her, call her name, and by the time she finally noticed several minutes would sometimes pass. Often Haruka’s hands were on her shoulders, as if she had been shaking her. This was surely a sign of her deteriorating mental health but there was little she could do to stop it. A fog had begun to cover her mind and she only could see things clearly when she was killing those men. 

It gave her a purpose, a reason to go on, and soon it would be over. 

That wasn’t something she could think about. She couldn’t let herself. If she did Shizuru was sure that she would go crazier than she already was. The mission, that was the only thing in her mind, it was what held her together and she kept it there as she felt that clarity and awful stillness fall over her as she crashed through the door of a small cottage. The people were screaming and she could hear Haruka sending the citizens away but she didn’t care about them. Where were the five? 

Crashing and cutting through the rooms, overturning furniture until she found a small metal door hidden underneath a bed. Standing to one side, she pulled the handle and formed a twisted smile as a rain of gunfire came from below. She had found them. Hiding like roaches in the dank and the dark. The first ten returned to her mind and she recalled how Haruka killed the last of them. Her smile growing wider, she floated off the floor. Her element shifted in her hands, from the double blades to the chain, ripping and slicing through the heavy wooden boards and sending them crashing down onto their heads.

There were screams, lovely screams of pain, and they were cursing at her. Shizuru enjoyed it when they cursed. Sometimes they called her the monster that she was, declaring her a demon, and Shizuru felt like one. Certainly these skills she had didn’t come from heaven, they were from somewhere far more sinister and hell seemed a fitting place. 

Blood and broken bones, one of them had a broken neck, and Shizuru frowned. She had wanted to kill them all personally. His death was still hers to claim but it wasn’t the same, it was indirect and Shizuru rather liked their ending to be an intimate moment. She enjoyed seeing the fear in their eyes as she took their last breath, delighting in their anguish and terror. It was happening now as she approached the first of them and he screamed as her chain flew out, wrapping around his neck, squeezing tighter and tighter until not a breath could be taken in.

“Shhh,” Shizuru whispered, touching his cheek with her fingertips and watching him slowly die. The shift of his skin color fascinated her, it had a bluish purple tinge and he was grasping at her, fingers digging into her skin and she just pulled tighter until he went slack in her arms. It was in that moment the remaining three jumped on her in some futile attempt at survival. “It won’t help you,” she noted and there was a mocking sorrow in her voice as her chain transformed into the double blades.

Whirling around, she gutted the one on her left, removing her naginata to immediately slice completely through the one in front of her. His body falling in parts to the floor, he reminded Shizuru of building blocks she had used as a child, and it made her laugh to think of this. The very last one, he was screaming in fear, and Shizuru really didn’t want to hear that now. It wasn’t musical to her anymore, it was an annoyance, and she flicked her wrist, transforming her element once again into the metal chain, ripping through his body. When she was done there were just pieces, nothing left that could tell you he was once a man, and Shizuru didn’t feel anything. There was no happiness, there was no relief, not even that small satisfaction she often had before.

This couldn’t be it. She couldn’t be done. No matter what Midori’s list said, this couldn’t be all of them. There had to be more. They were too big, they had existed too long, Haruka told her that. Aries had been dealing with the likes of Fidelus Altus since the formation of their country over two hundred years ago. What about those people that Haruka had run out of here? They were hiding the leadership so of course they were members. People who belonged to the terrorist group who murdered her Natsuki deserved to be punished for her death. They all deserved to die, not just the leaders, but every last person who aided Fidelus Altus in their mission. There were thousands of them left and Shizuru felt that awful clarity seize her again.

Her element in hand, Shizuru flew up through the broken cellar, knowing what she had to do, and intent on her mission. She left that cottage and saw the people in the distance and flew after them, ignoring Haruka’s calls. They hid them, they helped them, they were part of their group, and they had to die, every single one of them. They had to die for her Natsuki and Shizuru couldn’t rest until it was done. She still had something to keep her going now, she still had her focus, and though she had fallen into the final stages of madness there was a terrible joy seizing her to have that once again. 

The chain was cutting through the air, about to capture the woman lagging in the back, and Shizuru only absently noted that she had a child in front of her. So they were recruiting the young. Her target was in her sights but there was a flash of yellow and Haruka was there, grimacing as she held onto the chain, her hands bloody as it cut through her robe. 

“Shizuru!” Haruka was screaming her name and Shizuru had never heard her sound like this. It was almost like those men she killed and distantly she thought it wasn’t right, hearing Haruka sound that way. “They’re innocent! You’ve got to stop this.” 

“They hid them,” replied Shizuru in chilly tones, watching as they escaped into the woods, a dark expression forming. “They aided our enemies and they become our enemies, Haruka. They’re part of the reason my Natsuki died.” 

“No, Shizuru,” Haruka shook her head and she had that stubborn look Shizuru was so familiar with from their time at Garderobe. “You know that’s not true. You’re grasping at slaw.” 

“Straws,” Shizuru corrected with an edge of menace, retracting her chain and changing her element into the double blades. She kept it level to her chest and watched as Haruka summoned her double bladed axe. That voice she sometimes heard, the soft echo in her mind that sounded so much like her precious Natsuki, it was growing louder now. Telling her not to do this, that Haruka was her friend, the one person who stood by her side through so much pain. But there was something else in her head, not a voice but an overwhelming feeling, an uncontrollable urge, and it was pressing her forward, telling her to kill those people, saying their deaths would somehow help ease the ache of losing Natsuki. It hurt too much, being without her, being alone, and Shizuru would do anything to end it. Even fighting her only friend. “Move, Haruka,” Shizuru ordered.

“No,” Haruka refused obstinately and Shizuru could see the fear in her eyes.

Despite what many thought of the former General, Shizuru knew she was more intelligent than what they realized. Haruka was distinctly aware of her own limitations and failures as a fighter and she had lost against Shizuru enough to know there was little chance in victory. Shizuru wondered why she was doing this then and in that moment, she hated her friend for forcing her hand, for making her do this, and raising her naginata in preparation for battle, Shizuru tried to shake off that fog.

The spark and clash of metal, blows exchanged, and Haruka was doing well. She always did well in the beginning and then Shizuru would find her weakness and end the battle. Shizuru was trying desperately to focus now, to keep that fog from falling, to prevent the red veil of rage from descending. If that happened, if she lost control, she didn’t know what would happen to Haruka. Why was Haruka doing this? Didn’t she know? Didn’t she see? Shizuru had slaughtered hundreds in these past months and the blonde had been there, she had witnessed what she could do, the brutality she possessed in her revenge. Why was Haruka fighting her now when Shizuru didn’t know if she could control the monster from killing again?

Continuing her mission, this was the only thing she could do for her Natsuki. Everything had been for Natsuki, she was the reason Shizuru existed, but she was gone and all Shizuru could do was kill those who killed her. Haruka was trying to take that away. The only reason she had to keep going, the only thing that gave her a focus, and Shizuru could feel that veil falling and she tried to fight it, to remind herself who was in front of her but soon the only thing she saw was someone in her way.

Was it the scream of agony? The scent of blood? Or the warm feel of Haruka’s hands on her face? Shizuru didn’t know but that fog lifted just in time to watch her friend falling from the sky, body bloody and broken, and Shizuru shouted Haruka’s name, flying after her, catching her an instant before she hit the ground. Her robe was shattered and her element gone and the blonde was unconscious, passed out from the extent of her injuries. The injuries that Shizuru had given her. Shizuru looked at the mangled form of the woman who stood by her side all these months and all the rage drained away and she was herself again.

Panic stricken, Shizuru treated Haruka’s injuries the best she could, attempting to stave off the blood loss by tying tourniquets. Gathering Haruka in her arms, she flew faster than she ever had before. The wind biting her face and chilling her skin as she flew towards the Aswad. She hadn’t used her GEM to contact Garderobe since they had started their mission but she used it now, calling Youko Helene, begging her to come to the Black Valley and help Haruka. In the background she could hear Sara, demanding to know what happened, what she did, but Shizuru cut off communication and focused on her flight.

Every few minutes she would check Haruka’s condition, make sure she was still breathing, and tighten the makeshift tourniquets made from torn cloth. Haruka was pale, so pale and cold and Shizuru knew if Haruka died because of her the sanity that had just returned would quickly leave and it wouldn’t matter what Natsuki would have wanted. She would kill herself.

—-

Youko tried to make Shizuru leave while she treated Haruka’s wounds. Said she needed room to work, that Shizuru would be in the way, and for a moment that red veil of rage fell over Shizuru’s eyes again and she replied that she wasn’t going anywhere. It was enough to get the doctor to concede and Shizuru stayed where she was, her fingernails digging into the palms of her skin, hands white from the pressure of how tight she had them clenched as she watched Youko work.

If she killed Haruka, if Haruka died because of her, Shizuru would die with her, there was no question in her mind. And if she survived, if she lived, Shizuru would do anything to make up for what she had done on this day. How she could do that, she had no idea but she would try her best. It was the least she could do for the only person who stayed with her during the worst of her madness, when she had been falling over the edge into permanent insanity.

The nanomachines sped up the healing process, made Otome more than human, harder to harm and faster to recover but Haruka hadn’t been taking care of herself. Her attention had been on Shizuru. Making sure she ate, she slept, her injuries were healed, and in the process Haruka ignored her own failing health. She was paying the price for that now and Shizuru knew this was her fault as well. All she could see was those men and finishing the list, killing every last one of them, getting vengeance for her Natsuki but what good did that do? Revenge wouldn’t bring Natsuki back and now Haruka might die because of her.

Finally Youko walked away from Haruka, she looked exhausted but relieved, and Shizuru watched nervously as she approached. The doctor frowned at Shizuru and she wondered what the other woman saw when she looked at her. A monster? A murderer? Something awful, Shizuru was certain. She knew that from the disapproving light in her eyes.

“The General has severe injuries,” said Youko succinctly. “She would’ve died from the blood loss alone if I hadn’t gotten here in time.” Youko had a steely look on her features and folded her arms over her chest. “What happened to her?”

I attacked her? I almost killed her? The words were on the tip of Shizuru’s tongue but they never came. Just the quiet creak of the door opening and Sara standing there, her expression grim and unforgiving. “You did it, didn’t you?” Sara accused.

Part of Shizuru wondered how Sara had known it was all right to come in. That Youko was finished and Haruka was safe. Then she realized Sara probably didn’t care. She just wanted to see Haruka, to be near her, to watch over her the same as Shizuru. The younger Otome was clearly fond of Haruka, harboring a crush that had always been obvious to Shizuru.

“Yes,” said Shizuru and she dug her fingernails in deeper, trying to concentrate on the pain. Absurdly, she almost said she didn’t mean to, that it had been an accident, but it wasn’t any of these things. She chose to attack Haruka because she was in the way of her revenge and Haruka paid the price for that. Shizuru couldn’t excuse that or explain it away just like she couldn’t do that for the men she killed. She would have to accept their deaths were on her head, just like Haruka’s injuries were. “I did.”

“Haruka-onee…” Sara abruptly stopped and shook her head. Shizuru watched the younger woman rub at her eyes furiously, getting rid of her tears, before staring at Shizuru with a steadfast gaze. “Haruka doesn’t hurt easily. We all know she can take more punishment than most Otome and her robe was shattered from your battle. That means you fought with all your skill.”

“Does Sara have a question?” asked Shizuru and she knew she should be meek, she should be humble, especially after what she had done to the one person who cared for her, who understood her, but she couldn’t. Besides, Sara wasn’t that person. She was an outsider, someone who knew only a glimpse of the relationship she had with Haruka. Sara would never understand.

“Why did you do it?” asked Sara in curt tones. “Why attack the woman who stood by your side all this time?”

The fingernails were digging into her flesh, harder than before, blood pricking at her fingertips and Shizuru stared at Haruka lying on that bed. Even after the transfusions she was a pale and sickly color. It looked unnatural on Haruka who was normally the height of health, her skin an even brown tan at all times. Haruka was strong, so very strong, but she had reduced her to this and she wished she could recall the battle but those moments were a haze. Like some awful dream she couldn’t reach, nipping at the edges of her mind. She suspected that the blonde tried to subdue her rather than truly do battle. That explained her condition.

“I wanted revenge for my Natsuki and she got in my way,” Shizuru finally said in whisper, shame lacing her every word.

Midori entered the room, inquiring on Haruka’s health, and Youko went to speak with her. Shizuru and Sara were left alone and the brunette turned from the other Column, walking to Haruka’s bed and sitting at the edge. There were so many bandages. They covered her arms, legs, abdomen, and head. The former General looked like something akin to a mummy and Shizuru wondered how long it would be until she fully recovered. She suspected it wouldn’t be anytime soon. 

“Arika told us about that night in Windbloom,” said Sara after several moments of silence. She stood at the top of the bed, her eyes fixed on Haruka’s pale features. Her hand moved down, gently sweeping across the portion of her forehead that wasn’t bandaged, pushing the hair from Haruka’s eyes. “Haruka was fighting her for you. To keep her out of that bar while you murdered those people. You know she wouldn’t have done things like that before. It’s not who she is.” 

“Haruka has been pulled down to my level,” said Shizuru impassively, speaking aloud the thought she carried for so many months. Sara scowled at her and Shizuru turned to Sara, her expression blank. “It means little but I never intended to hurt her.”

Sara’s reply was silenced by a soft groan and both their heads turned in a flash, focusing on Haruka who was muttering in her sleep. Violet eyes fluttered but didn’t open and they hovered over the blonde who groaned and rasped Shizuru’s name. Her right arm, which was in a cast, shifted in an imperceptible movement and Shizuru stilled it, softly holding her exposed fingers and squeezing them gently in reassurance. Haruka shifted again, releasing a low mutter, inquiring in her restless slumber about Shizuru’s safety. The brunette swallowed hard, leaning down to whisper in Haruka’s ear she was there, she was safe, and the former General stilled after several moments, relaxing as Shizuru slowly moved away. 

If she could cry, she would be doing that now. Shizuru knew this. She wanted to cry for Haruka. Who in her injured state only thought of her and Shizuru wondered what she had done to merit this concern. The tears would come later. When she was alone with Haruka, when she couldn’t feel the rage coming from Sara in waves.

“You’re safe but what about her?” questioned Sara harshly and Shizuru raised her head, studying her evenly. “I’m not making this a secret. I don’t approve of what you’ve been doing. Maybe those men were criminals, terrorists, but that didn’t give you the right to slaughter them like animals. It should’ve been handled by the courts, not your renegade sense of justice, and on top of it all you got Haruka involved only to leave her like this.” Rust colored eyes narrowed and Sara sighed, pushing at her spiky blonde hair as she muttered, “But I can understand why you did it, the both of you.”

“I never forced Haruka to join me,” said Shizuru in warning tones. 

“I know you didn’t,” said Sara, sounding exasperated, almost like she wished that wasn’t the truth. “I’m saying that if you hadn’t started this she would’ve never gone along. That she’s different than she used to be when she’s with you. Both of you are.” Sara paused to look at Shizuru with sad blue eyes and murmured, “I think together you just feed each other’s misery. You don’t make things better, you make them worse. I’d say your trail of bodies is proof enough of that, wouldn’t you?”

“You want me to leave her,” Shizuru stated, her voice flat, and she felt her heart wither at the thought. Leave Haruka, leave the only person who understood, who knew what she went through losing Natsuki. If she did that she would truly be alone because there was no one else she felt connected to. Doing that would set her emotionally adrift.

“As long as she’s with you she’ll keep trying to protect you and she’ll keep getting hurt,” said Sara quietly but there was a vehemence that told Shizuru she believed everything she was saying. “I know you care for her so you can’t want that.” There was a pause and Sara continued, “You both need time apart to break out of this cycle. To deal with the world on your own.”

“They’re going to put us on trial, aren’t they?” Shizuru remarked, apparently ignoring Sara’s plea as she returned her gaze to Haruka. “The Council, that is.”

“Yes,” said Sara and there was regret in her voice and Shizuru wondered if she thought they would sentence her to death. The thought was a strange relief. At least death would put her at peace and Shizuru rather thought she deserved it after everything she had done. “Garderobe will provide you with a barrister—”

“I’ll find one on my own,” Shizuru interrupted, looking up at Sara and smiling as she removed the GEM from her ear. Sara stared at her with disbelief and shock and Shizuru reached for her hand, pressing the GEM into her palm as she rose to her feet. “Take care of Haruka for me.”

Walking away from Haruka was almost physically painful. Everything in her was screaming to turn back around but Sara was right. Her selfishness and insanity had nearly killed the other woman. She was toxic and Shizuru refused to poison the one living person she felt anything for. Even though she had no idea how she would maintain her sanity without Haruka. 

Sara called her name and Shizuru stopped, looking at the 1st Column who held up the Bewitching Smile Amethyst GEM wearing a serious expression. Whatever she was going to say couldn’t be argued with, Shizuru sensed this. “I’m just keeping this safe until you return,” Sara said with determination.

Resuming her walk, leaving Haruka alone with Sara, with the person who would care for her now, Shizuru wondered what was left for her to return to. Natsuki was dead and her revenge was complete, the last of them were gone, and she was going to be placed on trial, possibly sentenced to death. Haruka couldn’t remain with her and be safe, Shizuru knew this, and that meant she was alone. No one to understand her suffering and aimless in her existence.

She was a living ghost, drifting through this world, and nothing could touch her.


	4. Chapter 4

For three weeks Youko kept Haruka in a medically induced coma to heal her most life threatening injuries. By the time she woke the trial was over and Shizuru was gone. Where she went no one could tell her. Just that if it wasn’t for the appearance of Yukino’s former roommate at Windbloom University, Rin Lake, who was a licensed barrister in Windbloom, Shizuru would have gone without any defense at the trial. Rin insisted on representing both Haruka and Shizuru and did a thorough job of it, bringing witness after witness and endless documentation and evidence of Fidelus Altus’ crimes throughout Earl. Showing the members of The Council the death and destruction they had wrought over a hundred year period.

Rin’s stalwart defense on top of the growing public support for the elimination of the notorious terrorist leaders brought the trial to a quick end. The Council settled on two options of punishment, one was to turn over their GEMs and retire as Otome, the other was to have their powers restricted and to be on house arrest, unable to leave the grounds of Garderobe for a year. Unbeknownst to Haruka, her friend had already given the Bewitching Smile Amethyst GEM to Sara. 

The moment the trial was over, Shizuru disappeared. Nao tried to follow her at first but Shizuru escaped her observation as she traveled to the distant borders of Zipang. Going into far east countries that were desolate and beyond Garderobe’s influence. They couldn’t tell Haruka where she was or why she left but Haruka had her suspicions. She knew all too well from their months together how Shizuru took the blame onto herself. Haruka was hardly immune to that habit herself, they both shared it when it came to Yukino and Natsuki’s deaths. But it was different with Shizuru. There was something darker attached to her feelings, a tangible self-loathing that Haruka could see turning inwardly violent, leading the brunette to punish herself. 

Haruka was grateful to Natsuki for having Shizuru promise not to kill herself. Shizuru spoke of it often in her sleep deprived state, cursing her inability to commit suicide because Natsuki had asked her not to, how she made her promise, and Haruka often thought it was only that promise keeping Shizuru alive. She hoped it would remain that way wherever her friend had gone. The irrational part of her wanted to chase after Shizuru, make sure she was all right, but she couldn’t. Her injuries were still too fresh, her left leg and right arm in a cast, and Haruka had a sinking feeling Shizuru had disappeared because of her.

Because Shizuru blamed herself for Haruka’s injuries, because she no longer felt she should be around Haruka, that she was too dangerous or some other jackass idea the brunette had gotten into her head. Haruka hobbled down the walk of Garderobe, towards her favorite hill that lurked in the shadow of trees, moving slowly on her crutches. She hated being like this. It showed her ineptitude, her weakness, and she hated that Shizuru felt she had to run from her in order to protect her. 

They were supposed to help each other but Shizuru was gone and with her absence Haruka lost focus. All her life she had a driving force behind her existence. When she was a child it was living up to her parents expectations, then came her ambition to become an Otome, and after meeting Yukino the desire to share a life with her, to be with her always. When Yukino was killed Haruka lost her drive until she saw Shizuru falling to pieces, going through the same pain as her, but handling it so much worse. Shizuru was her reason for getting up in the morning, to take care of her, to support her, and now Shizuru had left and Haruka didn’t know what she should do. Part of her considered retiring, giving up her GEM and looking for the other woman. It wasn’t as if she would be much good to Garderobe like this. Youko said she had another four months before she’d be fully healed and after that she wouldn’t even be able to leave the school grounds due to her sentence.

Sitting on the hill and dropping the crutches on the ground next to her, Haruka stared at the sun hanging low in the sky. Unbidden, Haruka’s eyes fell to her ring that glinted in the sunlight, barely visible past the edge of her cast. A year had passed since Yukino was taken from her. It didn’t feel like that much time had gone by, the pain was so fresh that it felt as if it happened yesterday, but she knew that was the truth of the matter. Would Yukino still love her? Haruka thought about that sometimes. Yukino was the kindest person that Haruka had ever known but she had always possessed a very clear idea of what was right and wrong. Her actions with Shizuru certainly fell into the category of wrong. She wondered if Yukino could forgive her for all the things she had done during those long months with Shizuru. 

Her actions went against everything that Yukino believed in, everything they stood for when they were united as the President and the Continental Orb Topaz of Aries. Morals were important to Yukino. In her more sardonic moments she would say that was the only thing she really had as a politician and if she was to lose them she’d lose herself. Haruka was well aware she had abandoned her own morals in pursuit of those men. 

She had never done anything like that before, not even under former President Kenzo Xavier's command, whose wife had died in an attack by Fidelus Altus. Even in the midst of his frantic assault against the terrorist groups who constantly attacked their country, she never aided in plans to murder their leaders. Ones to flush them out, to capture them, to bring them to trial, but never outright murder. He had never ordered her to do anything remotely close but Yukino still disapproved of his actions.

And what she had done with Shizuru, Haruka thought that even Xavier wouldn't have completely approved. That was why she knew Yukino would be disgusted with her.

Haruka had once found solace in the idea of seeing her wife when she died, being reunited with her in the afterlife, but now she almost feared it because of everything she had done. She found herself doubting that Yukino would greet her with a smiling face and a loving touch because she had betrayed all that Yukino stood for. Because she had helped horrible crimes to be carried out in Yukino’s name and she didn’t think that was something that Yukino could forgive.

Running her finger over the surface of her wedding ring, Haruka traced its engraving. She heard the sound of leaves underfoot and looked up to see Sara standing by her side. There were a handful of people that always made Haruka want to smile when she saw them and Sara was among them. Ever since she met the younger blonde at Garderobe she’d felt attached to her. Maybe it was Sara’s intelligence and eagerness or her bright smile but mostly Haruka thought it was because she gave a feeling similar to the one Haruka had when she was with Yukino. It wasn’t the same, they didn’t have that trust, that love, that loyalty, between them but there was something about Sara that reminded Haruka of Yukino and it only served to make her that much dearer to the older Otome. Now it was a melancholy thing to realize. Being with Sara was like experiencing a shadow of Yukino, close but never quite good enough, and it hurt as much as it provided relief.

“Welcome back,” Haruka murmured, squinting up at the younger woman who was bathed in the sunlight. As the 1st Column matters of diplomacy were Sara’s responsibility and as such she was often away. “How was your trip to the whistle lands?”

“Western lands,” corrected Sara with a lilting and humorous affection, sitting next to Haruka on the hill.

Although this was the norm, something Sara often did for her, Haruka flinched because that habit of correcting her verbal follies was such a part of her daily life with Yukino. She didn’t know why she felt strangely sick when Sara did it because Shizuru had corrected her many times during their months together but Shizuru… she could never be confused with Yukino. Their differences were as vast as night and day but Sara had so much in common with Yukino. Having her do such things was almost as if some part of Yukino had returned to her in that moment. 

“The trip was successful. King d’Florince VIII has always been among the most reasonable monarchs,” said Sara absently. They lapsed into silence, watching the setting sun, until Haruka felt Sara’s gaze piercing her. She tried to ignore it but found she didn’t have the ability and she slowly turned her attention to the other Otome. “Haruka,” Sara said her name solemnly. “Have you made a decision about which sentence from The Council you’re going to accept?”

Her left hand seemed to move of its own volition, gently pushing up the wire rimmed glasses that slid down Sara’s nose. It was an automatic and natural gesture that Haruka couldn’t seem to control. Ignoring Sara’s question, she voiced one of her own, one that had lingered in the back of her mind ever since she regained consciousness. “Why don’t you call me oneesama anymore?” asked Haruka bluntly, her eyes steady as they met Sara’s, maintaining their connection even as Sara blushed dark red. 

“It doesn’t seem right,” Sara muttered, breaking her gaze away from Haruka’s. The blush grew stronger as she stared at the ground, picking at the grass nervously. “We’re both Columns now, colleagues, and I just thought…”

Sara lifted her head and in that moment, in the darkness that was settling in, she reminded Haruka so much of Yukino. There was an aching vulnerability in her expression and it tugged at Haruka’s heart. They were so much alike that it almost hurt but it wasn’t something Haruka would wish different because in this second it was almost like having Yukino with her again. Reaching out with her good hand, she tucked an unruly lock of hair behind Sara’s ear. Her hair and eyes, they were too light compared to Yukino’s, but they were so very close and Haruka was captivated by the similarities.

“It’s fine,” said Haruka, her voice thick with emotion. Her fingertips spread out to caress Sara’s cheek and a wisp of a smile formed on her features. “We’ve been equals for a long time. It’s good you finally figured that out.” 

The other Column blushed again and it was there again, that echo of Yukino, and it soothed Haruka, relaxing her in its familiarity and she found her hand falling down, entwining her fingers with Sara’s. Turning to look into the forest, aware they would have to go inside before it became too dark, Haruka thought it was strange to hear Sara say her name without the oneesama attached. Maybe it was the way it was said, with a barely contained excitement and anxiety. Almost as if Sara couldn’t quite believe she was addressing Haruka that way and it made the blonde wonder why that was. It wasn’t as if saying her name was any sort of major event but it appeared to be that way for Sara. Her gaze drifted back to her companion who was looking into the distance, unaware of Haruka’s attention, and she recalled what Shizuru often said about her. 

That Sara had feelings for her, that Sara wanted to be with her, that Sara desired her. Haruka denied the possibility for years, accounting Sara’s behavior to the simple crush that all underclassmen have for their sempai but now she wondered if Shizuru was right. In the past the idea would have caused her to panic because she never wanted anyone to entertain ideas that would even suggest taking her from Yukino’s side. Her life was with Yukino and her love belonged to her alone but now Yukino was dead and Haruka didn’t know how to go on without her. The purpose she always had since she was a child disappeared with Yukino’s passing and Haruka didn’t have any clue how to regain it. 

“What should I do?” Haruka said this without even realizing it and Sara looked to her, startled by the doubt lacing her words. “Ever since I was little being an Otome was all I wanted but I don’t know anymore… what I did, it’s not something an Otome would do. And Yukino would hate me for it. I know she would.”

“Haruka,” Sara said her name in a hush, looking at her with wide and sympathetic eyes.

“I don’t deserve to be a Column,” said Haruka harshly, her self-disgust evident. She tugged her good hand away from Sara’s and clenched it into a fist, resting it on her thigh as she stared into the forest. “I’m a disgrace.”

“No,” said Sara fiercely and her fingers pressed into the skin of Haruka’s jaw, turning her head until their eyes met. She had that tenacious expression that she had worn so many times in the past and it almost made Haruka smile to see it again. For some odd reason she had always found it charming on Sara’s features. “Maybe what you did, they weren’t the actions of a Column, but you are one, Haruka, and you deserve to be one. Fumi-sama chose you for a reason, don’t forget that.”

“She made a mistake,” Haruka retorted, jerking her face away from Sara’s touch, disturbed by the comfort it provided.

“The Founder doesn’t make mistakes,” said Sara with a frown. Haruka snorted in response and Sara studied the older woman, considering how she should respond. This was a new side to Haruka, one that she had never encountered before, and as much as it saddened her to see Haruka this way it provided a strange thrill. Discovering something new about the person she had always cared for but kept a proprietary distance from for so many years. “If you really think what you did is so horrible then why not do something to make up for it? Focus on that instead of feeling sorry for yourself.”

Sara had seen Haruka angry countless times throughout the years, the older Otome had never been someone to repress her emotions, but Sara had never seen her look like this before. “My wife is dead,” the words seemed to be ripped from Haruka more than said and her features were consumed by grief. “She was murdered and I couldn’t save her. I should’ve saved her. I always saved her before but I failed and she’s dead. The only woman I’ve ever loved is gone. I was with her for twenty years and you think I’m feeling sorry for myself?” Haruka moved forward suddenly, her good hand reaching out to Sara like a claw but she stopped suddenly, clenching it into a fist and pounding it onto the ground in between them. “You don’t know anything!”

“Then explain it to me,” said Sara quietly. 

It was silent except for Haruka’s harsh breathing and the sound of leaves blowing in the wind. Haruka stared at the ground, laughing again, broken in her despair, and muttered, “I’m not smart enough to understand it.”

“You’re doing it again,” Sara accused lightly and Haruka chuckled, shaking her head, her fingers digging into the ground and Sara sighed, watching her. Reaching for Haruka’s hand, she rose to her feet and tugged gently on it. “Come on,” she murmured. “We should go inside. I’ll make you dinner.”

“Sara Gallagher,” Haruka said her name like she used to, a calming verbal caress that caused Sara to blush at the sound. She lifted her head, looking up with an expression that seemed to plead for an answer. “What should I do?”

Surrendering to temptation, Sara touched Haruka’s cheek, marveling at how soft her skin was. Haruka seemed almost invulnerable in battle in some strange way. How she could take so much damage, withstand so many injuries, and get right back up and return to the fight. The fact she had survived Shizuru’s attack on her was nothing short of miraculous and Sara wasn’t sure any other Otome could have done it. Because of those battles she almost expected Haruka to be hard to the touch, rough somehow, like some physical representation of the tolerance she built up over the years. Instead her skin was smooth and warm and Sara felt herself grow hot as the contact continued. 

Shaking her head, trying to get her wits about her, Sara met Haruka’s eyes and murmured, “I can’t tell you that.” It was so strange, having this conversation with Haruka Armitage who was once the portrait of self-assurance, forever confident of her path in life. To question others about it, to ask them what she should do, it wasn’t like Haruka in the least and only served to increase Sara’s worry for her. “I will say that we need help here at Garderobe. Miss Maria has her hands full as the interim Principal and Yukariko is working overtime since she had to take over all of her classes.”

“Fighting Tactics and Close Quarters Combat,” said Haruka, a thoughtful look emerging on her features. 

“You were Miss Maria’s favorite student, weren’t you?” Sara said in recollection. 

“Ask her,” Haruka mumbled, slightly embarrassed but allowing Sara to help her to her feet, watching as the younger woman reached for her crutches. Taking them from Sara and settling them under her arms, she gingerly moved onto the walkway. Haruka mulled over everything that had been said and she knew Sara was right. She was feeling sorry for herself but she couldn’t seem to help it. Yukino’s death absorbed her during every second of the day and she wondered if it had been this bad when she with Shizuru, completing their mission. Probably not, because she had something to focus on. Maybe if she remained a Column, taught Miss Maria’s classes, and immersed herself in training to aid in her recovery it could provide a temporary escape from the misery of Yukino’s death if only for a few hours a day. “I’ll teach them,” said Haruka firmly.

“Good,” said Sara with a subdued happiness. She was afraid to show too much joy at this decision, unsure how Haruka would react. But a smile still formed on her features as they made their way into building where the staff living quarters were located. Pulling open the door for Haruka who grunted in thanks, her smile grew a little bit wider. Following after Haruka, letting it bang shut, Sara wasn’t aware of the bounce in her step as she moved to the other Column’s side. “What do you want to eat?”

Their conversation was so every day, so inane, as they made their way to Haruka’s newly assigned quarters that Sara could almost forget how much had changed. That this was the same woman she had looked up to as a Coral in Garderobe but seeing the dark circles under Haruka’s eyes and the subtle tightness in her jaw, she knew that wasn’t the truth. The Haruka from then couldn’t return, too much had happened, but someone happier, more stable, would be eventually emerging if Sara had anything to say about it. Someone who, hopefully, might learn to let go of her wife’s death and move on with her life. That was someone Sara was more than willing to wait for. Even if a small voice in her head told her she was a fool for doing so.

—-

Quang Bihn was a small but heavily populated country. It was called the crossroads to the east because of the train line that traveled through the entire length of the nation. A significant portion of its citizens lived in poverty and country’s economy relied almost entirely on those traveling through its borders. Shizuru had been here many times throughout her years as a Column and she knew it would be the perfect place to disappear from Nao’s persistent tracking. Travelers were a dime a dozen in Quang Bihn and its people had developed a certain apathy which kept them at a permanent disinterest. They wouldn’t give her a second glance and they wouldn’t ask questions. She could lose herself in the crowd and no one would be the wiser.

She had been here for just a week when she found herself at the Ve Dem brothel. Prostitution was legal in Quang Bihn and was an unfortunate source of money for most of its women. Shizuru was familiar with this brothel, having noticed it in her travels through the country. She had teased Natsuki about going inside it during a trip they took together. In her mind’s eye she could still see Natsuki’s blush and hear her stammer. While prostitution was illegal in Windbloom, there was still a certain sexual freedom there that was lacking in Natsuki's homeland. And so Shizuru always enjoyed teasing her lover about such matters, like visiting a brothel. She couldn't help herself, Natsuki was always so adorable when embarrassed. Drawn by this memory and wanting some sort of companionship, Shizuru finally went inside.

Soon she was spending more time in the brothel than the room she was renting. The food and drink that came with her time at the brothel weren’t cheap but it wasn’t like Shizuru came from a poor family. She had more than enough money and being there, being with these women, helped to drown out the sorrow of Natsuki’s death. It also helped that she was keeping herself in a state of near constant intoxication. When her mind was blurry, unable to focus, she couldn’t see the wreckage of that car, and imagine her Natsuki burning inside of it. When she was drunk the loss didn’t hurt as much and she could forget how alone she was in the world. It was a slow death she was putting herself through, Shizuru knew that, but what did she have to live for?

Shizuru was well aware she was favored by the brothel workers. Women customers were a rare commodity, particularly wealthy ones who tipped well and liked to give as well as receive pleasure. She heard them speak about her in whispers when they thought her passed out from the alcohol. Wondering where she came from, how she came upon so much money, and remarking with barely contained sly intent of her beauty and skill in bed. Her proud nature found a small bit of pleasure in this and the way the women scrambled when she arrived, instantly full of smiles and charms as they invited her to share their beds. Shizuru knew it had little to do with her but instead what she represented but it hardly mattered. When she was with these women she wasn’t alone and when she had sex with them the physical pleasure distracted from her emotional pain.

In those moments, absorbed in their touch, smell, and taste, her mind foggy from alcohol Shizuru briefly knew what it was to be happy again. But the feeling would always fade and she would recognize how hollow it all was. It wasn’t true happiness, just an illusion, a trick of her body trying to fool her mind. In the end she would always return to the reality that was Natsuki’s death and the fact that no matter how beautiful and sexually talented any of these women were no one made her feel like Natsuki. No one could touch her the way that Natsuki did and when she did recall this, she was numb from the desolation it wrought. 

There was a girl at the brothel, barely nineteen, who reminded Shizuru desperately of Natsuki. Her hair was the same shade, just cut shorter, and her eyes were just as bright and determined except they were blue instead of green. There had more in common than they shared in differences and most of all there was an atmosphere about her that was so like Natsuki. She had a stubbornness to her and a quiet but caring nature though she tried to act as hardened as her colleagues. 

Rebecca. 

Whenever Shizuru arrived at the brothel she made sure Madame Tien, its proprietor, knew Rebecca was the one worker she couldn’t be placed with. Just the idea of being with her was too horrible, too tempting, the alcohol already addled her mind, allowing her to forget her misery and if she was with Rebecca and she was drunk enough she might be able to pretend it was her Natsuki. That she never died, that she was with her again, only to wake up sober enough in the morning to know otherwise. The pain of just imagining such a thing was enough to keep Shizuru far from the girl. 

While she managed to stay away from the girl at the brothel, Shizuru couldn't ignore the scene before her. In the crowded market place near Ve Dem, she saw Rebecca in the midst of an argument with a man she recognized as one of the girl's regulars. His fingers were wrapped around her arm and he was dragging her through the crowd as she struggled against his grip. There were some onlookers, mostly travelers to the region, but the citizens turned a blind eye to the incident. Shizuru watched Rebecca struggle against him, scratching at his arms, watched as he turned and struck her, sending her toppling to the ground. Watched her cry out with a face so much like Natsuki’s and suddenly Shizuru couldn’t watch any longer. Striding through the market place, she grabbed a broom from a nearby shopkeeper.

Those eyes, blue not green, looked at her with disbelief and Shizuru knew why this was. Sometimes Rebecca would come to talk to whoever she was with for the night when they thought she was passed out. She’d speculate why Shizuru never asked for her, wondering if she’d insulted her somehow, wishing for a client she considered to be as nice as the brunette woman. It created a guilt in her, hearing Rebecca say these things, but Shizuru couldn’t risk it, being with this girl, letting herself forget, letting herself imagine Natsuki was with her again only to lose her all over again. It would destroy her, she knew that. But all the same she couldn’t let this go on, allow this girl who looked like her Natsuki to be abused right before her eyes. 

The man’s hands were on her again, holding her far too tight when Shizuru tapped him on the shoulder. He looked at her with irritation and anger, demanding what she wanted and Shizuru shifted the broom in her hand, noting that the brothel wasn’t that far away. Close enough that Rebecca could easily run to safety once she had taken care of him. It was late in the afternoon and Shizuru had just woken up, she hadn’t really begun drinking yet, just one glass so far, enough to take away the pounding in her head and remove the slight shake in her hands. Enough to make her slightly foggy but still retain most of her reflexes.

“Release her,” Shizuru said, her voice silky, but the underlined threat was all too evident. 

“Or what?” the man demanded with derision and just for good measure, he yanked Rebecca to her feet, squeezing her arm tightly and causing the girl to release a whimper of pain. 

“Or I hurt you,” murmured Shizuru and all he could do was release a snort of laughter before she spun the broom in her hand, turning it so the handle was facing him. Then with a hard and fast strike to his stomach he was on his knees, releasing his hold on Rebecca. Keeping her eyes on him, she told the girl, “Return to the brothel.”

Whether the girl left right away, Shizuru didn’t know, she was focused on the man who was trying to get to his feet but she hit him again, a controlled blow to his face that managed to crack his jaw. He screamed and cursed at her, attempting to rise but she continued her attack until he was crumpled on the ground in a fetal position and the broom was snapped in half from her efforts. When it was over the normally hectic market place was eerily silent and Shizuru stared at the man, lying in a pool of his own blood but still alive and breathing. She wondered if it was the alcohol that kept her in a fog which prevented her from seeing red. Or maybe it was the fact she didn’t attack him for Natsuki and that was why the veil of rage never fell over her eyes.

Regarding the broken broom, Shizuru sighed and returned to the shopkeeper, digging through her pockets to present him with several coins. “To replace it,” she murmured, handing over the broom. The one sided battle ended and the witnesses reluctant to discuss the details heralded police arrival onto the scene. They made half hearted attempts to discover what occurred and Shizuru ignored them, continuing to the brothel where she was met by the figure of Madame Tien.

“That was a thing of beauty, my dear,” Madame Tien drawled, her elegant cigarette holder resting in between the tips of her fingers. She was standing in the grand entrance to the brothel and Shizuru noted the figure of Rebecca huddled amongst the other workers. “Hoang has been troublesome lately. Thinks he has rights to my girls because he pays for an hour or two of their time. It was good of you to show him otherwise. I did enjoy how fitting it was to rid Rebecca of that garbage using a broom.” 

“Does it earn me a lower rate?” Shizuru inquired, not really wanting or needing one, but despising the sense that this woman might think she was a decent person now. Someone to believe in and rely on, someone that she could never be again.

“I’ll give you free drinks for the day,” countered Madame Tien, ashing her cigarette and arching an eyebrow. “Which is far too generous of me considering how much you can drink, Shizuru-san.”

Rolling her eyes at this, Shizuru shifted her stance and looked into the brothel, trying to decide who she wanted to share her temporary bastion of free alcohol with. As she did this, she noted the Madame watching her and with feigned boredom Shizuru turned to the older woman and asked, “Is there something else?”

“I have an unfortunate number of customers who are like Hoang,” Madam Tien began smoothly. “They often treat my girls far more roughly than I would like and try to rob me of my money and goods. I do have Feng to help with some of these incidents but as our chef it isn’t his area of expertise. You, however, seem to have a natural talent, shall we say?”

“And?” Shizuru prompted, her eyes narrowing.

“And I wonder if you would consider working for me,” said Madame Tien, taking a drag of her cigarette. “Protect my girls from men like Hoang. I could offer you a decent wage along with free room and board and regular meals. However,” Madame Tien had a droll tone to her voice and a knowing look in her gaze. “Your drinking is too regular for it to come free. The same as your visits to my girls. If I were to give those away to someone with your appetites it would reduce my profits greatly.”

Her first instinct was to refuse but as her gaze drifted over the brothel workers it landed on Rebecca, looking at her with eyes shining with gratitude, and it was so close to her Natsuki that Shizuru felt a flicker of joy in her heart. She couldn’t ever be with Rebecca like she was the others but being near her was a very appealing prospect. The room she rented was nearly always empty as she spent almost all her time at the brothel anyway so living there would be more convenient. And perhaps this would provide a distraction, something besides the alcohol to keep her mind from drifting to the reality of Natsuki’s death. 

Shifting her attention to Madame Tien who watched her with expectant and lidded eyes, Shizuru stated, “I want a discount.”

“Fifteen percent off drink and ten for the girls but I expect you to tip them as generously as in the past,” said Madame Tien firmly, her kimono sweeping as she turned and walked into her establishment. “Welcome to our family, Shizuru-san,” she seemed to purr the words, looking over her shoulder, a slow smile spreading on her features. “We’re glad to have you.”

Dipping her head in response, Shizuru thought absently that she would need to purchase a weapon for this new job. Chuckling as the workers swarmed her, hanging on her arms and kissing her in thanks, she contemplated getting Madame Tien to buy one for her. It was a work related expense, after all. 

—-

Two weeks had gone by since she took the job as protector of Madame Tien’s brothel and in that time she had fallen into a comfortable routine. She slept the morning and early afternoon away, patrolled the brothel in the late afternoon and evening, taking a break only to share her dinner with whatever brothel workers were free. Long into the night was when she retired to her room where she would spend an hour cleaning her jian, a local type of sword which had been provided by Madame Tien for her work. Her bed was shared with one or sometimes two of the brother workers, whomever was eager to spend time with her.

As long as they weren’t Rebecca, that is. No matter how much the girl flirted with her, hinted at her desire, Shizuru rebuffed her advances and had even gone so far as to get her fellow workers to let her know she wasn’t interested. Sitting in the doorway of her small balcony that overlooked the city, Shizuru lay the sword on her lap. Lightly tapping powder onto the blade, she began to gently rub rice paper in a horizontal path down the jian. Cleaning the weapon was an oddly relaxing process that left Shizuru’s mind gratefully free of thought. Especially when she was on her second glass of blue fire. It was a favorite drink of hers. Blue Fire was a distilled beverage named for its color and the burning sensation it left on a person’s tongue upon consumption. Whenever she had it Shizuru felt a fog fall over her mind that much quicker.

The powder removed, Shizuru was reaching for a small bottle of oil when the door to her small room slid open. Looking up, Shizuru’s lips curled into a smile on seeing Lydia’s curvaceous figure. “I thought you said you wouldn’t have time for me,” she said in a playful accusation, leaning back against the wall and applying a few drops of oil onto a clean sheet of rice paper. “My heart nearly shattered from sadness when you said such a thing. I do so cherish our time together.”

Chuckling in response, Lydia sat next to Shizuru, resting her head on her shoulder and watching as the brunette spread the oil evenly over the surface of the sword. “Pretending with me is a waste, Shizuru-san,” Lydia said, toying with Shizuru’s kimono and pulling it away from her neck, her breath hot on Shizuru’s skin. “None of us are special to you.”

“That isn’t true,” Shizuru murmured, keeping her eyes focused on her jian, concentrating on finishing the cleaning ritual. “If anything I would say that I love all of you the same. Which means all of you are special to me. I do protect you, don’t I?” 

“That’s your job,” pointed out Lydia, taking the sword from Shizuru and sliding it into the scabbard. Turning to the brunette who regarded her with a lidded gaze, Lydia smiled and hiked up her dress, settling herself onto Shizuru’s lap. Wrapping her arms around Shizuru’s neck, she leaned forward, putting their lips just a breath apart. “Rebecca’s the only one you’ve ever saved when you weren’t being paid to which I think makes her a little more special than the rest of us.”

Instead of replying, Shizuru pulled Lydia forward in a smooth movement, their breasts pressing together as she seized the other woman’s lips in a rough kiss. When they parted several minutes later, Lydia chuckled again and questioned Shizuru on the amount of drinks she had consumed. “Two blue fires,” Shizuru said carelessly, reaching for her glass and pouring more of the liquid in so she could begin her third. “Hardly anything out of the ordinary.”

“Maybe for you,” Lydia said with dry humor, untying Shizuru’s obi in an easy and practiced gesture. “I notice you’re ignoring my remark about Rebecca being special. I’m not the only one who thinks it, you know. Even Rebecca does. Although she’s not too happy about it because apparently being special means not getting to share your bed.”

“She makes a good enough wage without my money lining her pockets,” Shizuru responded sardonically, taking a long drink of the blue fire and relishing the burn in her throat. Though the feeling was far from pleasant she strangely enjoyed it because she could use it to track her state of inebriation. The less it burned the foggier she became and the easier it was to forget losing her Natsuki. Allowing herself to be swept up in the momentary pleasure of another woman’s embrace instead of comparing them to her deceased lover only to find them always lacking. “What does she have to complain about?”

“Now, now,” Lydia chastised, pushing open the kimono and smiling at what it revealed, her hands sliding over Shizuru’s hips and up her sides. “You shouldn’t play dumb, it’s so unlike you. I’m sure you know what that poor girl wants.”

“And why should I entertain her infatuation?” questioned Shizuru in glib tones, watching with veiled interest as Lydia’s hands moved over her breasts and toyed with her nipples. The alcohol had created a hint of that separation she enjoyed, where her mind was distant from her body, and her thoughts because addled and blurred but it wasn’t enough that she couldn’t relish the caress of another woman. Especially when they were as skilled as Lydia. “She’s a girl. I prefer women.”

Smirking at this, Lydia slid upwards, kissing Shizuru hard. Out of all the women she had slept with in the brothel, Shizuru thought Lydia was the best at kissing. Perhaps it was because she enjoyed it so much but hardly ever did it. The workers almost never kissed their clients and Shizuru had known from the start she was an exception. She never asked why she was but she imagined it was the same reason they liked to flirt with her and babied her from time to time. Treating her like she was something far less dangerous than what she was. They saw something sad and sympathetic in her rather than the monster in hiding.

There were moments when Shizuru hated this deception. No matter what society thought of these women, the lack of value placed on their lives, they were good people and they deserved a better protector than her. Someone who wasn’t twisted, someone who didn’t leave destruction in her wake. She considered leaving. Wondered why she had accepted the job from Madame Tien. Why she was letting these women try and get close to her. They never would though, she couldn’t let that happen, not after what she did to Haruka. She was the only person Shizuru let close enough to see the monster within, a monster not even Natsuki had fully witnessed because just being with Natsuki controlled it, kept it at some sort of peace. Shizuru let Haruka see it though. She didn't hide anything from Haruka because Haruka understood and that intimacy almost killed her.

She almost killed her.

Lydia’s hands were hot on her skin, pushing the kimono off her shoulders and maneuvering her onto the futon. It was different, allowing herself to be led along but it happened often since she arrived at this brothel. Whenever she was with her Natsuki she was swept up in her desire, consumed by it and by the need to possess Natsuki. While she found all the workers at the brothel very attractive she didn’t have the same feelings for them. Their touch wasn’t something she yearned for, instead it was an undeserved comfort, a pleasant distraction, and it gave her a few rare moments of solace. That was why she let the women she was with determine the pace of their encounters, let them deem what they were comfortable with, instead of citing her demands.

Certainly this was a large reason why she quickly became a favorite at the brothel. That and her habit of leaving sizeable tips. The kimono slid off her body, a whisper of rustling fabric, and Lydia was naked now, lowering her body so skin met skin and her head dipped down, kissing Shizuru’s breasts in gesture that was almost reverent. Just the top of Lydia’s head, that was all that Shizuru could see of her, and her hair was dark blonde… almost brown… lighter than Natsuki’s but darker than Haruka’s. 

This was good, this touch, this sensation, this wet suck of those lips around her nipples, but it wasn’t her Natsuki and something in Shizuru wondered would it be like if it was Haruka. Would she touch her like Natsuki? No, that wasn’t right. No one could do that. Not even Haruka who understood and accepted her, mad and selfish as she was. Haruka would touch her as only Haruka could. She imagined it would be similar to how she was in battle, painfully open and eager, her smile burning bright like the sun. 

It was far too tempting, imagining such things, and Shizuru forced herself to focus on the present, watching as Lydia slid down her body, nudging her thighs apart with expertise. This was all she could have, this temporary respite, nothing permanent, nothing that brought a real and true happiness like she had with her Natsuki. There was just the here and the now, the fleeting joy of her orgasm sweeping over her, drawn out by the talent of Lydia’s tongue and fingers.

Before she was with Natsuki she didn’t know sex could be special, could be more than pleasure, could be something that involved emotions and your mind far more than your body. Those days were gone though. What she had with these women it was only her body, her mind was somewhere else entirely, and her heart was with her Natsuki always. Shizuru didn’t think she would ever feel a love like that again. 

Now it was over and she was back where she started. Her heart buried away, those things Natsuki taught her, all those emotions she experienced in their time together were locked up, safe where they couldn’t torment her and Shizuru was left to these hollow comforts. Drowning herself in the embrace of these women who she could never love and could never love her but they could make her body feel good and they could make her mind forget and that was enough to numb her heart.

—-

Rage was something that Shizuru understood all too well. She was certain she reflected it when she beat these men. The ones who took pleasure in the pain of others and thought the acceptable place to take this belief was to a brothel. Shizuru thought it was true, more or less, with other brothels, other owners, but Madame Tien had an strange protectiveness over those who worked for her. Such as abiding to their preferences in gender and sexual proclivities and sometimes even looks. 

Madame Tien hired her to protect them from men like the one standing before her, gripping a bronze statue that Shizuru knew he had plans to assault her with. Assault her like he had tried to do with Beth but Shizuru had taught them well. Beth had used those lessons Shizuru gave them in the late afternoon to fend him off as she screamed for help. Now here they were, Shizuru facing the man whose rage she understood, who flew at her with that statue, trying to bash her head in. 

The jian hung loosely at her side, tied onto her obi, and Shizuru removed the sword from her belt, scabbard and all. Sidestepping the man’s attack, she slid the jian from the scabbard and extended her foot. This caused him to fall face forward and she took the opportunity to hit him hard in the back of the neck with her heavy wooden scabbard. He fell unconscious to the floor with a loud thud and Shizuru stared at him impassively, sliding her sword back into the scabbard which she noted was chipped from the blow with his head. More workers gathered at the door and she instructed them to get Feng to dump him outside the property where the thieves would most likely pick him over. 

Walking from the room, Shizuru couldn’t help but smile as she heard Beth cursing at him and the sound of several solid kicks. When she was eating a very late dinner the redhead came to thank her, noting it had been a few weeks since she spent the night with Shizuru. As she watched her walk away, an alluring swing to her hips Shizuru wondered why anyone would want to hurt someone that beautiful. Shizuru didn’t know why but she understood that look in his eyes, that one of absolute fury and madness, beyond hope and reason. It was one she had worn for countless months as she killed those men. 

The rest of her shift passed without event, perhaps those who would have caused trouble were scared by her defeat of the man which had been so quick and easy that to Shizuru it was akin to swatting a fly. Sitting on her balcony, she drank her third glass of blue fire slowly, knowing if she drank too much she would become absorbed in the memories of her Natsuki but if she didn’t have enough her mind would be clear enough to focus on the pain of her loss, and the guilt of her actions. Shizuru had become an expert when it came to her own inebriation, how drunk she could be and still do her job, protecting these women, but still be unable to think completely clearly, enough that she couldn’t contemplate the misery of a life without Natsuki.

If Beth didn’t come to her room soon she would have to stop drinking. Four blue fires were as far as she could go before she would become melancholy and begin to imagine Natsuki was with her again, hear whispers of her in her mind. Shizuru’s eyes fell to her scabbard lying in her lap, taking a slow drink of the blue fire. A small frown tugged at her lips as she ran her fingers over the chipped wood. She wasn’t sure why it bothered her, this cheap scabbard being damaged, but it did and it made her want to bash the man who had caused the damage on the head with it again. 

Maybe it was the drink or her irrational anger about the scabbard being damaged but Shizuru never heard the door to her room slide open and didn’t notice Rebecca’s presence until she was hovering at her side, looking at the scabbard. “Did he break it?” her voice was in Shizuru’s ear, low and husky. It lacked Natsuki’s depth and timbre but it was agonizingly close all the same.

“His head was rather hard, I’m afraid,” Shizuru murmured, sliding the jian into its scabbard and placing it to one side. Turning to face Rebecca, she reached for her glass of alcohol, feeling comforted by having it in hand. “It chipped the wood.”

“You do that a lot, don’t you, Shizuru-san?” said Rebecca and there was a teasing fondness in her words and Shizuru tried to ignore it along with the sparkle in the girl’s eyes that sometimes made the blue look much closer to green. “When you saved me from Hoang you snapped Eikichi’s broom right in half.” 

“Madame Tien didn’t purchase a blunt sword for my use here,” said Shizuru slowly, taking a drink and relishing the burn in her throat. “If I didn’t use my scabbard in a few instances I would have killed someone.”

“Shizuru-san!” Rebecca exclaimed and she could hear the shock, feel it in the fingers clinging to her sleeve. Shizuru turned to the girl at her side, who looked at her like she was something much better than what she really was. There were some at the brothel who could see her true self. Feng and Madame Tien were the most obvious but a handful of the workers had always been wary of her and Shizuru wondered if they could see she was a monster or they just sensed it. Either way she was glad some of them had that ability and hoped it kept the others from trying to get too close. Rebecca didn’t seem to pay attention to their warnings though. Not since Shizuru had saved her that day. “You can’t mean that. You wouldn’t kill anyone.”

“I’ve killed many people,” said Shizuru, looking the girl steadily in the eyes, making sure she could see the truth of the matter. “I know Rebecca thinks me to be a hero but I’m hardly that. If anything, I’m a murderer who has been set free.”

“Why did you kill them?” asked Rebecca in a whisper.

She hoped what she said would scare the girl off but Shizuru should have known better. The reason Rebecca was so tempting, so dangerous, were those similarities she had to her Natsuki in both looks and personality. There was a stubbornness to her and when she wanted something, she didn’t give up but dug her heels in, just like Natsuki would have done. Tapping at the edge of the glass, keeping her eyes fixed on the liquid inside, Shizuru murmured, “For revenge. They took my most precious person and so I murdered them.” Lifting her head, Shizuru stared at Rebecca and continued, “I’m not someone to admire. The sooner you learn this, the better. I would advise listening to the other girls, they aren’t trying to lead you astray with their warnings.”

“You know what they say about you?” Rebecca said and she looking strangely admonished to discover this.

“Everything they say is true,” said Shizuru, her gaze returned to the blue fire as she took another drink. There was a quiet rustle and her door slid open again, revealing Beth’s lithe figure. She lifted an eyebrow in silent inquiry and Shizuru shook her head.

“Another day then,” said Beth with a knowing chuckle, slipping back out the door and closing it behind her.

Quickly looking from Shizuru to the closed door and back, Rebecca frowned severely and demanded, “Why did you send her away? Whatever you wanted to do with her I could have joined in. I know there are days when you’ve had more than one—”

“Not with Rebecca, I’ve said this before,” said Shizuru firmly, rising to her feet and closing the door to her balcony. Her glass of blue fire was almost gone and since Beth wouldn’t be sharing her bed thanks to Rebecca’s presence she was preparing for a normal night of sleep. “And I will keep saying it until Rebecca understands I will not be with her in that way.”

“But why? I want to! It isn’t like I prefer men like some of the girls,” said Rebecca plaintively and Shizuru didn’t dare look at her. She was sure the girl was pouting in a seductive manner which would almost be enough to weaken her resolve. Almost but not quite.

The words were on the tip of her tongue. Ones that were harsh and cruel, ones that would make Rebecca see her for what she truly was instead of whatever fantasy the girl had created of her. She could say that just because someone desired her didn’t mean she felt that same desire in return. Imply that Rebecca was too much a child for her to be interested, dismiss her looks as something Shizuru didn’t favor, there were endless things she could say to make the girl hate her. They ran through her head now in a whirlwind and she contemplated saying them but in the end she pushed open her small closet and retrieved a book she had been keeping there for the past week. Turning to face Rebecca with a soft smile and handing it to her.

“A present for Rebecca,” Shizuru answered the question she knew the girl was about to ask. “I suspect this was the book your mother read to you. The one whose protagonist inspired your working name. It’s quite famous in Laudenbach.”

“That’s where he’s from,” said Rebecca quietly, looking at the book in amazement. “Otto Gerste. I’ve always wanted to visit Laudenbach and see all the things he wrote about. The country must be beautiful from the way he describes it.” Lifting up her head suddenly, she questioned, “Where did you get this from? I’ve looked for it ever since mother died, I could never find it.”

“There are a great many people who owe me favors,” said Shizuru and she drank the last of her blue fire. Keeping her back to the girl, she set the glass on the small makeshift bar she created, going to remove her blanket from the closet. “Rebecca should read it to the others. They do love their stories. I’m sure they would appreciate hearing a brand new one.”

“Shizuru-san,” Rebecca said her name reluctantly and Shizuru knew she wanted to stay but Shizuru had to make her go. There was only so much contact she could stand with this girl before the temptation got too strong and she didn’t trust herself anymore. It was all too evident from what happened with Haruka that she wasn’t capable of restraining the monster within and she didn’t want to risk it coming out with this girl who looked so much like her Natsuki. There was a soft and alluring press of full breasts against her back, then a fleeting kiss to her cheek, and that husky voice in her ear saying, “Thank you.”

Then she was alone at last and when she heard the door shut, Shizuru collapsed on the floor, the blanket pooling around her. Head falling low, her hands squeezed into fists, gripping the material tight enough it was ripping under her strength, she told herself again and again that wasn’t her Natsuki. That was Rebecca, that was a poor substitute, that was a girl who still had a measure of innocence left, that was a person who just looked and sounded like the woman she loved.

It wasn’t real. It never would be.

——

Seventeen years ago on this day, Natsuki told Shizuru she loved her for the very first time. Shizuru would always remember it, how she blushed and stammered, then lifted her head and got that stubborn look on her features, determined as she said it, not wanting Shizuru to doubt her. How could she though? She saw it in her Natsuki’s eyes and felt it in her touch. Shizuru had known for a very long time that Natsuki loved her but it was still special, hearing her say it. 

This was their anniversary, the only day that Shizuru wanted to celebrate and until a year ago they always would. Taking romantic trips, going out for dinner and dancing, spending a day at the beach, each year they did something to commemorate Natsuki saying those words. Now Natsuki was dead and Shizuru was alone, no longer happy, no longer loved. 

She had always been very careful to monitor how much she drank. Painfully aware of what could happen when she lost control but Shizuru couldn’t be sober, not even the littlest bit, not on this day. It hurt too much to have that tiny piece of her mind that had an ability to think coherently. Shizuru wanted it all wiped away, for the alcohol to obliterate the memories of those times.

Madame Tien had known better than to argue when Shizuru stated she was taking the day off and no one was to disturb her. Instead she nodded her head and went to warn her girls that their charming but volatile bodyguard wouldn’t be requesting any of their time this evening. Alone in her room with her bottles of alcohol, Shizuru drank the day away until it turned into night and she tried not to think about Natsuki and all the things they had done before, the ways they would celebrate. She tried but she couldn’t seem to help herself so she drank more, she drank herself into oblivion until she was passed out on her futon.

While most of the girls at the brothel were wise enough to obey Madame Tien’s instructions, Rebecca wasn’t. Ever since Shizuru had saved her from Hoang the brunette had become an obsession of sorts. When she was a customer, Shizuru had been kind but not at all picky. Her only requirement was that the worker had to be open to being with another woman. She didn’t have any sort of preference for hair color, body shape, breast size, or height. Any girl that was willing to share her bed was satisfactory but despite Rebecca fulfilling that one simple request, Shizuru didn’t want her. Rebecca had even overheard her specifically tell the Madame that she would be with anyone but her. The whims of the clientele had never been something that Rebecca cared about or ever took personally before. You had to distance yourself, create a wall of sorts, between yourself and them. That was the only way you could stay sane doing this kind of work but hearing Shizuru say that hurt somehow. 

Perhaps it was because of how the other girls would talk about Shizuru. Gushing about her charming nature and talent in bed, happy about her willingness to reciprocate pleasure and her always generous tips. Rebecca had never thought those who visited their brothel and treated them nicely were good people. They were just people. Maybe ones who were a bit kinder but she didn’t see that as making them better than anyone else. Things like that never moved her but hearing Shizuru speak of her to Madame Tien and hearing the other workers praise her, Rebecca found herself more and more interested in the woman.

That day in the market Rebecca thought Hoang might kill her. She knew it was possible. It wasn’t like anyone in the market place would stand up for a prostitute. They would watch him kill her and maybe, if she was lucky, they would tell the police when they arrived too late to do anything. Then Shizuru appeared out of nowhere, her eyes blazing and her expression fierce, and she had gotten rid of Hoang so easily, like he was nothing more than an insect to be squashed.

Why did she do it? The question echoed in her mind but Rebecca didn’t have an answer. She was sure from hearing Shizuru speak to the Madame about her that Shizuru cared for her the least but she still saved her from Hoang. She acted when no one else would and when Rebecca tried to thank her she behaved as if it was nothing. It made no sense to Rebecca and she desperately wanted to understand why, to understand the woman who saved her.

Their clients saw them as something not quite human, a living and breathing object perhaps, but not as another person with emotions and hopes and dreams. They were something they rented for a time, something bought and paid for, and they weren’t to be concerned with when their time was over. That being so, why did Shizuru care? She hadn’t paid for Rebecca, she hadn’t touched her, not even once. The only thing that they had of value, their bodies, was the one thing Shizuru didn’t want from her. What was the reason to save her then?

Warnings would come often from the other workers, sometimes the ones who had spent nights with Shizuru, that despite her beauty, charm, and kindness there was a darkness there. They said it was certainly true what the brunette said, that she had killed people before, murdered out of rage and revenge, they said they could see it in her eyes, feel it in her aura. Rebecca never experienced any such thing but she saw the sadness surrounding Shizuru and it she wanted to help her somehow. 

It was the reason she ignored the instruction to leave Shizuru alone on this day. There was an instinct pushing her forward, telling her of all days this was the one when Shizuru would need her. When she shouldn’t be left to her own devices and so she pushed the door open to the small room, frowning at the stench of alcohol that permeated the air. Shizuru was collapsed on her futon, empty bottles surrounding her and a full glass of blue fire lying close at her side.

Setting down the bowl of water she carried with her, Rebecca kneeled at Shizuru’s side, pushing sweat dampened hair from her eyes and wondering what it was that made the woman punish herself so. She had just placed a small cloth in the cool water, wetting it down and was turning to place it on Shizuru’s forehead when a strong hand gripped her wrist and she turned to see Shizuru staring at her glassy eyes. Rebecca had seen many terrible things in her life but the torment in that rust colored gaze wasn’t anything she had ever experienced before and it was enough to stop her heart for an instant.

“My Natsuki,” Shizuru’s voice was nothing but a rasp and her breath was thick with alcohol. “You’ve returned to me.” Rebecca tried to reply, to say she wasn’t this Natsuki, but she found herself unable as the brunette moved in an entirely sensual manner, reaching for Rebecca with tender hands, and smiling at her so sweetly that Rebecca forgot to breathe. “You remembered our special day like always. I should have known Natsuki would. She treats me with such care, after all.”

“Shizuru-san,” Rebecca said her name in a whisper. Trembling as she was pulled close for an embrace and she knew it was wrong, letting Shizuru hold her like this when she thought she was someone else, but she’d wanted it for so long. 

“It was my fault,” said Shizuru in desolate tones, still holding Rebecca close, a hand moving up to stroke her hair. “I should have protected my Natsuki.” A broken chuckle and Shizuru’s head dropped down, hidden in the curve of her neck, her breath hot on Rebecca’s skin. “I can’t do things well like you can, Shizuru. You said this once, didn’t you? Natsuki told me.” Her head tipped up and those eyes were looking at her with such sorrow that Rebecca was frozen by it. “It isn’t the truth though. Natsuki is better than me in so many ways and she never saw that for herself. She saves people, she saved me, and I bring nothing but pain.”

“What did you do?” asked Rebecca softly, fearing the answer, but thinking somehow Shizuru needed to say it.

“Haruka helped me kill them,” Shizuru murmured, her face tucked back into Rebecca’s neck and her hands clinging to her sides, holding onto the girl for dear life, as if afraid she might disappear at any moment. “She took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself as we hunted the men that killed Natsuki and Yukino.” That hollow and broken laugh again, then Shizuru said, “Natsuki must know for herself how much Yukino despises me for what I did to her. Haruka tried to put an end to my madness and for that I almost killed her. That’s why I had to leave. Sara was right, she would never be safe as long as I was with her.”

Silence hung in the air along with the stench of alcohol then Shizuru touched her face, looking up at her with an expression of utter misery and hopelessness. “Natsuki will never forgive me, will she?” Shizuru questioned. “For murdering those men who took her life away. It’s not the way that Natsuki did things and she’s only here now to say a proper goodbye. Knowing what this day means to me.” Shizuru’s fingers seemed to twitch and she was holding Rebecca’s in a tight grip, her eyes wide and wet with unshed tears as she said, “I’ve done too many monstrous things for Natsuki to love me anymore.”

“No!” Rebecca cried out, shaking her head furiously. She didn’t know who this Natsuki was but she thought anyone who really loved Shizuru would be able to forgive her of even the most heinous deeds. “She does love you, I’m sure of it!”

“Natsuki is too kind,” murmured Shizuru and her eyes were heavy. The alcohol was overtaking her again, slipping her back into a deep sleep. Her words slurred as she continued, “Why must I live without her? It doesn’t seem worthwhile.”

Protests were on the tip of her tongue, reasons why Shizuru should live, why her life had value but Shizuru wouldn’t hear them. She had drifted into unconsciousness, her breath steady and hot on Rebecca’s skin. Holding the brunette in her arms, Rebecca thought she understood a little better what tormented Shizuru but was no closer to knowing how to help.

——

It had been eight months since Shizuru’s disappearance and in that time Haruka had adjusted to her life at Garderobe. Rising early in the morning for training, she taught classes until late in the afternoon, then continued with her training and returned to either her quarters or Sara’s for an early dinner. The schedule sometimes changed, depending if a student needed her help or if Sara was gone on a mission for Garderobe but one day was surprisingly similar to the next. Rather than finding herself driven mad by the monotony as she would’ve in the past Haruka was oddly soothed by it. 

Numerous and terrible changes had occurred recently and it was a relief to have things remain the same. Nevertheless, Shizuru’s absence still tore at Haruka. She cursed her inability to look for the other woman due to her sentence which kept her confined to the academy campus. Nao had tried searching for her but lost Shizuru’s trail shortly after she entered Zipang. The far east region of Earl was uncharted territory for the most part and was difficult to navigate.

That didn’t keep Haruka from inquiring and often demanding for others to search for Shizuru. Giving up on her friend wasn’t an option for Haruka and she knew what Sara said. That she and Shizuru weren’t good for each other, that they only fed their grief when together, but Haruka didn’t care. It had been too long and she missed Shizuru. No matter how kind people were, how understanding, they couldn’t grasp what it was like to lose Yukino. Just Shizuru knew that and Haruka wanted her back.

Sara did help though. Her bright eyes and eager smile, they were different but so close to Yukino’s, close enough that Haruka felt as if some measure of her wife had returned to her and it was a comfort. In the beginning she hated herself for it, she refused to let herself feel that way, thinking she didn’t deserve such a thing but she came to crave it. More than half her life had been spent at Yukino’s side and Haruka didn’t know how to exist without her. Being with Sara, experiencing a shadow of Yukino, let Haruka to feel like herself again, if only by the smallest amount and it was a relief. 

Haruka knew it was awful, that she was using the younger Otome, but she couldn’t seem to stop. Seeing those pieces of Yukino in Sara and finding happiness and solace in them was what gave her focus and kept her going. Haruka was certain that without it she would lose what little of her old self that was returning. Besides, it wasn’t like she was trying to replace Yukino with Sara or seeing them as the same person. She knew they were different, Haruka was painfully aware of that.

An easy example was how Yukino was raised with servants, just like Shizuru, but she was quite adept at cooking after a few lessons from Haruka. While Sara wasn’t nearly so proficient.

Her parents were absorbed by their lives in the military, working long hours, and Haruka had to fend for herself as a child and quickly learned making her meals was a part of that. When they had taken their wilderness exam Haruka was sure that Shizuru made her cook everything as another part of her deception but she later found out Shizuru simply didn’t know how. Haruka had tried to teach her during their chore assignment in the kitchen but it was a disaster and teaching Sara had similar results. Sara was fine with reheating frozen meals and making sandwiches but that was the extent of her culinary skills. Things like that, clear and defined differences that Sara had from Yukino, kept Haruka from ever falling into the dangerous territory of mistaking one woman for the other. It simply wasn’t possible for her to ignore such glaring contrasts.

Tired from a day of teaching and training, Haruka decided to make a simple soup. She sat on the counter stirring the soup, watching Sara set the table in the dining room. The staff quarters weren’t the most luxurious place in Garderobe but it hardly mattered to Haruka. Growing up, she often lived in places slightly bigger than a closet, all of them having to sleep and eat in the same room. Having a roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in, and food in your stomach, were the things her parents said truly mattered. She had that here along with people who cared for her and a woman close enough to Yukino that it was nearly like being with her again on certain days. As far as Haruka was concerned life was good.

It could be so much better though. If Shizuru was here. If Yukino was alive.

But those were things she couldn’t do anything about. Especially the latter and Haruka knew she had to try and move on. Waiting was her plan for now, waiting for a year to pass, when she would be allowed to leave Garderobe. Once that occurred she would search for Shizuru. She couldn’t give up on the other woman. Not when she was the only person who understood how much it hurt, how empty her life had become, how this was all just a farce of normalcy that was eating away at her. Besides, Fumi-sama hadn’t abandoned Shizuru either. The Founder stalwartly maintained Shizuru as the 3rd Column in the materialization system for Garderobe and as long as she did that they couldn’t choose another Otome to replace her. Not that anyone really wanted to. 

“I heard you sent a student crashing into the forest today,” Sara called out in playful accusation. The younger blonde had finished setting the table and was walking into the kitchen, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. “I told you it’s not good to use your full strength against them. They’ll just end up overwhelmed, even if they’re Pearls.”

Snorting in disdain at this, Haruka replied, “And they’ll never get that way in battle? Don’t you think it’s better for them to learn about that kind of feeling when they’re safe at the academy instead of on a mission for their Master?” Observing the soup coming to a slow simmer, Haruka continued, “They freeze up then they’ll die. I’m trying to make it so it only happens with me.”

“Haruka,” Sara murmured her name with some surprise. “You’ve thought about this, haven’t you?”

“Maybe,” muttered Haruka, her cheeks tinged in a blush and she hopped down from the counter to turn off the burner. Reaching for two bowls, she set them down on the counter and began to ladle the hot soup into them. “When I started I just followed Miss Maria’s curriery, you know? But she’s almost too soft. Just has them fight each other. Never her. When we went to Garderobe unless you came up against a much stronger student you didn’t learn what it’s like, facing someone who can crush you in a second. With what we do that can happen a lot. You have to learn to control your fear or you’ll wind up dead.”

“Curriculum,” corrected Sara fondly and Haruka scowled as she handed the younger woman a bowl of soup. Sara grinned, looking over her shoulder as she walked into the dining room and said, “Despite your attacks on the Pearls you’re becoming the most popular teacher on campus. I heard a few Corals gushing over you when I came back from visiting Queen Mashiro earlier.” 

“If it was Vaea and her group it’s because I was helping them with extra credit,” said Haruka, sitting down at the table with Sara. Staring at the soup, she said quietly, “And they don’t like me that much. It’s not how it is with Shizuru. They all loved her.”

Sighing heavily, Sara took a sip of the soup and pondered if she should take the opening Haruka presented her with or lead the conversation elsewhere. Certainly Haruka would allow it. She hated discussing Shizuru with the older blonde, hated the way the other Otome got a guilt ridden look on her features and gave a feeling of quiet longing. It was almost worse than how she was when she started thinking about Yukino’s death. At least that Sara could understand, anyone could see how much Haruka and Yukino loved one another, the devotion that they shared which lasted over half of their lives, but Shizuru…

What Shizuru ever did to merit such love and loyalty from Haruka baffled Sara. She knew they were close, she had been at Garderobe with them, and was well aware of their friends and rivals status that stemmed from their relationship as roommates. But that didn’t explain Haruka’s fixation with Shizuru. Why a day didn’t go by where she wasn’t mentioned in some way and how Haruka would look desperately lonely at just the thought of her. Haruka had so many people here who cared about her, who wanted to see her recover, to regain her old spirit so why did Shizuru matter so much? She was the person who injured her to the point of near death. They both lost someone that day and Sara knew that Haruka felt that just Shizuru could understand how much that hurt but it still didn’t sit right with her. All of her life she had devoted herself to the idea if you worked hard enough, if you were educated enough, and you tried your best you could achieve your goals.

Her goal was to support Haruka, to provide her with companionship and friendship, and to help her move on. Sara devoted herself to this as much as she did her duties as a Column and she thought slowly but surely she was succeeding but there was always Shizuru in the background. Haunting them like a ghost and it was a constant frustration to Haruka’s progress.

“Anh-oneesama agreed to go look for her,” Sara revealed, well aware of Haruka’s request to the older Otome. 

“Really? When?” Haruka’s head whipped up and one question followed the other in a rush. “Where is she going to look?”

“Quang Bihn,” said Sara, a small frown tugging at her lips and her hand gripping her spoon tightly. It shouldn’t upset her, how excited Haruka was to hear news of Shizuru, how happy she became at just the prospect of someone finding her, but it did. Maybe it was just easier to be jealous of the living than the dead. They provided a more substantial target. “Nao lost her on the border of Zipang and Quang Bihn and Anh-oneesama thinks she could be in the capital city. She leaves in three days.” Looking at Haruka’s face that was suddenly so much lighter and shining with hope, Sara hated saying what was next though she knew she had to. “Haruka,” she murmured. “What if she never returns? Shizuru might prefer being by herself. She was a good Otome but she served more for the Principal than herself and now—”

“She’ll come back if I have to drag her here kicking and screaming,” said Haruka obstinately. “I don’t care what she did to me or what she says she wants. It’s not right, leaving her on her own. I know what she’s thinking, how she blames herself and nobody deserves to go through that alone. Especially not when they got friends waiting for them.” 

“All right,” said Sara softly and she resigned herself to the reality that Haruka wouldn’t let this go. She only had a dim hope that the other blonde might give up but she never truly believed it. Haruka never abandoned her friends and that was what she considered Shizuru. Lifting her head, Sara gave her best and brightest smile and declared, “If Anh-oneesama can’t bring her back then I’ll search with you when your punishment is over.”

“Sara,” Haruka’s eyes went wide and a slow smile curved on her features, one that caused Sara’s heart to skip a beat and her cheeks to warm. Seeing that well worth the idea of aiding Shizuru’s return and there was the fact that Sara knew, deep down, it would make Haruka happy. That she would smile like this more often when Shizuru was with them again. “Thank you.” 

“We’ll see how Anh-oneesama does,” said Sara wisely, taking a sip of the soup. “I think she should fair better than Nao. She’s from the east and Shizuru was her heya-gakkari. In some ways she might know Shizuru better than the rest of us.”

——

To a certain extent, Anh Lu was sheltered. She supposed in many ways that was the life of a Princess. Attending Garderobe was her first time stepping foot in another country. As her father’s Otome she rarely left An Nam unless she was on a diplomatic mission guarding him. Becoming the Infinite Wisdom Azurite did open up new worlds to her and she had seen many things over the years that her siblings never would because of her position. But despite all she had seen that sheltered Princess she once was never quite went away. Anh knew that, particularly in moments like this. 

Shizuru Viola had always been different than her. The daughter of a Duke instead of a King, she wasn’t isolated and kept hidden for her own safety, brought out only for special occasions of state. Shizuru was doted on by her father to the degree that she could do whatever she wanted. While Anh had learned the art of charm and guile from life at court it seemed to come naturally to Shizuru and there was a freedom to her that Anh envied. She never feared rejection and simply went after what she wanted. Anh had been pursued in such a way at Garderobe and couldn’t help but want the girl for her heya-gakkari because of it. 

An Nam was an old fashioned nation in many ways, rejecting newer technology, and steeped in tradition. Anh sometimes felt hindered by it in her youth and longed for the modern ways of their neighboring countries. She heard tales of Quang Bihn and their lawlessness and hedonism, legalizing things like gambling and prostitution, which would never happen in her own homeland. The tiny country was a traveling point for the eastern lands of Earl and it was easy to get lost here there were so many people. It didn’t surprise Anh too much that Shizuru would be found here but she didn’t expect to discover her in this place.

Working in a brothel. 

The sheltered days as a Princess in her palace came rushing back to her and Anh felt an immediate distaste and disgust as she walked into the building. Shizuru teased her often, saying she only had morals when she was sober, and maybe that was true, she knew what she became when she drank and she often thought it was because of how she was raised. There were so many rules she had to follow as An Nam royalty, strict etiquette she had to obey, and it was stifling. When she was drunk she let all of that go and her desires were set free at last and it was a dangerous thing to witness.

After a quick conversation with the brothel owner, Anh was relieved to learn Shizuru wasn’t one of the prostitutes but was instead a bodyguard. But still, the idea of Shizuru in this place, with these people, it was such a downfall, such a waste. Anh tried to plan her words as she followed Madame Tien through cramped hallways until they came to a large dining room where several prostitutes sat at a long table. At the end of it was Shizuru, a sword in her lap and a crooked smile on her features as she flirted with several of the women.

“Shizuru-san,” Madame Tien called out. “You have a visitor.”

The clang of pots and pans continued but all conversation stopped as Shizuru looked at Anh. Her rust colored eyes narrowed and her lips curled in something of a mocking smile. “Anh-oneesama,” she drawled. “What brings you to Quang Bihn?”

“We want you to come back,” said Anh tightly, keeping her gaze fixed on Shizuru instead of the workers who looked at them with open curiosity. Anh tried to ignore the girl at Shizuru’s side who held her hand and looked like a pale imitation of Natsuki but found it impossible.

“Ara,” Shizuru clucked her tongue and formed an face of exaggerated sadness. “I’m afraid I can’t. I have a job here.” 

“A job?” repeated Anh incredulously, unable to hide her contempt any longer. “You call this a job? You were once a Column of Garderobe, the most feared Otome among our numbers, and you’ve been reduced to this? A lowly bodyguard in a brothel?”

At this, even the clang of the pots stopped and the workers all stared at Shizuru in shock save for Madame Tien who had a knowing look in her gaze. Shizuru’s eyes narrowed and she rose to her feet, jian in hand as she said, “I think we should continue this conversation in private, Anh-oneesama.” 

Though she moved with her usual elegance, there was a difference to Shizuru. The stench of alcohol was carried with her and once they were alone Anh could see a glaze in her eyes along with an emptiness. This wasn’t the woman she had known and part of Anh wondered if it was foolish to think they would ever see that person again. Shizuru closed the door to her small room then turned to face her, a cold look on her features, and a silent ultimatum in the air.

“What would Natsuki-san think?” Anh demanded, the words bursting from her lips before she could help herself. Natsuki had always been Shizuru’s weak point, the one thing that made her stop and consider, sometimes even hesitate, and Anh hoped by invoking her name she might get Shizuru to rethink her current behavior. “You working here? You bedding prostitutes?” 

“My Natsuki is dead, she cannot think anything,” Shizuru spat out. “Is that all Anh-oneesama came to say?”

“The afternoon has hardly begun and you already reek of alcohol,” Anh continued, disapproving but worried as she neared the other woman. “Shizuru,” she reached out to touch the brunette but found her hand seized.

“If Anh-oneesama only came to lecture me I have better things to do,” said Shizuru, her voice flat.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” asked Anh, searching for some sign of the girl who had followed after her in Garderobe wearing a brilliant smile and playful look on her features. “Natsuki-san wouldn’t have approved.”

“Anh-oneesama shouldn’t act as if sex without love is such a tremendous crime,” Shizuru said smoothly, lifting an eyebrow and releasing Anh’s hand. “It isn’t as if we were ever in love when we were together. I fail to see the difference.”

“You never paid me, nor I you!” Anh exclaimed, her cheeks red, her expression furious. 

“There is that,” Shizuru allowed with a chuckle, moving across the room to pour a glass of alcohol. Hearing Anh’s protest on seeing this, Shizuru went on, “When I drink my mind isn’t as sharp and I can pretend I don’t remember. It’s the one thing that helps me to go on and those women don’t deserve your scorn, Anh-oneesama. When I’m with them I know for a few instants what it is to be happy again.” Shizuru took a long drink and when she was done, she said, “You shouldn’t judge.”

“Haruka asked me to bring you back,” said Anh when the silence got to her. She didn’t know what else to say, how to communicate with the Shizuru who stood before her as a virtual stranger, so she just told the truth. “Begged, actually.”

“Haruka doesn’t beg,” said Shizuru in swift reply, her voice flinty, and her hands gripped the glass hard enough that Anh thought it had a chance of cracking in her hold. “You’re lying.”

“She begged for you,” said Anh candidly and she chanced stepping closer to the other woman who was staring into her glass of alcohol. “She’s long recovered from those injuries you gave her and has taken over teaching Miss Maria’s classes at Garderobe. Shizuru,” Anh said her name softly, touching the brunette’s arm and smiling when Shizuru gazed at her with a lost look on her features. “If you don’t return with me now, she’ll come for you when her sentence is over. She wants you back.”

“Why?” asked Shizuru helplessly. 

There were so many things she wanted to elaborate on. Why would Haruka want her around when Sara was right? When they only fed each other’s misery? When she nearly killed her? When she made her do things she never would have when she was in her right mind? When she was nothing but a burden and a curse to the other woman? Why would Haruka want any of that?

“Haruka needs you,” said Anh simply and she paused to dig through the pockets of her dress. After a few moments she presented Shizuru with the Bewitching Smile Amethyst GEM which sparkled in the dim light of the room and said, “This is yours.”

“What’s wrong with Haruka?” Shizuru questioned in a whisper, her eyes focused on the GEM, and her face shadowed. “Why does she need me? Sara was supposed to take care of her. She promised.”

“Sara isn’t you and Sara can’t be Yukino, no matter how much Haruka wants her to be,” Anh murmured sadly. They didn’t discuss it, the other Otome and the staff at Garderobe, but they all saw it. Witnessed the ways that Haruka tried to see Yukino in Sara and found relief in that and though they were glad to see Haruka’s spirits lifted it worried them all the same. 

Her frown deepened and Shizuru slowly reached for her GEM with trembling hands and placed it in her ear, shuddering at the heat she immediately felt and the power that swept over her body. It was like a homecoming but it filled her with dread. Could she really do this again? Be an Otome? Live up to all those expectations? She didn’t know but she did know that Anh wasn’t lying to her when she said that Haruka needed her. Shizuru could see the truth of it in her eyes and that was the only thing that mattered. She left to keep Haruka safe from her but if Haruka needed her, if she wanted her, then Shizuru had to return. There was no other choice in her mind, not when Haruka was the only person who understood the misery that was losing Natsuki.

When they opened the door to her room, Rebecca was there, tears in her eyes and Shizuru held her close, then gave into temptation for the first and final time, pulling the girl in for a kiss. It was short and it was sweet and when it was done she gave Rebecca all of her money and touched her cheek, telling her to go to Laudenbach like she always dreamed. Then she materialized her robe to begin her flight back to Garderobe, back to Haruka, and back to what remained of her life.


	5. Chapter 5

Shizuru had only been vaguely aware of the passage of time in Quang Bihn. Standing in the Principal’s office, Natsuki’s office, that overlooked the grounds of Garderobe she became distinctly conscious of it. Two years had passed since she had last been in this place. That was when she last sat at this desk and knew without Youko telling her that something was wrong. That was when she smashed through this window, flying to her Natsuki and ultimately arriving far too late. 

Walking over to the window, Shizuru touched its surface, enjoying how it was cool on her skin. She had a strange impulse to breathe on it as she would’ve done in the old days. Making a heart with her and Natsuki’s initials inside of it but Natsuki wasn’t here to blush and stammer over her antics. She was alone in this office as she had been for the past two weeks. Of course, she wasn’t completely alone. She had her fellow Columns and the Garderobe staff along with her student assistant. Miss Maria was here often to help her transition into the role of interim Principal, a duty reserved for the 3rd Column that had been passed over to the older Otome upon Shizuru’s absence. A duty that Miss Maria would have maintained if Shizuru hadn’t insisted otherwise.

They didn’t think she was ready to take this responsibility. To be in this office, doing this job, and she couldn’t blame them. For the past two years she had run from this. From her old life, from the memories contained in this place, memories of her life with Natsuki and now here she was, in the very place they had spent most of their time together. 

It wasn’t as painful as Shizuru imagined. 

There was an ache and a sorrow but her loss no longer cut through her like a knife, making it feel like her soul was bleeding from the absence of her Natsuki. Instead, she had become sadly resigned to a life without her. 

Being here made it better somehow. Returning to Garderobe, fulfilling her duty as the 3rd Column, made Shizuru feel closer to Natsuki. Taking on the role of interim Principal helped Shizuru to understand her deceased lover better and it preserved the connection between them. There was a melancholy upon realizing this, on discovering unknown facets to her Natsuki now that she was gone forever, but Shizuru found solace in them all the same and it helped her to go on. 

Turning from the window, her eyes fell to her brand new desk and the papers that sat on top of it. Though it aggravated Haruka she always kept the documents from her revised sentence there. Shizuru wasn’t sure why. Perhaps she wanted some visual reminder of her crimes? Something to ensure she wouldn’t let herself forget the monster she could become? The monster that had to be held back while she was at this school. Natsuki’s school. 

The Council approved altering her sentence on her return when she explained her intent to take over as the interim Principal. In this role she would sometimes have to leave the academy grounds and taking this into account, they agreed she could do so if her GEM was removed, deactivating her powers. She could venture as far as Wind City in this state and this would only be allowed five times in a year. In exchange for this her sentence was extended another year. 

Staying at Garderobe for so long was an alien concept for Shizuru. As the 3rd Column she had been Natsuki’s right hand, entrusted with the most important and delicate of missions, and she was often away on business. Shizuru had never much liked the responsibility of teaching, she didn’t think herself particularly good at it, and she preferred carrying out tasks for Natsuki rather than being involved with the aspects of running the school. She could do the work but she never enjoyed it and Shizuru knew she could have never done this job before. Staying here, at the academy, having one day so much like the next, it would have driven her mad even with her Natsuki by her side but now…

There was a relief in the lack of thought needed for this job. How her life was a pattern and it helped to focus on the inane small details of her existence, on her job as the interim Principal, to keep her from focusing on Natsuki’s death. And besides, she had Haruka now. Haruka who understood, Haruka who did her best to help, Haruka who had somehow redecorated the entire office in one day all in the hope that Shizuru wouldn’t find herself lost in the pain of her memories.

The blonde did a fine job of it too, the office went from a muted blue, green, and gray color scheme to one of gold and light brown. There was a soothing feeling in the office now, it gave off a light air, and it seemed to almost sparkle during the hours of the sunset. Shizuru wondered sometimes if Haruka picked everything out on her own or if she had help. For some reason she didn’t ask. Perhaps because she didn’t want to know the answer. What counted was that Haruka did this with her in mind, that’s what Shizuru told herself anyway.

It was enough to know that she mattered to Haruka, that she was in her thoughts. Eighteen years was how long her life had revolved around Natsuki and Shizuru wanted it to be that way. She never resented it or Natsuki. Before she fell in love she didn’t have a real focus in her life, a reason to live, something to fight for, and her existence simply was. Shizuru never felt an attachment to people, not really. Growing up as the daughter of Archduke Shigeru Viola she was born into the life of noble society and everything that came with it. The false airs, the pretense, the constant act that people put on.

From a very young age she learned people liked her title, they liked what she could get them, they liked their idea of who she was, and none of it had the least bit to do with Shizuru Viola as a person. And so she trusted no one and she didn’t bother to get to know anyone. It hurt too much, even those distant recollections of what it had felt like when she tried as a young girl only to find out her closest friends cared nothing for her. To hear their gossip and malicious whispers behind her back, the jealousy in their voices, only to be greeted with sickening sweet smiles because of who her father was. She learned to hate them and she buried her hurt underneath her hate and she shunned all contact to the point it worried her father immensely. It was then that she learned to perfect her own act, to put upon her own pretense, and she began playing a part and giving them what she thought they wanted because what was the point of letting them see her true self? It wasn’t what they wanted and it wasn’t like they cared.

Then came Garderobe and Haruka. She was certain others had seen her mask for what it was. Her father, for one, but no one was irritated by it like Haruka was. It offended and enraged her and something about that made Shizuru grow fond of her. Life in court was artifice and it was guile and she had never met someone like Haruka Armitage before. Someone who spoke honestly and earnestly from their heart, someone who let you see exactly who they were, and hid nothing away. 

A reckless courage, that’s what Haruka had, and Shizuru admired it. Before long, Haruka had found a special place in her heart that Shizuru could never concede nor properly explain. Even her precious Natsuki didn’t see through her facade at first. She admired who she thought Shizuru was, that beautiful and kind oneesama, and it wasn’t until she had pressed the girl too far, ruined that image Natsuki had of her, that she began to see who Shizuru truly was as a person.

Something that Haruka had done from the start. Even if having such a talent irritated her immensely. Those days were such fun. Teasing Haruka and her Natsuki. They both had such wonderful reactions and it somehow made it that much better knowing that she was showing a side of herself to them that no one else knew. That they were special to her and she to them, that she held a place in her hearts. Before she let them in, before she allowed Natsuki to know all of her, Shizuru was isolated and she didn’t so much live her life as she simply existed. There was nothing that made her look forward from one day to the next.

When Shizuru fell in love with Natsuki she became that reason. And when she lost Natsuki she never thought she would have someone like that again. Someone who would know all of her, someone she could trust, someone who would make her anticipate tomorrow, and she still didn’t but she did have Haruka. The person who stood by her during the worst time in her life and saw the monster lurking inside of her and wasn’t afraid, the person who wanted her near, the person who needed her.

And Shizuru had discovered long ago, with her Natsuki, she was someone who couldn’t truly exist if she wasn’t needed by another person. It couldn’t be just any person either, it had to be someone who mattered to her, and with Natsuki gone there was only one person that she cared the slightest bit about and that was Haruka Armitage. Her first friend and the only person who understood what she experienced in losing Natsuki, who accepted the madness she kept hidden and held her close. 

Knowing that Haruka needed her returned a portion of her old motivation and allowed the days to pass easier than they had in Quang Bihn. Here in Garderobe with Haruka, she didn’t need the alcohol to blur her mind and keep her thoughts from drifting to memories of Natsuki. She was surrounded with them, they lived in the walls, but they didn’t torment her as they used to. Not when she had Haruka to talk to, not when she had someone who needed her as she needed them.

Though there were some places on campus that she avoided. Shizuru hadn’t gone to the quarters she had shared with Natsuki since arriving back at Garderobe and had put off choosing a new residence. Instead she drifted from available room to room, living something like a guest in her own academy. She didn’t know why she couldn’t pick a room but she knew why she avoided her old quarters. The memories in this office and elsewhere on the grounds, they were safe, but the ones that would be sparked by her presence in that room were anything but. Their most intimate moments happened in that room and their things, they were all there, along with Natsuki’s possessions, clothing that might have her scent clinging to them. 

Just the thought of experiencing that was unbearable and Shizuru avoided going there at all cost. It was strange that she had this feeling and her favorite thing in this redecorated office, cleaned and changed to avoid her painful memories, belonged to Natsuki. A golf putting game the Principal had squirreled into the storage closet for the office and despite how hidden it was, it showed signs of being well loved and used. Natsuki’s strange love for golf and her complete ineptitude at the sport was yet another of her endearing traits and upon discovering the game, Shizuru set it up in the right corner of the office.

Using it wasn’t of any interest to Shizuru. She just wanted to see it every day, a daily reminder of her Natsuki, just like she wanted to see the paperwork of her sentence on her desk. Haruka accused her of trying to torture herself and maybe that was part of it but she liked seeing that silly game. It made her smile, remembering Natsuki’s cute scowl as she missed a put and her flustered attitude when she tried to hide her interest in the sport. Unlike their quarters it made her think of happy things and she never wanted to forget her Natsuki. The concept of Natsuki disappearing from her thoughts entirely frightened Shizuru because for so long thoughts of Natsuki were always in the background of her mind, a motivating force behind her actions. Now she was gone but Shizuru refused to stop thinking of her. 

Not when those thoughts, those memories, were all she had left of Natsuki. 

Everything else was just objects, meaningless, even if like the golf game they did bring a rare happy thought. The only thing of substance were the times they had together and Shizuru guarded those moments like the precious treasure they were. Even if it kept her distant and separate from everyone else on campus with the exception of Haruka.

“Haruka-oneesama! She doesn’t want to be disturbed!” 

Moments after Rose Cheun, the No. 4 Pearl and Shizuru’s student assistant, exclaimed this the doors to her office burst open and Haruka was there with a huffy look on her features. Rose, on the other hand appeared quite harassed and this made a hint of a smile curve on Shizuru’s lips. She wondered if the girl actually thought she had a chance of keeping Haruka from her path once she decided on it. Shizuru never met anyone who could.

“Bubuzuke,” Haruka drawled. She jerked her thumb at Rose as she bent down, placing a large suitcase down on the floor with care. “You really tell her that? You didn’t mean me, right?”

“Of course not,” said Shizuru smoothly, moving forward and forming a winsome smile. “Haruka is the one person I always want to see. It isn’t Rose’s fault I never told her Haruka is special.”

“The kid does a decent job of guarding you,” remarked Haruka, watching as the blushing Pearl excused herself and closed the office doors. “I had to pick her up and put her aside before I could get past to see you. You paying her or something?”

“In compliments and extra credit, yes,” said Shizuru, a playful feeling taking hold as she watched Haruka roll her eyes. They were having more and more moments like these. How they used to be. Their old camaraderie and interaction, the fun of it, the lighthearted teasing, and Shizuru found herself looking forward to it. She only had this feeling with Haruka, with everyone else she felt awkward and stiff, playing her part, and using her old pretense from childhood. “But why has Haruka come to see me? Not to inquire about the nonexistent wage of my student assistant, I’m sure. She always has important things on her mind.”

Haruka snorted, her blonde hair tossed over her shoulder as she stalked about the room. Her habit of pacing had always fascinated Shizuru, even when they were roommates. Sometimes she thought it could be compared to the movement of a wild cat or some other discontent beast that just wanted to take a swipe at the annoying creatures which bothered them. Shizuru did wonder how often she was that creature for Haruka. The winding walk soon ended with Haruka standing in front of Natsuki’s golf game and she wore a familiar frown on her face, the worried one that was bound to add wrinkles when she was older.

“You’re okay with this being here?” Haruka questioned, her eyes fixed on the game, an oddly controlled look on her features. She turned to face Shizuru, her violet eyes quietly concerned. “Even though you won’t go near your old quarters?”

“This brings happy memories,” murmured Shizuru, standing at Haruka’s side, her focus on the game. “I cannot return to the place where I shared so many intimate moments with my Natsuki. It was difficult enough stepping into this office for the first time but to go to where we shared a bed? Revealed parts of ourselves no one else has seen? No,” Shizuru looked to Haruka who met her gaze with an earnest expression. “Just thinking of it is impossible.”

“I figured you’d say something like that,” said Haruka and she shifted from foot to foot. There was a tinge of nervousness to her stance and Shizuru raised an eyebrow, making a nonverbal inquiry the blonde immediately recognized. “Don’t get mad,” Haruka began, shoving her hands into her jacket pockets. “But I got everything taken out of there. Put it in storage except the essentials, toilings and all that. Clothes I know you like because I remember you wearing them a lot.”

“Toiletries,” said Shizuru fondly, a smile tugging on her lips. 

“That’s what I said!” Haruka blustered and she studied Shizuru who continued to smile at her and she growled impatiently. “Go on,” she waved her hands at the other Otome. “Get mad already. I'm ready for it, you don't scare me.”

“Why would I be mad at Haruka?” questioned Shizuru soft and sincere, stepping closer and reaching for Haruka’s hand, squeezing it gently when she had it in her hold. “She did a very sweet thing and she’s trying to take care of me.” 

Violet eyes narrowed suspiciously and Haruka replied, “You sure?”

“I’m positive,” said Shizuru with a chuckle, looking around Haruka at the large suitcase. “I suppose all my belongings that Haruka has gathered are in that case? She did treat it with the utmost of care.” 

“You’re making fun of me,” Haruka accused, her cheeks reddening and a scowl forming. 

Chuckling again, Shizuru swung Haruka’s hand in her own. She looked over her shoulder at the blonde, an unbidden smile forming as she lifted her free hand and put her index finger and thumb close together. “Just a little,” Shizuru revealed, that playful feeling surging in her again when she heard Haruka’s grumble. Shizuru started to reach for the suitcase but Haruka beat her to it, hefting it easily in her left hand and Shizuru flashed her widest smile and declared, “Haruka is such a gentleman.” 

“In case you missed it, I’m a woman, bubuzuke,” said Haruka dryly, allowing Shizuru to tug her along as they exited the office. Shizuru said her goodbyes to Rose who did her best to act as if she wasn’t staring at the two Columns holding hands and doing a very bad job of it. Part of Shizuru hated the rumors she knew would come of it, felt it disrespected and degraded the memories of the love she shared with her Natsuki and Haruka with Yukino, but all the same she refused to let go. Not when such a small thing could bring her a measure of happiness and contentment. “I thought you caught an eyeful when we were roommates.” 

“I did and it was very pleasing indeed,” said Shizuru with a grin and Haruka grumbled again, staring down the hall, a frown suddenly forming on her features. Seeing the confusion emerging on her face, Shizuru asked, “What is it?”

“Where are we going?” asked Haruka bluntly. She hefted up the large suitcase and said, “This is heavy. You have a lot of junk.” 

“Haruka is the one that packed it,” Shizuru reminded, lifting an eyebrow and chuckling when Haruka conceded this with a mumble, looking out the window. “If it was heavy then why did she pack so much?”

Silence and Shizuru swore if they weren’t walking, Haruka would be shifting from foot to foot again. Instead she watched her feet as they walked and said in a mutter, “I didn’t want to leave anything you might need behind. The room’s empty so you won’t have to go back there but I didn’t think you’d want to go down to storage where I put all of the Principal’s things either.” 

It was in times like these that Shizuru was heartbreakingly aware of why Yukino had been in love with Haruka. While she put on a gruff exterior, full of bravado, that was just one side of her, the one that the public saw most often. But there was another facet to her personality, one that was caring and gentle and terribly sweet. She had a capacity to care for people in a way that Shizuru never could fully comprehend and it made her feel so grateful to have Haruka with her now. Because Shizuru didn’t think anyone but Haruka could forgive her for all her crimes, excuse everything she did, and still want her as a friend. 

“I should choose a new room, that’s what Haruka believes, isn’t it?” said Shizuru, studying Haruka with a perceptive gaze.

Haruka nodded, a serious look on her features as she turned to Shizuru. “I don’t like you moving around,” she said. “It’s like you’re here but you’re not. Acting like Garderobe is a hotel or something and it isn’t. This is supposed to be your home, Shizuru.”

“I know it is,” said Shizuru with a smile, looking to Haruka. “Will Haruka help me choose then? She did such a stupendous job of packing my belongings, after all. It wouldn’t feel right to do this without her.”

“You weren’t there, you don’t know what sort of job I did,” said Haruka, defensive in her embarrassment.

“Ah, but I do know Haruka, and Haruka only does things to the very best of her abilities,” said Shizuru lightly, though her eyes shone with a sincere gratitude that the blonde Otome couldn’t help but notice and it caused her cheeks to redden. 

“I’ll help,” said Haruka gruffly, following after Shizuru as she opened the door to the building which housed the staff living quarters. “But don’t take forever picking a place out. I got plans for later tonight, bubuzuke.”

“I won’t,” Shizuru promised. “In fact, I have just the perfect quarters in mind.” 

—-

Each of the quarters that they looked at had something wrong with them until they reached the housing floor where Haruka resided. Magically, the open quarters right next to Haruka’s own were absolutely perfect despite having a smaller living room than the other quarters they had seen and a view that consisted of buildings instead of the beautiful Garderobe campus. 

“If you wanted to live by me you should’ve just said so,” remarked Haruka. “I wouldn’t have teased you.”

Shizuru knew that but it wasn’t so much a fear of being teased as revealing the vulnerability that still remained in her. It used to be only Natsuki could bring it out in her because it was only Natsuki whom she loved, who her life revolved around, but now she had Haruka. It wasn’t the same, the feelings she had for Haruka but Haruka was the only person Shizuru felt comfortable with, where she didn’t feel the need for that mask, that pretense she had learned to perform since she was a child. If she couldn’t be with her Natsuki anymore, if she couldn’t live where they had so many memories because of the pain it would lend, then she wanted to be as close to Haruka as possible. Because her mere presence was soothing to Shizuru. 

“I know,” Shizuru said quietly, her voice just a whisper. “Haruka is much kinder than me. She wouldn’t do such things.” She heard the sound of the blonde stepping closer and she lifted her head, looking into violet eyes that always seemed to look at her with acceptance and concern. It was almost too much, knowing Haruka could still look at her that way after everything she did. What she did to deserve this woman as a friend, Shizuru didn’t know, but she did know she wanted to hang onto her for dear life because it seemed as if only Haruka helped to maintain her grip on reality. “I suppose I didn’t want to admit it.” 

“Shizuru,” Haruka murmured her name and she raised her hand almost hesitantly before lying it flat against Shizuru’s skin. Her fingers stretched out, touching the edges of Shizuru’s hair, curling it gently in her hold. “I don’t need you to explain, not if you don’t want to. Most things I can figure out on my own.” A self-deprecating smile formed on Haruka’s features and she continued, “And I’m not the best with words anyway. Aren’t you the one always telling me when I get them mixed up?”

I’m not the only one, Shizuru almost said this, referring to Yukino and Sara but she couldn’t say that and see sadness fill Haruka’s gaze. She didn’t want to do that so she didn’t do anything at all, remaining silent as Haruka’s hand fell from her face and the room stayed quiet until the other Column looked to her with a small frown. “What is it?” asked Shizuru. 

“There are things I want to ask,” said Haruka, an uncomfortable look on her features, shifting from foot to foot again. “Mostly I just spit it out, you know? Don’t bother trying to think before I say stuff but with you…” Haruka trailed off, looking at Shizuru worriedly. “We’ve been through too much for me to do that. Even if I know you won’t take it personal.”

“Haruka can ask me anything she likes, I’ll never become upset,” said Shizuru soft and emphatic, knowing this to be the truth. “It’s because we’ve been through so much together that I’m sure of this. Please,” she moved closer, tilting her head and looking into Haruka’s eyes with a reassuring gaze. “Ask me.”

“Where did you go?” asked Haruka. She shoved her hands into her jacket pockets and avoided Shizuru’s gaze. “I mean, I know you were in Quang Bihn, that’s where Anh-oneesama found you.” Haruka shook her head, releasing a frustrated noise and removing her hands from her pockets, she threw them up in the air. “I dunno what I mean. Just forget it.” 

“No,” said Shizuru, reaching for Haruka’s hands and stilling them in her grasp, squeezing them gently. “I don’t want to forget. I want to answer Haruka’s question.” When the blonde turned to her, Shizuru realized some part of her was ashamed. She hadn’t been when Anh came for her and she didn’t think what she did was wrong but it was different with Haruka. Despite all Haruka had gone through, all she had seen, there was an innocence, a goodness, to her that was similar to Natsuki. She always believed the best in people and Shizuru knew for certain if Haruka had been in her place she wouldn’t have done half the things that she did while in Quang Bihn. “I was working as a bodyguard at a brothel in the capital city.” 

A blank stare interrupted by blinking was Haruka’s only reaction until she demanded, “What were you doing there?”

Silence and Shizuru kept her gaze steady with Haruka’s, knowing if she looked away she might never look back. Trying to find some humor in the conversation, she raised an eyebrow and replied, “Haruka must know what people do with prostitutes.”

Blushing dark red, Haruka scowled and turned from Shizuru, grumbling about the other woman teasing her. Then she returned her gaze to Shizuru, her expression obstinate. “Why would you pay for that kind of stuff?” Haruka asked. ”It’s not like you need to. Seems to me that people fall for you no matter where you go so you’re not exactly hard up.”

“It brought some measure of comfort, being with women who didn’t expect anything of me,” Shizuru revealed, a wan smile forming on her features. “The people you speak of would have wanted things from me, would have felt things for me, and it’s not something I could have dealt with then. I’m not sure I can deal with it now, to be perfectly honest. Does Haruka understand?”

“Yeah, I understand,” Haruka muttered with a frown. Shizuru could see the consternation on the blonde’s features, that despite this reassurance there was something else she needed to ask. Noticing Shizuru’s attention, Haruka reddened, ducking her head and rubbing the back of it. After a few moments, she looked up at Shizuru in a plaintive manner entirely too similar to Natsuki. “What about me? Do you think I expect things from you?”

Of all the things she assumed that Haruka would say Shizuru didn’t believe this would be among them. She imagined a certain amount of disdain and derision from what she had done in Quang Bihn and maybe it was there at first but now Haruka had gone back to her constant care and concern. Didn’t it matter to Haruka, the things she did, how low she had sunk? From the way that Haruka was looking at her, anxious and shifting from foot to foot, her hands buried in her pockets, Shizuru didn’t think so.

“Because I don’t want that,” Haruka continued, her frown deepening. “You’re obnoxious and a pain in my ass but that’s who you are and I don’t want you pretending to be something else. Stupid as it sounds, I like that you’re that way.”

“I always suspected Haruka was a masochist of sorts from the haphazard manner in which she does battle,” remarked Shizuru, a teasing smile tugging at her lips. 

Falling into this pattern was second nature and it was easier than acknowledging how much hearing this revelation from Haruka affected her. Shizuru didn’t know why the blonde cared what she thought and she didn’t have the courage to ask. Understanding why people admired and loved the act she put on was simple. It represented perfection, a dream of sorts, fantasy of what most want to see in another person. But Haruka knew who she really was. All her faults and the monster she could become and she liked her all the same. Shizuru was baffled by it and she knew this feeling wouldn’t ever change.

“Bubuzuke,” growled Haruka in annoyance. 

The blonde Otome opened her mouth, no doubt for some retort, but was silenced by Shizuru’s index finger resting against her lips. “It’s the same for me,” Shizuru murmured, soft and sincere. “I like Haruka exactly as she is and I haven’t any expectations of her. Haruka simply being Haruka is all that I require.” 

“How come you always have to mess with me?” Haruka complained, pushing Shizuru’s finger aside and holding it lightly in her grip. “And don’t say it’s because you like my recess. I’ve heard that plenty.” 

“Reaction,” corrected Shizuru affectionately, chuckling when Haruka grumbled at her. “I would answer but Haruka wouldn’t be pleased by my reply since she claims to have heard it plenty. I will say it is part of why I like Haruka exactly as she is.”

“Right,” said Haruka with a snort. She began to respond but her GEM lit up with a bright green glow and she stepped away from Shizuru, touching it lightly and the brunette heard her carry on a quiet conversation with Sara Gallagher. When she was finished, Haruka turned back to Shizuru and said, “I have to go. You’ll be okay, setting the room up?”

Some irrational part of Shizuru wanted to say she wouldn’t be. That she couldn’t cope alone but it would be a lie and Shizuru never lied to Haruka. Not since she had seen how devastated the blonde was by her lies when they were roommates at this academy. Back when she allowed Haruka to win in battles against her because she didn’t care and she thought it would make Haruka happy. It was then she learned how much honesty meant to the other woman and Shizuru promised to remain that way, rather than risk losing her friendship again. Which is why she shook her head, saying she would be fine. Watching Haruka as she exited, Shizuru was bitterly aware of how her new quarters were far less appealing than they had been just seconds before. 

——

Ever since her sentence ended Haruka would go out once a week into Wind City with Sara. She wasn’t sure why the younger Otome insisted on it but Haruka had begun to enjoy the outings. During the twelve years of Yukino’s presidency they hadn’t many opportunities to go out and while they did have many romantic evenings at The Hexagon and Yukino’s house in Caeles it wasn’t the same. Haruka often longed for a sort of normalcy they would probably never achieve because of Yukino’s status as a former president and a member of a prestigious family in Aries. She wanted to spend time with her like she did on these trips with Sara, just wandering about the city, no particular plan in mind and just enjoying each other’s company.

It was too late though. Yukino was dead and Haruka never got to have those moments with her. But now she was here, with Sara, who was so like Yukino but different all the same. For some reason she didn’t think Yukino would have brought her to an art museum. It was too far flung from Haruka’s element and to be honest, Haruka had a frown on her face the minute she saw the building in front of her and realized Sara’s intent for them to go inside. Still, Sara had been good to her, taking care of her all these months, putting up with her foul moods, and the least she could do was look at some boring art for her.

When she stepped inside, Haruka was met with banners announcing an exhibit from Aries, featuring artists who came to popularity during their fight for independence against Artai. Looking to Sara with surprise, she was met with a soft smile from the other woman, slipping her arm through Haruka’s as she led her into the main hall where the exhibit was located.

“Growing up in Mar, I only got to see these in textbooks,” Sara revealed, walking with Haruka through the hall, pausing to study the famous statue of Anzai Chrysant. “You lived in Caeles for a few years. Did you ever visit the National Art Museum?”

Shaking her head no, Haruka looked to Sara with a sheepish expression. “I always fell asleep in class when they were talking about this stuff. Never was much interest to me,” she admitted. Looking up at the statue, she murmured, “It’s different now. I guess it’s growing older that does it? Makes things you found boring as a kid not so much when you’re an adult? I dunno,” she muttered, her face reddening slightly, studying the etched lines of Anzai’s face. “I know Yukino liked it.”

They walked slowly through the hall, inspecting the paintings and sculptures, conversing quietly on their homeland until Haruka’s stomach grumbled and her face turned dark red in a blush. Sara beamed at the older Otome, pulling her along with a fond cluck of her tongue, and saying it was past time for them to have their dinner. Purchasing food from a local street vendor they sat on a bench at the city park which had a direct view of the Windbloom University campus. Haruka’s eyes drifted over the scenery until they stopped on a tree she had sat under more than a few times with Yukino when they were attending school. 

Haruka started to tell Sara this but stopped, a frown forming as she wondered if Sara ever got sick of it. Hearing so much about Yukino. This had gone on for over a year now and Haruka was amazed with the younger blonde’s patience. How she never got frustrated with her or really angry. At least, not in any way that Haruka found it the least bit threatening. She would get irritated at her moods, when she would doubt herself or have moments of self-loathing, but that was out of concern for her. 

“What’s wrong?” asked Sara, her brow furrowing in concern on seeing Haruka’s frown. “You don’t like your food?”

There it was again. She was always worried about her. Haruka didn’t reply, simply stared at the other Otome, smiling when her wire rimmed glasses slipped down the bridge of her nose. Pushing them up, Haruka murmured, “Don’t you ever get tired? From worrying about me all the time? Hearing me talk about Yukino nonstop… it’s boring for you, isn’t it? You don’t have to lie.”

“It’s not boring,” Sara said this in a fierce exclamation, one that made Haruka smile and shake her head. “I’m not lying!”

“You’re too nice, you’ve always been too nice,” said Haruka affectionately. “I’ll try and stop it. I shouldn’t bother you so much. It’s not right, always going to you. I’ve monopod all your time.”

“Monopolized,” corrected Sara, a touch of annoyance in her voice. It wasn’t giving the correction that bothered her but Haruka thinking she felt that way. Something Sara found utterly ridiculous. She wanted to be with Haruka, she liked being with her, even when she was depressed and always reminiscing about Yukino. A sinking feeling took hold and she had to wonder if maybe this wasn’t Haruka being worried about taking up her time so much as Haruka just not needing her. After all, Shizuru had returned and Shizuru understood so much better than Sara what Haruka had lost. Maybe she just wasn’t good enough in comparison. People were often found lacking when placed against the Bewitching Smile Amethyst. “It’s because Shizuru is back, isn’t it? You rather talk to her about these things.” Keeping her gaze purposefully away from Haruka, trying to control the waver in her voice, Sara tried to force herself to sound cheerful. “I understand. She does know you better—”

“Sara Gallagher,” Haruka said her name in a murmur, fingers gentle on her jaw but still forcing her to turn so their eyes could meet. Once they did, Sara saw the frown Haruka was wearing had grown much deeper. “It’s got nothing to do with bubuzuke. I just thought maybe it’s selfish of me, always dumping so much on you.”

“You’re not,” said Sara strongly, shaking her head. “And I don’t mind. I like being with you, I like hearing these things.”

“That’s just you being too nice again,” said Haruka sardonically. “You can’t say it doesn’t get on your nerves, hearing me talk about the same stuff over and over. I know I’m doing it, that everything always goes back to Yukino, but I can’t help it. I was with her for so long, ever since we were kids, and it feels strange, not thinking about her so much. I’m not sure I could ever stop.”

“Then don’t stop,” said Sara quietly, reaching up to cover Haruka’s hand with her own. “Loving Yukino is a part of you, Haruka. I don’t want to change that and I don’t want you to have to think about what you say around me.” Her green eyes were bright and teasing as she continued, “I’m not sure you really could do that anyway.” 

“I can think!” Haruka protested in a bluster.

“About what you say before you say it?” Sara teased, laughing when Haruka’s cheeks puffed out. “You’d probably just stop speaking to me in the end and I don’t want that. I like talking with you.”

For a few moments, Haruka was silent, simply observing Sara who became slightly self-conscious under her gaze, a blush tingeing her cheeks. She started to look away but Haruka touched her face and said, “I feel the same, you know? That’s why I was worried. But you’re easy to talk to. Always have been.”

“Haruka,” Sara said her name in a soft murmur.

“We should finish eating,” said Haruka, taking a large bite of her sandwich and swallowing it quickly. “Before our food gets cold.”

“Mou!” exclaimed Sara with a sigh, bumping her shoulder with Haruka’s. “You shouldn’t eat so fast. You’ll choke!”

Snorting at this Haruka put her food in her left hand and placed her right arm over Sara’s shoulder in a casual gesture. Giving the younger blonde a light squeeze, she said, “It’ll take more than sliced meat in between some bread to get rid of me.”

Her blush returning, Sara ducked her head, nodding in agreement before eating her meal in comfortable silence with Haruka. It never failed to please her, how the very simplest of things could make her happy whenever Haruka was involved.

——

Gazing out the windows of the Principal’s office had become something of a pastime for Shizuru. Doing it reminded her of Natsuki in a pleasant manner and she liked having this visual connection to the academy she was temporarily heading. Seeing with her own eyes the students, instructors, and employees going about their daily business. There was something fulfilling and relaxing in it and so looking out the windows had become Shizuru’s small breaks throughout her busy days. Turning in her chair and staring out over the grounds and the people residing on it.

Of course, sometimes her observations led her to see things Shizuru would rather not. This included the current scene she was fixated on, watching as Haruka said her goodbyes to Sara who was leaving for a brief mission in Cardair. Usually Shizuru sat in her comfortable chair, turning faintly from left to right, during her observations but as she gazed at Haruka and Sara she stood up, moving closer to the windows, a frown slowly forming with every moment that passed. 

Sara was lecturing Haruka again, Shizuru could see it from the way she was speaking and wagging her finger at the older blonde, and she could visualize Haruka rolling her eyes in response before she saw her tug Sara’s cap down over her eyes. The blush Sara wore, Shizuru easily imagined, especially after Haruka pulled her in for a one armed hug and Shizuru clenched her hands into fists. There was a strange churning in her stomach, as if she was going to be ill, it was unfamiliar and unpleasant.

“Knock knock,” Nao’s sardonic drawl filled the air along with a loud rapping on the window and Shizuru jumped slightly, turning to look at the redhead. Smirking on finally having Shizuru’s attention, Nao tilted her head to one side and remarked, “I was starting to think you’d gone deaf in your old age, Shizuru.” 

During the past few weeks Nao had slowly taken to referring to her without honorifics and Shizuru found she liked it. She didn’t want to be called Principal, that was Natsuki’s title, and being spoken to with any measure of politeness was just odd when it came to Nao. It didn’t suit her at all and Nao was the Column she had come to rely on the most other than Haruka. She enjoyed Nao’s blunt honesty, it reminded her of Midori, whom she had grown fond of in her time with Aswad. 

“Nao’s taunts are most cruel,” said Shizuru with a pout, sitting in her chair and spinning away from the window. If she remained standing she would be tempted to watch more of Haruka and Sara’s goodbye and further incite Nao’s curiosity. That wouldn’t do.

“Gallagher and the General, huh?” said Nao thoughtfully, her fingers tapping out a pattern on the window. “They got tight while you were away. I thought maybe with you back they’d stop being joined at the hip but it doesn’t look like anything’s changed.” Shizuru didn’t reply, she focused on her desk, staring at the edges of her sentencing papers, hidden underneath the endless piles of work for Garderobe. She kept her gaze on them even as Nao sat on the edge of her desk, left hand spreading out over those papers, disturbing them so she could see more details of her sentence. “You don’t like it, do you?”

“Why would Nao say such a thing? I’m not a jealous person,” said Shizuru, forming her very best glittering smile. The one that had made countless men and women swoon in her presence but it had no effect on Nao who raised an eyebrow as her smirk grew that much larger. “I must say, I don’t understand what has Nao so entertained.”

“The Bewitching Smile Amethyst in denial is pretty damn funny,” Nao said glibly. When Shizuru opened her mouth, she waved her hands at her before leaning back on the desk and studying her features with a sly expression. “Don’t even try it. We both know you don’t like the General cozying up with Gallagher. My only question is why. Jealousy or friendly concern? And don’t say it can’t be jealousy, not when you’re the one who brought it up.”

Looking at Nao’s smirk which seemed permanently fixed on her face, Shizuru resigned herself to the fact that the other Column was entirely all too well suited to her assigned duties of espionage. She had an uncanny ability to read people. Even those who had worked their whole lives at hiding their true self under a mask of grace and charm like herself. “What does Nao know of their relationship?” she questioned quietly, almost imploring but held back by the pride Shizuru found impossible to abandon.

“They’re not dating,” said Nao carelessly, kicking her legs absently. “Gallagher wants to though. I doubt the General has a clue.”

“Haruka has never been especially observant in such matters,” murmured Shizuru, a tender feeling seized her on recalling how she had been the one to point out Haruka’s own romantic feelings for Yukino. Before her intervention Haruka had merely thought her emotions for Yukino were what one friend feels for another even though it was plain enough for everyone else to see. “Does Nao think she’s made any progress in getting Haruka to realize?”

“Beats me, I haven’t watched them that close,” said Nao and she studied the slight flicker of disappointment that moved over Shizuru’s features. “I could if you wanted,” she said, a devious glint forming in her eyes. “It’d be a fun distraction.” 

There were a few seconds where Shizuru actually considered it then she immediately thought better of it. Even during her most desperate times as she tried to win over Natsuki she never contemplated spying on her. How could she do such a thing to her closest friend? It simply wasn’t right and while Shizuru knew she possessed far less of a moral code than most people it didn’t sit right with her and she eventually rejected the idea. “Nao is surprisingly sweet but I must refuse. If Haruka was ever to discover I did anything of that sort she would never forgive me and I couldn’t live with that,” Shizuru admitted quietly. 

“You know the General started up with her because you were gone and Gallagher reminds her of the President,” said Nao, revealing the blunt honesty that Shizuru appreciated about her. She kicked her legs one last time and leapt off the desk, shoving her hands into the pockets of her pants. “I know Gallagher’s crazy about her. Has been for awhile. Anybody with two eyes who isn’t the General can figure that out but until the President died, she wasn’t anything but another Otome to the General.”

“But now that Yukino-san is gone?” prompted Shizuru.

“It’s like she got something of the President back, being with Gallagher,” said Nao with a shrug, walking out of the office. “But I’m not somebody to go nosing around in other people’s business. I just call things as I see them.”

“And how does Nao see this?” Shizuru questioned as Nao reached the door.

Pausing with her hand on the door handle, Nao turned around, a twisted smile on her features as she drawled, “It’s almost as fucked up as Nina obsessing over her father and we all know where that got us.”

With that said, Nao walked out the door and left Shizuru alone in her contemplation. Approaching Haruka would do no good. It was as Nao said, she hadn’t the slightest clue as to what was happening with Sara. The younger blonde though, she knew, she was too intelligent not to know and that meant she was allowing it to go on, allowing Haruka to exist in this degree of denial that wasn’t emotionally or psychologically healthy. And it was something Shizuru was now determined to stop.

——

The five Columns all had offices on the Garderobe campus but only the office for the 2nd Column was ever really used. As the Principal they were most often on campus and had the greatest number of administration and clerical duties. Nao and Haruka actively avoided their offices like the plague and as far as Shizuru was aware they were next to empty and gathering dust. While Sara was frequently traveling for her diplomatic duties as the 1st Column, she did make use of her office when she was at the academy. As the interim Principal, Shizuru knew the schedules of all her staff, and that being such she knew Sara would be back on Garderobe grounds late in the afternoon. 

Using this knowledge, Shizuru appeared at Sara’s office, standing in the open doorway, her gaze fixed on the daisies sitting on the desk Sara resided at. Her eyes narrowing, Shizuru knocked on the door, smiling serenely when Sara lifted her head to look at her with a slight frown. “Sara is so often hard at work, it’s admirable,” said Shizuru, doing her best to charm. 

“I’m just doing my job,” said Sara plainly and Shizuru knew with this response her attempt had failed. Putting her pen down and the frown increasing, Sara questioned, “Is there a problem, interim Principal?”

Flinching at this modified version of Natsuki’s title, Shizuru’s expression grew darker and she said, “Of course not. Why does Sara ask?”

“Because you never speak to me unless there’s a problem,” replied Sara, looking at Shizuru with keen observation.

“Ever so clever,” murmured Shizuru. She had forgotten somehow. How smart this woman could be. Shizuru wasn’t sure why she had forgotten. Not when it made her so very sure Sara knew what she was doing with Haruka. Stepping forward, she touched the petals of the daisies, aware of Sara jerking forward in her chair as she did so. “Haruka gave these to you, didn’t she?” Lifting her gaze, Shizuru continued, “It’s a habit she’s had for many years now except it was once for Yukino.”

“I know that,” Sara seemed to grind the words out, forcing them past her lips, as if it was painful. 

“Does Sara also know that Haruka is trying to see Yukino in her?” pursued Shizuru, her words quiet but cutting in their truth. “That doing so makes Haruka feel less lonely? That Haruka imagines Yukino is not completely gone because of this?”

“I take it this means you’re not here on academy business,” said Sara with dry humor, removing her glasses and rubbing at her eyes. Suddenly appearing altogether weary. 

“I’m here as a friend concerned for another friend,” said Shizuru honestly. She wasn’t at all comfortable with the idea that Haruka was trying to replace Yukino in any manner through her relationship with Sara. While it wasn’t as outwardly destructive as Shizuru’s own actions in Quang Bihn it had the same ramifications and would prevent the blonde from further recovering from her wife’s death. Shizuru couldn’t let such a thing go on, she was resolved to help Haruka as Haruka was helping her. “Sara is an intelligent person. There must have been moments when she saw evidence of Haruka trying see her as someone else.”

“Haruka knows I’m not the President,” said Sara, putting on her glasses and glaring at Shizuru.

“She knows but there are moments where she looks for Yukino in Sara and I think them to be often,” said Shizuru, moving her hand away from the daisies and folding her arms across her chest. “Sara must realize this isn’t healthy behavior.”

“And what do you want me to do?” asked Sara, her voice sharp and irritated.

“I want Sara to stop allowing Haruka to pretend such things. It would help if she could create a distance until Haruka was able to cease this habit on her own. She is most likely aware of it but unable to stop,” said Shizuru simply, offering a smile. Sara didn’t reply, instead she ducked her head, hands gripping her desk and turning white from the pressure, and Shizuru said this as kindly as she could manage, “Haruka will never be able to let go of Yukino’s death if things continue in this manner.”

“Like you’re over the Principal’s?” demanded Sara harshly, her head whipping up. Instantly, Shizuru’s face darkened and she tried to contain her rage, forcing back that red veil as Sara rose to her feet and met her gaze head on. “You come in here acting like you’re doing this for Haruka’s own good when it’s really about you. I’ve watched you since you came back and I know you don’t like how close I’ve gotten to Haruka. She’s the only one who you feel close to so you want her to feel the same about you but that’s not the truth because she’s got me. Maybe she does see Yukino in me, I’m not stupid, I know that, but I also know she sees who I am deep down and she likes me. So I don’t care what you say, I won’t give her up. I’m helping her.” 

“Helping her by perpetuating her use of you? Her game of pretend?” Shizuru asked derisively. “Sara really doesn’t care of such things? It certainly cannot be good for her ego, knowing so much of Haruka’s time with her is occupied by thoughts of Yukino.”

“I’m sure you’re so concerned about me,” said Sara lightly, plopping back down in her chair. Looking up at Shizuru, the anger gone from her features, she said simply, “I’ve loved Haruka since I was fifteen years old. I’ll do whatever I can to help her. The rest of it doesn’t matter to me.” Her bright green eyes were painfully discerning as they gazed at Shizuru and she questioned, “What about you? What will you do?”

There were very few instances in Shizuru Viola’s life where she had to admit defeat. This was one of them and she wasn’t pleased with it in the least. Which is why her jaw clenched as she turned sharply on her heel, her back to Sara as she walked out the door, replying as she left, “What I must.”


	6. Chapter 6

Growing up with parents in the military gave Haruka a different childhood experience than most and she was aware it affected her personality in certain ways. She knew she had a habit of being abrasive and impatient, that she didn’t like to wait and hardly ever listened, that she often did what she felt was right without considering others. She had been raised to believe actions are more important than words and had little use for discussion. Yukino had always been the exception, and although it pained her to wait and discuss, she always did for Yukino and she always listened. There was no one else whose opinion she respected more and so Haruka always wanted to hear what Yukino had to say. Even when they disagreed.

Her parents regularly spoke of her failings. What she needed to improve and while it hurt to hear this as a child when she was older she saw the reasoning behind it. If you don’t know your own mistakes how can you correct them? That was why Haruka never backed away from criticism, whether it be from herself or others, and she was glaringly aware of her own limitations. 

For instance, Haruka knew she was terrible at reading people and their moods, their emotions. She was fine when they were blatant and on display but when they were more subtle, hidden under the surface, masked by subterfuge she became confused and irritated. To her it was like playing games, doing things like that, and Haruka had no patience for games when it came to emotions. She thought it was a waste of time, something petty and cowardly, and she despised it. 

It was why she didn’t like Shizuru when she first met her. The way she hid her feelings away, buried her true self beneath that image of charm and guile, but the more she got to know the brunette the more she found it was a defense mechanism of sorts. Shizuru’s way of protecting herself from people who had no interest in who she truly was as a person and were instead invested in the idea of her. Realizing this transferred Haruka’s disdain from Shizuru to those who made the brunette react this way. Even now, when she saw students at Garderobe treating Shizuru with blind awe and worship she felt a great swell of annoyance come up in her and had to restrain herself from scaring them off with a harsh word or severe glare. 

As hapless as Haruka was at reading people she was still able to recognize the fact that Shizuru had been in a terrible mood for weeks now. Why she was in a terrible mood was beyond Haruka’s understanding. It didn’t have to do with Natsuki’s death, the loss they continued to feel for the women they loved was a constant topic between them. There was something else behind Shizuru’s mood swings, something she didn’t want to discuss, something other than Natsuki and Haruka had no idea what. 

Every time she attempted to broach the subject Shizuru deftly moved them onto other topics with such skill it wasn’t until Haruka was alone that she realized what the other Otome had done. While Haruka found this avoidance immensely irritating she had never been much for talking in the first place. She believed it was better to be a person of action and as such she decided to act to remove Shizuru’s terrible mood on her own. After countless hours of contemplation Haruka landed onto the one thing she had always known the brunette to enjoy. Something she hoped would improve Shizuru’s increasingly disgruntled attitude. 

Which is why Haruka burst into Shizuru’s office, her arms overflowing with numerous containers of tea. Shizuru was sitting at her desk, preparing for a staff meeting with the other Columns, and she had just seconds to take in the sight of Haruka before the tea was unceremoniously dumped onto her desk. Peering at Haruka over the mountain of tea, Shizuru raised an eyebrow in silent inquiry as she took in the triumphant and absurdly proud grin the blonde wore. 

“There!” Haruka declared, dusting off her hands and placing them on her hips. “What do you think about that, bubuzuke?”

“I think it’s an impressive amount of tea that Haruka has presented me with,” said Shizuru slowly, amusement lacing her words along with an honest confusion. “However, I do find myself curious as to why she’s given me such a vast supply.” 

“You like tea,” said Haruka simply. 

“Yes, I do, but that doesn’t explain why Haruka has given me so much of it to me,” said Shizuru, still puzzled.

Scratching her cheek and grimacing, expecting to hear the denials she’d been dealing with for the past few weeks, Haruka muttered, “I wanted to cheer you up. Since you won’t tell me what’s wrong, this is all I could think of. I know you like tea. You sometimes smile when you drink it and you’re always trying new kinds of tea so I just figured…” 

“That you would purchase the contents of an entire tea shop for me?” Shizuru pursued teasingly.

“Something like that,” said Haruka, an embarrassed flush clinging to her cheeks, her stance suddenly defensive. It was in moments like these that she missed Yukino the most. She had a talent for things like this, for understanding people, reading what was hidden beneath the surface and it was a skill that Haruka had never managed to attain no matter how hard she tried. On some level she knew she wasn’t clever enough to grasp it. Yukino and Shizuru, they were so much smarter than her, Sara too, and Haruka wondered in her darker moments how such intelligent people found any measure of worth in her. They were beyond her in so many ways and that was horribly evident now. It was such an inadequate and simple solution, presenting tea to Shizuru as a gift in some pathetic hope of improving her mood and Haruka felt an uncharacteristic surge of humiliation and moved to gather as many of the containers as she could into her arms. “Never mind,” she said harshly. “It was a dumb idea.” 

“No!” Shizuru exclaimed, rising to her feet in a sudden movement, leaning across the table and placing her hands Haruka’s arms, stilling her retreat. “It isn’t, not in the least,” she murmured in heartfelt tones, her fingers moving on the blonde’s arms in a reassuring caress. “Thoughtful, sweet, and unexpected, but not dumb. Never that.” 

“It’s just tea,” said Haruka who had a stubborn look on her face as she placed the containers back on Shizuru’s desk. “I’d have done something better but it’s all I could think of since you won’t tell me what’s really wrong.” Folding her arms across her chest, she said, “You going to change your mind about that and tell me what’s bugging you?”

There was exasperation and aggravation in violet eyes but a silent plea as well and Shizuru knew Haruka wanted to know not out of curiosity as so many others would but rather out of a genuine concern for her. That concern almost made Shizuru reveal the real reason behind her discontent. Her unhappiness with the developing relationship between Haruka and Sara. If she was to be brutally honest, Shizuru would admit that Nao had been right in her previous assessment. She was jealous.

Shizuru was considering whether or not to tell Haruka exactly that when Nao’s sardonic drawl announced the redhead’s presence. “Don’t tell me you expect us to drink all that,” Nao remarked and the two Columns turned to see her walking into the room followed by Sara. “Not everyone shares your obsession for tea, Shizuru. I’d rather have a beer.”

“On the contrary,” began Shizuru, moving from behind her desk and walking over to Haruka. “This was a most precious gift from Haruka. Therefore, it isn’t meant to be shared.” All too aware of Sara’s eyes on her, narrowed and discerning, Shizuru smiled winsomely at Haruka whose face took on a dark red hue, obviously thinking the brunette was teasing her again. Giving into a feeling of whimsy and a bit of malice towards Sara, she leaned over and pressed a soft kiss onto Haruka’s left cheek while cupping the right with her hand. When she pulled away, Haruka was redder than ever and wore a slight scowl on her features. Shizuru wasn’t sure why but she somehow found the reaction altogether charming and tried to concentrate on that instead of the feelings created by the chaste kiss and Haruka’s gesture of kindness. Trying to push it from her mind, Shizuru focused on Nao and remarked, “Beer wouldn’t be at all appropriate in a meeting between the Columns.”

“Another reason why I could do without this job,” said Nao, settling herself on the couch and peering up at Shizuru with a sardonic expression. “I’m still not sure Fumi-sama didn’t volunteer me for this job just to torture me. I could be married to a rich Duke right now and living the high life if it wasn’t for her little proclamation about making me the 4th Column.”

“You could always retire,” Sara pointed out. Stepping in between Shizuru and Haruka, she hooked her arm with Haruka’s and guided her over to the couch. Shizuru wore a veiled smile at the gesture, finding it a subtle but altogether deliberate method of putting distance between herself and Haruka on Sara’s part. They sat down, Sara ensuring Haruka was against the arm of the couch leaving no room for Shizuru to sit next to her. Sara then turned her attention to Shizuru, her green eyes calculating and calm as if to tell Shizuru her attempt to antagonize her had failed, and suggested, “Should we start?”

The meeting proceeded much as they had in the past. Shizuru was strangely comforted by the idea of running Garderobe much in the same manner that Natsuki had. Feeling that if she continued on that path it was a way of keeping Natsuki’s legacy as Principal alive. It also helped to aid her when she felt lost as to the manner she should conduct herself as Principal. It was a role she didn’t feel at all suited to at times but with Natsuki as an example Shizuru was certain there wasn’t any chance of failure. 

Things were civilized, with quiet discussion on all matters, until Shizuru announced Sara’s newest assignment. A diplomatic mission to Zipang which would keep her away from Garderobe for at least a month. There were immediate protests from Sara, her cheeks hot and eyes blazing, and each one was dismissed from Shizuru with cool logic. In the end there was a stalemate with Shizuru calling on Sara’s duty as the 1st Column, reminding her how all diplomatic matters were hers to handle, and this was no exception. Sara listened to this with obvious resentment, her mouth tight in a frown, before she was forced to agree.

After all, everything that Shizuru said was the truth. They were her responsibilities and this was a mission she should be going on, not any of the other Columns, and being away from Garderobe for a month or more was par the course for Sara. None of that changed the fact that Sara believed that Shizuru wasn’t sending her away for the mission. She was sending her away to keep her from Haruka and what enraged Sara the most was it was well within Shizuru’s rights as Principal to do this.

There was no oversight for the Principal, she was the chosen leader of the Columns, and there had been very few instances in the history of the Otome where her decisions were overridden. As much as Sara felt Shizuru’s reasons for sending her on this mission weren’t what she claimed that wasn’t enough to refuse her orders. Nao wouldn’t support her. She had only exhibited a lazy amusement at the sight of Sara bickering with Shizuru and Haruka was unusually subdued. This left Sara alone in this political battle and she was intelligent enough to recognize it wasn’t a fight she could win. 

It didn’t stop her from trying to get a final shot in when their meeting was at an end. Rising to her feet, Haruka standing at her side, Sara looked at Shizuru with narrowed eyes and remarked, “Selfishness doesn’t suit the leader of Garderobe.” She turned on her heel and started to walk out of the office, following after a still amused Nao, but paused when she noticed Haruka hadn’t moved. “Haruka?” she questioned, a gentle demand in her voice.

“If it’s all right,” began Shizuru smoothly, offering a glittering smile. “I need to talk to your oneesama in private.” 

Never one to be easily antagonized, Sara returned the smile with a bright one of her own, dipping her head at Shizuru before turning on her heel and exiting the office. A confused look on her features, Haruka turned to Shizuru. “What’s going on?” she asked with a frown. “Why are you acting this way with Sara?”

“I’m sure I don’t know what Haruka means. I’ve simply sent Sara on a mission that falls under her duties as the 1st Column. What is so unusual about that?” asked Shizuru guilelessly.

“Maybe,” Haruka allowed, muttering and rubbing the back of her head. She had a look of consternation as she sat on the couch and peered up at Shizuru. “It just didn’t seem that way. I mean, it was more like you wanted to get rid of her than send her on a mission.” Scratching her cheek, Haruka paused, then reached for Shizuru’s hand, tugging her down until they were sitting next to each other on the couch. “When you were gone we all ran this place together. It wasn’t easy but we did it because we’re a team, you know? And it’s gotten easier with you back but just now… it didn’t seem like we were still a team. More like you were our master and we’re your servants.” Haruka had a painfully earnest look on her face as she gazed at Shizuru. “I don’t like feeling that way, Shizuru. It’s not how things should be with any of us.”

“Haruka,” said Shizuru quietly, swallowing the lump that suddenly appeared in her throat. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend—”

“I know that,” interrupted Haruka, scoffing and offering a lopsided smirk. She lightly rapped Shizuru on her forehead, violet eyes shining as she drawled, “Just don’t do it again, huh?” When Shizuru returned her smile, Haruka slapped her own knees hard then said, “So! What did you want to talk to me about?” 

Blinking at the sudden change in topic, Shizuru shook her head then tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. It was hard, even after all of these years, to get used to how easily Haruka forgave and moved on. The former General never seemed to dwell long on the bad things in life. Only Yukino’s death had ever truly slowed Haruka down. It was a testament to how much Haruka loved Yukino that she couldn’t move past her death when countless times before Haruka would immediately recover from whatever was thrown in her path, whether it caused her physical or emotional turmoil.

“I wish to honor Natsuki and Yukino’s final works,” said Shizuru. When Haruka blinked at her, she continued solemnly, “The Earl Defense Force and the plans they made for it were worthy ones. They shouldn’t be abandoned because of selfish and greedy men who hide behind acts of terrorism. I don’t believe that my Natsuki or your Yukino would have wanted that.” Taking Haruka’s hands in her own, Shizuru squeezed them gently. “Though they didn’t know it at the time, they died for the idea they had, that dream of the future. Because of that, I think we should keep it alive for them and ensure it comes true.”

Silence then Haruka enthusiastically nodded, squeezing Shizuru’s hands in a tight grip, her voice hoarse as she said, “You’re right. We shouldn’t give up on it. Yukino wouldn’t have wanted that. Neither would the Principal.” 

“Then we’ll complete their work,” said Shizuru softly, her fingers lightly stroking Haruka’s palms. “Together.”

——

The next day, Sara left for Zipang and Haruka and Shizuru began their work to revive the plans for the Earl Defense Force and the restructuring of the Otome. From early in the day to well into the night they worked, day after day, until more than a month had passed and Sara’s mission in Zipang had been extended due to the unexpected appearance of the Schwartz. As a Column of Garderobe, Sara had naturally offered the Shogun her assistance. It wouldn’t be right to do otherwise. 

Though she had an abundance of time alone with Haruka to broach the topic of Sara and her opinions on the burgeoning relationship between them, Shizuru never brought it up. She didn’t want to speak about Sara while she was with Haruka. Instead she wanted to concentrate on their time together and their work with the EDF which was quickly becoming something of an obsession for them both. As if bringing the organization back to life was somehow akin to revitalizing their lost loves though they knew painfully well this was impossible.

Late one evening, their work was interrupted by the noticeable rumbling of Haruka’s stomach. “That’s it, bubuzuke,” Haruka declared forcefully, rising to her feet and giving her midsection a smack that caused to Shizuru to wince in sympathetic pain. “We need to take a dinner break. I’m starving! My stomach even says so.” 

“I wasn’t aware Haruka’s stomach enjoyed conversing with her,” said Shizuru teasingly, neatly putting away their paperwork. They had taken to working in their quarters for added comfort and privacy and the brunette headed towards her kitchen as she said, “I’m sure I must have something that would make it quiet again. Perhaps something from Aries cuisine?”

“Forget cooking,” said Haruka dismissively, stretching her arms over her head and tilting her head from side to side. “Lets just get something to eat in Wind City.” At this suggestion, Shizuru froze and Haruka blinked. “What? You’re allowed, aren’t you?”

“I am,” said Shizuru slowly. “The terms of my sentence does allow passage into Windbloom. It was needed in order for me to take up duties as the interim Principal. Diplomatic meetings would have been difficult should I be trapped at Garderobe.”

“Then lets go out,” said Haruka easily. “You should get away from this place. It’s got to be stippling, right?”

“I think Haruka means stifling,” murmured Shizuru with a fond smile. “And I never find it that way when she is with me.” When Haruka reddened at this, Shizuru darted her eyes away from the other woman before forming a winsome smile. “But I do have all of Haruka’s favorite foods from her homeland. Including a marvelous strawberry tart from a bakery in Mar. It would be a shame to waste it. Especially when it’s been purchased just for her.” 

Frowning and following after Shizuru as she walked into her kitchen, Haruka replied, “We can eat that anytime. You’ve been stuck in here ever since you got back. Don’t you want a change in scenery?” 

Standing in front of the refrigerator, her hand on the door, Shizuru’s hand turned white from how hard she was gripping it. Though she wasn’t the keenest person in the world, Haruka noticed this and the stiff set of Shizuru’s shoulders. Walking up behind the other woman, Haruka lightly rested her hand on Shizuru’s back. Well aware of the questions that were about to be given voice, Shizuru looked over her shoulder, offering a weak smile. “I would prefer to stay in,” she said quietly. 

Haruka’s frown deepened as she stated, “You don’t hide.” Shizuru didn’t reply and Haruka turned the other woman around, ducking her head so their eyes would meet. “You don’t,” Haruka reiterated, as if to convince herself of this fact. “What is it?” Shizuru said Haruka’s name with a quiet sigh and looked off to one side, a stubborn set to her features that didn’t disappear, even when the blonde cupped her cheek in an achingly tender touch. “Tell me,” Haruka insisted. 

“I did monstrous things to avenge Natsuki’s death,” said Shizuru, looking Haruka in the eyes, her gaze steady. “Horrible things read about and witnessed by the innocents of Windbloom and I…” Ducking her head down, Shizuru’s jaw clenched and she said stiffly, “I am nowhere as brave as Haruka would make me out to be. From certain things, I would very much like to hide.” 

“Shizuru,” said Haruka softly and Shizuru waited for the rest of the sentence, for the ridicule, for the skepticism, but it never came. Instead she was gathered up in Haruka’s arms, held in a fierce embrace. “It wasn’t you.”

Laughing harshly at this, Shizuru said, “Then who was it? Someone who looked exactly like me and wears my GEM?”

“You know what I mean,” Haruka grumbled, pulling back and scowling at Shizuru. “Back when all that was happening, you weren’t yourself. Neither of us were. Maybe what you did, it wasn’t right, but it wasn’t all wrong either. Those men… they went along their whole lives thinking they were better than everybody else. That they could do whatever they wanted because of the status and power they were born into.” Haruka’s expression grew dark and she clenched her hands into fists. “It’s not justice how I was taught in Aries, by my parents and the military, but they deserved what they got. They killed thousands.” 

“I almost killed innocents, Haruka,” said Shizuru, shaking out of the blonde’s grasp. “You never did that.”

“No, but I was with you all that time, wasn’t I?” Haruka retorted, glaring at Shizuru. “I guarded you every second of every day and I killed people too so don’t make it out like I’m some kind of saint. If you’re a horrible monster than so am I.”

“No,” Shizuru shook her head and said the word emphatically, knowing she spoke the truth. “It wasn't you. The plan for the revenge, the killings, you never would have done that on you own, Haruka. I dragged you into it.” Unbidden, Shizuru stepped forward, lightly touching Haruka’s face as she said in a whisper, “You did it for me. So I wouldn’t have to be alone.” 

A dark red hue emerged on Haruka’s features and she looked at her feet. “Doesn’t matter why I did it,” she said after a long moment, looking up at Shizuru with an intense gaze. “The results are still the same.” She paused, looking away from Shizuru as she continued, “We both lost somebody. Maybe I don’t show it the same but I was just as angry about Yukino as you were about Natsuki. I just… my parents, you know?” Haruka said quietly, appearing almost brooding. “I grew up with war and I got used to awful things and it’s not the same with Yukino, she was my wife, but it wasn’t anything I hadn’t seen before.” 

They never spoke of Haruka’s experiences with the Aries military. In the back of her mind, Shizuru knew how Haruka grew up, she was aware of how different it was from her luxurious upbringing as a daughter of an Archduke, but they never spoke about all the things Haruka had witnessed because of it. She wondered if Haruka even told Yukino. Part of Shizuru thought that Haruka would have wanted to shield her wife from those sort of things. Certainly it seemed like a Haruka thing to do. It was something chivalrous and kind, which to Shizuru fit very neatly into a Haruka characteristic. 

“We shouldn’t pretend as if it didn’t happen,” said Shizuru and Haruka jerked her head up to look at her with wide eyes. “All those awful things we’ve seen and what we did in their names, all of it happened, and not thinking about it or speaking of it doesn’t take it away. Instead it simply festers, like a wound becomes infected.” Slowly, as if compelled, Shizuru reached for Haruka, pulling her into an embrace and when the blonde wrapped her arms around her waist, Shizuru felt like she could breathe again. “Ignoring it won’t help anything, Haruka,” she murmured.

“Then,” Haruka said this slowly, her brow furrowing as she looked at Shizuru. “We’ll go out to dinner in Wind City?” Before Shizuru could reply, she went on, “If we’re not ignoring and hiding anymore it only makes sense. Don’t you worry, bubuzuke,” she puffed her cheeks up then formed a rakish grin. “I won’t let anybody say something to you.” 

“Haruka is most gallant,” said Shizuru, chuckling and wearing a fond expression. When Haruka blinked at her, Shizuru chuckled again and tapped her on the nose. “Which is to say she’s thoughtful and courageous, exactly as a prince should be.”

“You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?” questioned Haruka, frowning as she studied Shizuru.

“I considered it flirting but if Haruka rather call it making fun then I do find that agreeable,” said Shizuru airily, turning and walking out of the kitchen and towards her bedroom. 

“Hey!” Haruka called, still frowning and putting her hands on her hips. “Where are you going?” 

“To change my clothes,” said Shizuru, looking over her shoulder and flashing Haruka a winning smile. “If we’re going out for dinner then I want to look my best for Haruka. It’s the least I can do for my date.”

Left alone in the kitchen, Haruka wore a dumb expression as she silently mouthed the word date. Seconds later she scowled and rolled her eyes, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket, convinced Shizuru was messing with her yet again.

——-

The restaurant that Haruka chose was isolated and out of the way, just like the table they sat at, well from the eyes of any curious patrons. Shizuru noticed, with a great deal of fondness, how Haruka noticeably placed herself in the way of attention, deliberately using her body to block Shizuru from anyone's sight.

They ordered food and drinks, then were left alone to their own devices, and Shizuru noticed Haruka twisting her wedding ring around her finger. Moving on instinct, she reached for Haruka's hand, stilling this action. "Haruka," Shizuru said, smiling at the perplexed look Haruka gave her. Sliding her fingers through Haruka's, she joined their hands. "Why are you nervous?"

"I'm not nervous!" protested Haruka, her cheeks turning red and her expression indignant. 

"Then why was Haruka playing with her wedding ring?" questioned Shizuru, a knowing look in her eyes. "You only do this when you feel anxious. I've noticed it often in the past and the habit has yet to change."

Haruka grumbled and she clenched her jaw, looking off to one side as she muttered, "You don't play fair, you know that, bubuzuke? Most people don't notice stuff like that but you..." 

"But I?" prompted Shizuru guilelessly.

"But you notice everything," Haruka finished in thoroughly irritated tones. "It's annoying." Before Shizuru could respond, Haruka's hold seemed to tighten imperceptibly as she said, "Sometimes I think about the work we're doing with the EDF and I wonder if it's what Yukino would want. I mean," Haruka lifted her gaze and looked and Shizuru with wide and almost pleading eyes. "I'm not Yukino. I never could be. She was so much smarter than me in so many different ways and I don't think I could ever do the same things as her and sometimes I get stuck thinking if I'm doing things how she would want." 

"I often feel the same in my duties as Principal," Shizuru revealed, smiling at the look of shock Haruka wore. "What?" she teased, tilting her head to one side. "Does Haruka truly think me so very confident?"

Snorting humorously, Haruka replied, "You got to admit you play up the image, Shizuru."

"Perhaps," allowed Shizuru with a soft smile. "All the same, the role as Principal is not one I was trained for and I often find myself questioning my actions. I find it helpful to try and imagine what Natsuki would do if she was in my place." 

"Yeah," said Haruka quietly. "It's not the same though. I think maybe you and Natsuki, because you were Otome, you were closer with your work than Yukino and I ever were. Even if I try to figure what Yukino would do I can't ever really know for sure. She was so different from me." Haruka gave a derisive chuckle and said, "That's probably why I was in love with her." 

"Is Haruka saying that she doesn't love herself?" asked Shizuru and though there was a light teasing to her question, Haruka could see a genuine concern lurking in her gaze.

"I don't know," Haruka admitted, scratching her cheek. "I think I know better than anybody what all my faults are and that's what has me wondering if I could ever do Yukino's dream any justice. No matter how hard I try, I can't ever be her."

"Why do you think that would ever be necessary?" Shizuru questioned with a frown. "Haruka has always proven herself able to any task she's put her mind to. Why would this be any different?"

"This isn't what I do, Shizuru," said Haruka, frustration creeping into her voice. She stared at her hand, once again twisting her wedding ring around her finger. Silence reigned for several moments until she said in a near whisper, "Yukino made this just for me, you know that?" Haruka lifted her head and offered a weak smile. "Remember when I got engaged? You and all the other Otome, even the Principal, making fun of me for not proposing. I was the obvious one to do it, me being bigger, stronger, all that... but I was happy Yukino proposed instead of me. That she told me how worried she was when I was stuck as a damn stone statue, afraid that she'd never get me back, and how she didn't want to waste anymore time." Staring at the ring again, Haruka muttered, "I was so happy back then." Running her finger over the engraving, Haruka continued, "I don't know if I'll ever be that happy again." Lifting her head, Haruka looked at Shizuru with a firm expression. "Yukino was stronger than me in so many ways that I could never explain. If I was the one gone, I know she could keep going." 

"I understand," said Shizuru quietly. When Haruka stared at her blankly, Shizuru offered a winsome smile and said, "I saw that strength for myself after the enrollment battle and I defeated you for my Natsuki. She was less than pleased with me. I must admit, I rather prefer Haruka's wrath to Yukino's. Hers seemed scarier somehow."

Laughing at this, Haruka shook her head. "She was furious at you," Haruka grinned. "Maybe more than I was." 

"She told me as much," revealed Shizuru with a smile. She paused, suddenly becoming serious as she said, "I want you to know, I regret my actions still. How I held back during our battles at the academy. I know you forgave me but--"

"Bridge under the water, bubuzuke," said Haruka carelessly, waving her hand and forming a lopsided grin. "Besides, you were fighting for the Principal and that's what made all the difference, didn't it? I understand that." 

Amused at Haruka's verbal foible but feeling no need to correct it, Shizuru smiled softly. A smile that faded as she thought of all the things Natsuki had given her over the years. Things that were destroyed utterly or damaged and hiding in storage. She felt Haruka's hand on hers, holding it gently, and Shizuru looked up to the question in Haruka's gaze. "I wish Natsuki and I married. I know she loved me, truly and deeply, but sometimes I dream of the wedding we should have had." Shizuru looked at the candle on their table, focusing on the flame, as she continued, "There's nothing left, is there?"

"Shizuru?" Haruka asked with a frown. 

"Our room," murmured Shizuru, a sad smile curving on her lips. "You were there, weren't you, Haruka? You gathered our things and put them somewhere safe for me. There wasn't anything left when I was done, was there? After I left the scene of the--" Shizuru stopped suddenly, unsure how to phrase it, crime, murder, tragedy? In the end, she settled on not calling it anything at all. "I returned to our quarters and I was mad with grief. I doubt there was much to recover." 

"There were a few things that were okay," said Haruka quietly, still holding onto Shizuru's hand. A look of concern was furrowed on Haruka's brow as she said, "Do you want me to tell you what I kept? I only threw away the stuff that there was no way you'd ever be able to fix it, things that were crushed and shattered, but everything else I put in storage." An anxious look formed on Haruka's features. "I should've asked you before I did anything. Gotten permission."

"No, Haruka," said Shizuru quickly, squeezing her hand in reassurance. "You did the right thing. It's as I told you before, returning to that place, where I had shared so much with my Natsuki, it's unimaginable for me now. I would be overwhelmed and I fear it would return me to that dark place which I've only recently escaped from. Haruka did the right thing. She is, as she has always been, a thoughtful and true friend." 

"Bubuzuke," muttered Haruka, the tips of her ears turning red, and Shizuru delighted in the sight. It was an honest and enchanting reaction and it was one of the many small reasons why Haruka had wormed her way into Shizuru's heart. Her total lack of subterfuge, how nothing remained hidden with her, and everything in the end, was laid bare. Haruka coughed and a determined look seized her features as she murmured, "I think when you're ready, we should go through everything. I'm sure there's got to be things in there that you'd want. Things Natsuki gave to you that'd bring back happy memories."

"I believe Haruka is correct in her estimation," said Shizuru softly, "but this is not the time." 

The waitress returned with their food and soon, Haruka was too busy dealing with Shizuru's flirting and her insistence on feeding Haruka bits and pieces of her meal. Eventually, Haruka gave in with a grumble and a severely dirty look, opening her mouth and allowing Shizuru to feed her a bite of her dessert, a slice of strawberry cake that reminded Haruka of happier days. Though, she had to admit, this had been one of the most enjoyable evenings she experienced in some time.

\----

It was a great relief to the Garderobe students when Haruka remained in charge of the Fighting Tactics classes. While she was a stern teacher who sometimes had moments where she utterly lacked patience, she was a kind one as well, and many found her far less intimidating than Miss Maria. Perhaps because Haruka would laugh and she would smile and when she complimented you, it was boisterous on such a level you couldn't doubt you did a good job. This quickly endeared her to many Otome trainees who would have sorely missed her as an instructor. 

As loved as Haruka was by the students, the more they knew her, the less remote she became. She transformed from a distant idol into a real person and many could no longer put her on the far away pedestals that many of their Otome heroes resided on. For Haruka, this was ideal. She never could stand being idolized, she found the very concept ridiculous and she was glad the trainees were now seeing her as a person, no different from them.

However, it was quite a different attitude when it came to Shizuru.

Despite their actions involving Fidelus Altus and the whispers of revenge and rage and madness, or maybe for some because of it, Shizuru remained a revered figure for many trainees. Her elusive distance paired with perfect manners and charming smiles kept her ever present fanbase attracted and it irritated Haruka just the same as when they were students. Age did mellow her some though and instead of scaring off the admirers with shouts and threats, she settled for looks that could kill and a very obvious disapproval that barely simmered beneath the surface, a glower on her features when she bore witness to some of Shizuru's more enthusiastic fans. This was certainly her reaction when Shizuru appeared towards the end of her Fighting Tactics class and several trainees immediately clamored around her for attention. 

Haruka huffed and ignored it, focusing on the students that always sought her after class, asking her for further advice on their fighting techniques and sometimes requesting additional training. She was going through her schedule to arrange a training session for five of the Corals who were currently battling for the top ranked position when she felt a soft touch at the small of her back. It was strange, knowing it was Shizuru without turning to look at her. Haruka never had this with anyone but Yukino, an ability to sense their presence. After all, she was hardly the most observant person in the world. That was what sidelined her in many of her battles. The inability to see anything beyond the surface. Deception and guile was never in her nature and neither was watching her back for underhanded attacks. That being so, Haruka never quite managed to see things unless they confronted her head on. She never had a sixth sense about anything unless it pertained to Yukino. 

Maybe she didn't have that for Shizuru but Haruka knew her. She knew her better than anyone else knew Shizuru and it meant something to Haruka that she could feel Shizuru's presence without looking at her. It was comforting in a strange way, to have that closeness again and it reassured her immensely. 

"Are you finished for the day?" Shizuru's voice echoed in her ear and Haruka grunted in affirmation. She nodded at her students, reminding the time and place for the training session, and they chimed their consensus eagerly. Haruka sighed, looking at the shine of admiration in their eyes, sure it was directed at Shizuru and wondering why blind hero worship couldn't at least escape the better trainees. Rolling her eyes, Haruka grasped Shizuru's hand in her own, leading them quickly away from the students. As they walked, Shizuru tilted her head to one side, an affectionate smile curving on her lips as she reached out to curl a lock of Haruka's hair around her finger. "Haruka is a popular instructor. I've been told that enrollment in all levels of the Fighting Tactics classes has increased tenfold since she took over for Miss Maria. She must be proud." 

"Being an Otome isn't a popularity contest," said Haruka derisively. 

"No, it's about guts, isn't it?" Shizuru teased and Haruka scoffed. Clucking her tongue and sighing, Shizuru hooked her arm in Haruka's and led her across the grounds. "Popularity might not matter to Haruka but surely it makes her feel good to know the students enjoy her classes." Haruka grumbled in response and Shizuru smiled mischievously, poking Haruka in the side and ducking her head to meet their eyes. "It is flattering to hear, is it not?"

"I guess," admitted Haruka reluctantly, puffing out her cheeks. "Mostly it's nice to see them learning from me, you know? I like knowing I'm actually helping them and sometimes..." She trailed off, her cheeks turning red, and she muttered, "It's stupid."

"If Haruka thinks it, I'm sure it's anything but," murmured Shizuru with quiet strength and when Haruka turned to her she saw the unwavering support in rust colored eyes and it warmed her heart. "Tell me?" 

"Sometimes I think about what's going to happen when they leave here," said Haruka quietly. "How screwed up things are right now with the world leaders and the nobles. Our work with the EDF makes me see that and I picture them fighting each other for the sake of corrupt Masters that don't deserve their loyalty and I hope maybe, somehow, some of the things I've taught them helps." Haruka shook her head and released a bitter laugh. "It's stupid. Thinking I'd be that important in the end." 

"It isn't stupid," said Shizuru strongly, moving to stand in front of Haruka. She reached out slowly, touching Haruka's face with the palm of her hand, fingers extending gently over her skin in a soft caress. "It's wonderful to want such a thing."

"I just want it to be better for them," said Haruka quietly. "The Otome system has never been perfect but looking at all the things Natsuki and Yukino found... it just makes all the bad things so much clearer. We can't ignore it anymore."

"There was a great deal of wrong to be found," Shizuru agreed, leading Haruka down the path, pausing at the entrance to the small grove where they had trained together so many years ago. She surprised Haruka by arranging her dress carefully and sitting down on the grass, peering up at Haruka with an inviting look in her eyes. Haruka soon settled next to her and Shizuru said, "I think we will be successful in our endeavor. Certainly, our opposers will be less tempted to threaten us after our recent actions, and there are far more countries who will gain from our plans than those who will suffer. It will ensure that all nations in Earl operate on an even playing field as far as Otome are concerned."

"Sort of hard to believe we've got so many countries who've never had an Otome," said Haruka thoughtfully. "I guess it makes sense though. The academy isn't exactly cheap. I never liked it," she muttered, frowning severely. "The idea that the rich could just pay for their own personal army and Garderobe didn't get any real say over where Otome went. That as long as you could foot the bill and your candidate was good enough, you got yourself the most powerful soldier on Earl." 

"Of course," said Shizuru with mild humor. "Some soldiers are more powerful than others."

Making a noise at this, Haruka eyed Shizuru and said, "It's pretty lucky you ended up as a Column, bubuzuke. I think Artai and Cardair would've wet themselves if you'd ended up working for the Windbloom royals."

"I rather think my father would have allowed me to laze about the house, to be honest," said Shizuru playfully.

"Daddy's girl," remarked Haruka, a grin forming and she laid down on the grass, peering up at Shizuru. "It figures." 

"It was hard to be anything but a daddy's girl due to my mother's death," said Shizuru honestly. "I barely remember her, to be honest. She died when I was so young and my father has always been a constant presence in my life. He spoiled me," she said this with a chuckle and Haruka snorted, causing Shizuru to beam at her. "I suppose he didn't know any other way. I've always felt like he was trying to make up for the fact that my mother was gone and because of that he gave me whatever he thought I wanted. In the end, perhaps, it did me more harm than good." 

"My folks are almost identical in personality," said Haruka casually. Her face screwed up in a comical expression and she muttered, "It's kind of weird when I think about it. I mean, there are times when they'd say the exact same thing at the exact same time. At least they don't look alike." 

"Is that why Haruka loved Yukino so? Because she was different from herself?" asked Shizuru with a genuine curiosity. 

"Once you helped me figure things out it sort of felt like I always loved her," Haruka revealed, looking up at Shizuru. "We'd known each other since we were kids, you know? I think maybe it started with how kind she was. I can't help mixing up my words. I've tried since I was young to stop it and there were a million things I did to help but nothing ever worked and I just got used to people thinking stuff about me because of it. That I was stupid mostly. I got used to people making fun of me for it, laughing behind my back." Haruka said scornfully, "They'd never say anything to my face. Too afraid, I guess, and it's not like insulting people is a brave thing to do so it makes sense. Anyway," Haruka sighed. "Yukino never did that. She just accepted it as part of who I was and she never made me feel stupid, even with her being so much smarter. It was like everything I did and said mattered to her and I never felt that way with anyone else." 

"Natsuki was the first person to reject me," said Shizuru humorously. Haruka's eyebrows immediately shot up and Shizuru laughed at her reaction, smiling happily. "It's shocking, isn't it? Until her everyone I thought to approach always accepted my affections when I made an offer but Natsuki..." Shizuru shook her head and her eyes had a far off look as she focused on the distance, lost in the memories. "She wanted more than what I had to give and she made me reconsider my life and my choices. Haruka was my first friend, the first person besides my father to truly know me, but Natsuki forced me to lower my defenses and trust another. She never held back from me either, she always spoke her mind, and once I let her in, she never allowed me to deflect her for long. I always knew I needed her more than she needed me but when she died--" Shizuru swallowed hard and looked down at Haruka. "That became so abundantly clear."

"She'd want you to go on," said Haruka in a murmur. "I didn't know the Principal that well but I'm pretty sure about that."

"Haruka is right, Natsuki would want that," said Shizuru softly, her fingers digging into the dirt, and trying not to think about how hard it still was to get up and make it through the day knowing Natsuki was gone. "I also think she would want me to try and be close to another as I was to her in order to help myself but I don't think it's possible. I've been playing my part for so very long and sometimes I think Natsuki will always be the only one able to see it for what it is other than Haruka."

Considering Shizuru thoughtfully, Haruka tapped her fingers lightly on the top of her hand, only stopping when Shizuru entwined their fingers and studying them, Haruka murmured, "I never liked how people look at you. Maybe it bugs me because I know I that I can't see the trees for the forest. I've never been good at figuring things out that aren't obvious and if I'm like that and I can see when you're putting on your little act, why can't they? They just go blindly along when you're pretending like it's the real you and I hate that." Haruka stared up at Shizuru, a hard look on her features. "I hate it because it kept you separate from people for years because you couldn't trust anyone who believed that show you put on. I can't blame you for feeling that way, bubuzuke, but it's not right. Never has been."

"Haruka," said Shizuru quietly and she didn't know why tears were in her eyes but they were and she saw Haruka frown deeper and curse, pushing herself up and hurriedly wiping the tears away as they fell. Shaking her head and laughing in a strangely joyful manner, she confessed, "I don't know why I'm crying."

"That makes two of us then," Haruka muttered, finished wiping away the tears, and wearing a wry smile Shizuru laughed at. Haruka's touch lingered on Shizuru's face, cupping it in her hands, and she looked steadfast into Shizuru's eyes, holding her in a solemn gaze. "I don't know a lot but I know you and you know me, Shizuru. None of that fake stuff, the airs, and the stupid reputations matter. You and me, we know each other, and I'll always be there for you."

"Where is this coming from?" asked Shizuru, feeling a mild panic, wondering if Haruka knew something she didn't. Just the thought of losing Haruka caused immense dread, and Shizuru was positive she wouldn't survive it, not after Natsuki dying.

"Dunno," Haruka scoffed and heaving a sigh as she flopped back on the grass. "Maybe it's all the plans for the EDF and the meetings we've been having with the world leaders? I just feel like we're going to get threats soon and things are going to get tough but none of that matters to me. Not if I'm helping achieve Yukino's dream and not so long as I've got you with me." She formed a wild grin and whapped Shizuru in the midsection as she declared, "You and me, bubuzuke! We can do anything we put our minds to. Especially when it's for Natsuki and Yukino."

"Yes," said Shizuru, smiling softly, "especially when it's for them." 

Whatever Haruka was going to say next was silenced by the familiar cry of her name and Shizuru instinctively frowned on hearing it. Moments later, Sara Gallagher was landing in front of them, dematerializing her robe and wearing a huge grin that Haruka matched as she leapt to her feet. The feeling was uncomfortable and unsettling, watching as they embraced in a hug, Sara laughing gleefully as Haruka lifted her off the ground, chastising Sara affectionately for being gone so long. With not a little irritation, Shizuru rose to her feet and left them alone, thinking Haruka most likely wouldn't notice she was missing and if she did maybe she would feel a bit guilty. Though it was spiteful of her, that thought gave her a small measure of comfort.

\----

Haruka did indeed notice Shizuru's absence and it caused her to frown and wonder at it but her thoughts were soon focused on Sara and news of her trip to Zipang. She had returned only temporarily, having to speak to Shizuru on behalf of the Shogun, before returning to aid the nation with the investigation of the Schwartz attacks. They had theories on who hired the Schwartz but nothing solid and Sara had promised her assistance until the real culprits were caught.

They settled in Haruka's quarters, as was their habit, and Haruka set about making a quick and easy meal consisting of dishes she knew to be Sara's favorites. Thanks to her childhood as a military brat, Haruka had traveled all over Aries, and she learned to cook quite an array of food, including the traditional meals of Mar, which was where Sara grew up. Watching as Sara dug into her meal with certain zeal, Haruka grinned. As mature as Sara was, she reminded Haruka of a child when she ate. There was a simple joy when Sara had a good meal and it pleased Haruka to provide that for her.

"You've been spending a lot of time with the Shogun then," remarked Haruka, sitting next to Sara at the table, and reaching for her drink. Sara nodded and took another bite of her food before washing it down with a drink of wine. 

"Zipang is expanding rapidly, as you know," said Sara seriously, straightening in her chair. "He suspects certain western nations are feeling the strain of their increasing wealth and power. Frightened of the idea of what they could become and perhaps they mean to stop Zipang's rise while it's still a possibility. To do this openly would mean war and with how unstable the treaty of nations has become since Artai's defeat, that's hardly the soundest strategy. Hence, hiring the Schwartz."

"They're just cowards," said Haruka, her voice thick with disdain. "You have any clue who it is?"

"A few suspects but nothing solid," said Sara, sounding thoroughly disappointed to admit this. Shaking her head and taking another bite of her food, she muttered around it, "Maybe Viola wasn't just trying to get rid of me by sending me off to Zipang. They have a lot going on and as advanced as they're becoming they don't have the experience to deal with it." 

"Shizuru wouldn't send you off for putty reasons," Haruka defended fiercely. "She's doing her best as Principal and it's hard for her, trying to Natsuki's work. I know how hard it's been for me, helping her with the EDF, always thinking and wondering about how Yukino would handle things, always second guessing myself and that's just some of the time. It's not like that's my main duty around here. Shizuru's doing Natsuki's job all the time with her position as the 3rd Column." Huffing and folding her arms over her chest, she grumbled, "Fumi-sama should pick a 2nd Column already. How long has it been?"

"Petty reasons," Sara corrected gently, watching Haruka with careful eyes. "And it's been two and half years now but I think you already know that, Haruka."

Staring Sara down, well aware of how right she was, how she couldn't seem to stop counting the minutes, days, months, and years since Yukino died. It was ever present in her mind and she wished it wasn't. That she could forget but it was out of the question and maybe that was why Haruka reached for the bottle of wine and poured herself a glass. She hardly ever drank but tonight it seemed like a good idea. Particularly with Sara looking at her with impossibly kind eyes. 

"I wish I didn't," Haruka muttered, finishing off the drink and setting it down on the table, walking into the living room and standing by the long windows, gazing out at the campus. Sometimes she wondered at the design of these quarters. How she managed to get a nice view but Shizuru, who lived right next to her, got stuck looking at a bunch of buildings. She started at a soft touch to her shoulder and turned to see Sara standing beside her. "Sorry," she sighed. "I don't know what's wrong with me." Studying Sara's features, tender and filled with concern for her, she felt a familiar tug in her heart. Unable to help herself, she touched that face, absently noting how soft the skin was. "Some homecoming, huh? But I did miss you."

"Of course you did," said Sara, a mischievous smile on her lips. "The daily calls and weekly gifts assured me of that." Haruka reddened at this and looked away from Sara who relished this reaction. "I just have one question. Why so much food?"

"You don't eat right if I'm not watching you!" Haruka protested indignantly. "You'll just eat whatever junk is in front of you."

"Mou!" Sara exclaimed, bouncing around Haruka to stand in front of her. "I think you just love to exaggerate my terrible eating habits. Which really aren't all that bad."

"One week I caught you eating nothing but candy bars," reminded Haruka sternly. 

"Some of them were protein bars," said Sara, though her cheeks still held a flush of embarrassment.

"My point stands," said Haruka with dry humor. She found herself reaching out again, fingering a lock of Sara's light blonde hair between her fingers thoughtfully. "When do you have to go back?" 

"Tomorrow or the day after," Sara replied in a whisper.

Haruka nodded solemnly at this and questioned, "When will you return? For good this time?"

"I don't know," said Sara sadly and she looked like she wanted to say something more. She wanted to apologize for leaving but she knew Haruka well enough that she wouldn't appreciate it. Hearing Sara apologize for doing her duty wasn't needed, not when it was something that Haruka understood and accepted as a part of their lives as Otome. "Soon, I hope." 

"We'll just have to make the most of the time we have," said Haruka strongly.

She nodded and beamed at Sara who laughed and agreed, moving in for a hug. Haruka returned the hug, noting the shine of tears in Sara's eyes and the way she clung to her, almost as if she was afraid of their inevitable parting. It reminded her so much of Yukino that it was painful but it was a pleasant ache. One that Haruka wouldn't lose for anything. Perhaps that's why Haruka didn't back away as she watched Sara lift her head and rise up on her toes, her actions were hesitant and easily telegraphed, even for Haruka. She knew what was coming and when their lips met in a breath of a kiss, nothing more than a light touch of their lips, it hardly came as a surprise. The fact that she wanted it to happen again was though. It wasn't anything like her first kiss with Yukino. That was all instinct and passion and emotion pouring out of Haruka, it was all of her love held back by confusion finally being let loose and Yukino matched her affections completely. This kiss with Sara, it was a soft thing, fearful in a way, and Haruka could see Sara waiting for her rejection and it was more than she could take.

Sara had done so much for her and maybe she didn't make Haruka feel like Yukino did but who could ever do that? Haruka didn't think it was even possible for her to love someone as much as she loved Yukino. To share that all encompassing connection but just the same, she did feel something for Sara, and she hated seeing that look on her face. Not when Sara was so much like Yukino in how she treated her. Only Yukino ever treated her gently, with any measure of care, everyone else saw how she fought and how rough her personality was and treated her accordingly. Never thinking twice of speaking bluntly to her, never considering how their words or actions might hurt her feelings, but Yukino treated her like she was a precious and delicate thing. This kiss they just shared, hesitant and meager as it was, reminded Haruka of that. Of how Sara saw more than the front she presented, beyond the bluster and the bragging, to who she really was. The fact that Sara did all of that for her and still believed that Haruka would spurn her... 

"Don't cry," said Haruka roughly, wiping away the tears that had started to fall, "not because of me." Sara laughed and started to reply but Haruka pulled her closer and lowered her head, capturing her lips in a firm kiss. 

In the back of her mind, Haruka did wonder why this didn't feel like a betrayal to Yukino. Was it because Sara reminded her so much of Yukino? Or was she just more concerned with erasing the sadness in those bright green eyes? Sara had shown time and time again how much she cared for her and the idea that she didn't think herself worthy, it tore at Haruka, and she wanted to rid Sara of those feelings. Especially when being with Sara brought Haruka a measure of comfort and happiness, reminding her of happier times with Yukino. She couldn't lose that, she needed it to survive. Of that, Haruka was sure. 

All her life, she had only been with Yukino, only kissed and touched Yukino, and she never wanted it to be any other way but Yukino was gone and while she knew she shouldn't compare, Haruka couldn't help it. Kissing Sara lacked the intensity, the utter need, of her embraces with Yukino but it was soothing and it was sweet and Haruka did find it enjoyable. Enough that she wanted to do it again the instant they separated but was stopped by the amusing sight of Sara's small wire rimmed glasses filled with steam. This happened one or two times with Yukino and it never failed to entertain and beguile Haruka and it was no different now with Sara. The younger Otome blushed at this and started to reach for her glasses but Haruka removed them for her, carefully folding them up and putting them in the pocket of her pants.

"Can you see?" asked Haruka humorously, caressing the side of Sara's face, taking in the way she leaned into her touch. 

"Haruka," Sara pouted playfully, poking Haruka in the stomach. "I'm not blind." 

"Good," Haruka breathed and she kissed Sara again. For the first time, she felt as if Sara was truly kissing her back, showing her desire and need, and when Sara's tongue pressed at her lips gently seeking entrance, Haruka allowed her in. She didn't feel the same warm and familiar pool of want in her belly when Yukino kissed her but she could feel how very much Sara wanted her in this kiss. And for Haruka, that was enough, and she tried to return the kiss whole heartedly, pulling Sara closer until there wasn't a space between their bodies and when they parted it was only for lack of air. Sara buried her face in the crook of Haruka's neck and she laughed again, this time carefree and joyful, and Haruka was content to know she was the reason for Sara's happiness. Kissing the crown of Sara's head, charmed at the way her hair was disheveled and sticking every direction, just like Yukino's often did, Haruka said in a throaty murmur, "You'll come back as soon as you can?"

"I promise," replied Sara breathlessly, smiling wide and Haruka reciprocated that smile and the kiss that followed.


End file.
